During my daily REBT sessions, I identify and dispute a person’s rigid, extreme, self-defeating attitudes. I then generate flexible and non-extreme attitudes and other self-helping thoughts, which I pass to the person to work on between sessions to adopt and implement. Before telehealth, I would write these attitudes on index cards and then give these index cards to the patient. I also encourage them to go home and post these in their environment to cue them to think more adaptively. It is crucial to cue yourself to think healthily because, too often, we are cued and well-practiced at thinking in unhealthy ways. Now that I do so many telehealth sessions, I often email these self-helping attitudes and thoughts to the patient afterward. Sometimes I write down ones that are useful and worth remembering for my own sake to use personally or to use with other patients. The trick with REBT is to create an attitude that resonates with an individual on an emotional level so that through this psychologically well-fitting attitude, the attitude facilitates the transformation of an unhealthy emotional reaction into a healthy reaction. I aim to encapsulate impactful attitudes that stick with the patient and help them towards their therapeutic goals.
Perhaps you will find the below attitudes and thoughts helpful, which are remnants of last week’s work:
Change the changeable. Accept what cannot be changed. Use “too bad” to accept what you cannot change.
Acceptance, in two words, is “Too Bad.”
It was not meant to be. Too bad.
It is burdensome but bearable. When your goal is worth it, the burden is worth bearing, go and bear it. Pay the price of attaining your goal.
Emotion is energy and information. Learn to transform dysfunctional energy into functional energy. Healthy emotional energy will enable you to act upon the information you perceive about the adversity you face in a self-helping way.
Anxiety does not have to be controlled, eliminated, or suppressed. Although you don’t like feeling anxious, remind yourself that you can bear experiencing this uncomfortable feeling. Take a nice deep breath and calmly remind yourself that you can bear anxiety until it passes. Strive not to think, “I must control my anxiety, I have to control it,” because this will produce anxiety about the anxiety, which will ultimately lead to a panic attack.
Do not seek to reassure yourself that your hunch is untrue and that some troublesome event won’t happen. I call this chasing the inference. Resist the temptation to do this. Instead, use this hunch to search for your rigid and extreme attitudes that lead to your unhealthy emotions about that possible troublesome event. Train yourself to resist the temptation to reassure yourself that this worst-case scenario won’t happen. Instead, learn to reassure yourself that cultivating REBT’s realistic, tough-minded attitudes can get you through life’s biggest challenges. You can handle what life throws your way if you work at it.
The attitude “Too bad” leads to emotional acceptance of unchangeable unfavorable circumstances.
Fate and the problems it throws your way can bring out the best or the worst in you. Using REBT, you will respond healthily to what fate gives you to face. You can bear far more than you think you can.
When we accept others unconditionally, we tend to have a healthy version of anger. Your unconditionally accepting response is in your best interest in addressing the misbehavior of others. With healthy anger rooted in unconditional other-acceptance, you will use good judgment to reward or punish their behavior appropriately, assert yourself, and engage in interpersonal problem-solving to resolve your differences.
Philosophically accept that your noble wishes never have to be fulfilled. Then, with healthy concern that they may go unfulfilled, do what you can to make your wishes and hopes come about.
Acceptance and “I cannot stand it” are incompatible. See that you can bear and accept considerably more than you think.
Don’t underestimate your capacity to accept what you cannot change. Use the leverage acceptance offers you. Learn to cultivate acceptance.
This rejection is disappointing and unfortunate but not awful because worse things can happen than rejection.
Stick to the facts.
Don’t let anyone or anything phase you (code for lead you to disturb yourself).
Accept what you cannot change. Truly accept it, don’t just give lip service to this position towards things. You cannot beat this position.
Define it as awful, and it shall be so.
Remember Ellis’s rather direct suggestion: “Relinquish the little boy, you’ve-got-to-give-me-what-I-want attitude.”
The Bottomline
Generate and note impactful REBT quotes that are memorable and useful for cultivating unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other acceptance, and unconditional life acceptance. You can apply REBT’s flexible and non-extreme ideas to a broad range of emotional and behavioral reactions undermining your goals. However, you have to express these ideas in ways that impact you. Aim to feel the impact of the flexible and non-extreme attitude rather than merely parrot it. Persist with finding ways to express powerful ideas leading to a profound philosophical change that promotes your emotional well-being. Keep at it!