In REBT, I teach you to understand that once an undesirable occurrence occurs in life, the philosophically sound and most helpful way to think about it is that it (absolutely) should have happened because it did. It could not have occurred, but sadly, this adverse event did occur. Once an unwelcome set of circumstances unfolds, it is logical and wise to acknowledge that this is what had to happen. All the conditions were such that what occurred, regardless of how dispreferred it might be to you, had to occur. This outcome was your destiny to face, and you will only create emotional turmoil for yourself by imagining an alternative, desirable outcome and insisting and demanding that the alternative circumstances be, in fact, those that you face. To reason that because the imagined result is more to your liking, it (absolutely) should be your reality is a non sequitur. The conclusion that an unfortunate event (absolutely) should not exist does not follow from your unstated premise because the event is not to your liking. Your imaginary preferred view is ludicrous when examined closely. An essential step towards accepting what occurred is to appreciate this logic.
The Unknown Conditions of Life
Humans may not be capable of stating all the conditions that led to an undesirable event, how those events came into being, and the reason for their existence. Gaining this knowledge could help prevent future negative occurrences. However, from the standpoint of accepting what occurred, it is unnecessary to articulate all the conditions or how they came into existence. The conditions existed; it was a perfect storm, and the event happened! REBT is not taking a deterministic view of the future and your efforts to create conditions that prevent adverse events from happening or lead to favorable outcomes in the future. However, once something comes into being, it has to be. This reasoning applies to both good and bad events and circumstances. If you won the lottery, the conditions were right for hitting the jackpot rather than you not having the winning numbers. Likewise, if you were born with a genetic defect that leads to a disease, all the conditions were right for this too to be your fate. You can do your best to control any conditions that might impact the expression of that genetic defect and delay the onset of disease, but in the final analysis, being born with that genetic defect (absolutely) should have occurred simply because it did. That is what happened, and you will carry your undeserved burden if you achieve a state of acceptance of your misfortune.
This one’s a keeper: “You will only create emotional turmoil for yourself by imagining an alternative, desirable outcome, and insisting and demanding that the alternative circumstances be, in fact, those that you face.” Walter J. Matweychuk Ph D
Along with this one: “Do not allow yourself the luxury of thinking that something you preferred; (absolutely) should have occurred, (simply) because YOU wanted it to.”
Just because you want things to be a certain way, it does not follow logically, that they must be. Likewise, just because you don’t want things to be a certain way, it doesn’t follow that they mustn’t be.
Why? Because the universe, unlike the crew of the Enterprise relative to Captain Picard, is under no obligation to comply with your demands (Make it so!”).
Only in the realm of thought do things not logically follow from what comes before. Ship happens. A perfect example is the Titanic which sank due to a plethora of reasons. Looking back it follows logically that it sank given those reasons. Which is not to say that its sinking was inevitable. Any one of those factors could have occurred differently, and perhaps in an alternate timeline or universe, they did, but in this one they didn’t, thus, logically, the ship sank. Why? Because in this universe, that’s the way the cookie crumbles (i.e. that’s the way life is). “The past is passed.” So said Albert Ellis. And immutable. Therefore the only thing that we can is the present, and in so doing, the future as well.
Live long and prosper.