In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, I teach people the power of flexible and non-extreme thinking. I teach you to use the ABC framework to understand your emotional and behavioral reactions and how to modify them when needed. There is little doubt that unfortunate events and obstacles referred to in REBT as Adversities factor into and flavor emotional and behavioral responses (Consequences in REBT). However, the theory maintains that your attitudes about adversity lie at the base of your reactions and matter slightly more in determining your response’s functional or dysfunctional quality. We put forth that (A) adversity interacts with (B) your basic attitudes, and you thereby experience (C) emotional and behavioral consequences.
A fundamental premise of REBT is that our nature is such that humans are capable of thinking about adversity both in a self-helping or self-defeating way. Unfortunately, humans are generally more likely to take a rigid and extreme attitude towards hardship when the matter is very important. REBT defines healthy thinking as flexible and non-extreme, consistent with observable data, logical, and yields good results. Unhealthy thinking is rigid and extreme, inconsistent with the available data, illogical, and produces poor results.
Rigidity Not Particular Words are Targeted
English speakers use the words prefer, wish, like, and desire, amongst others, to think and convey flexible attitudes. In contrast, they use words like have to, need to, (absolutely) should, and must to think and communicate a rigid, absolutist stance towards adversity. REBT’s emphasis is not on words. The rigidity of thought, however expressed, is the target of REBT’s intervention.
REBT teaches you to question your rigid and extreme attitudes to think adaptatively and scientifically, which is hard for some people to do. Bear in mind that flexible and adaptive thinking does not mean flimsy thinking. You may strongly desire the love and approval of someone; you may have a strong preference for courtesy from others and strongly want success in a particular endeavor, but this is not the same as holding a dogmatic, demanding stance toward your goals. Your healthy disappointment, displeasure, and sorrow will be more intense when you have a strong desire that goes unmet. Still, these emotions and accompanying behaviors will not be self-defeating, unhealthy, or dysfunctional. There is emotional power in flexible thinking in the face of adversity because your healthy emotional and behavioral reactions are more likely to address your problem effectively.
Flexibility Leads to Non-Extreme Evaluations
When you have a flexible stance as you go through life and face adversity, you are inclined to think in a non-extreme, relatively moderate way when your wishes go unfulfilled, even with firmly held desires. If you have a firm but flexible stance to achieve a goal successfully and fail, you will likely think this is bad, unfortunate, and inconvenient but not awful, terrible, or the end of the world. You will experience an uncomfortable feeling, but evaluate your failure as tolerable, bearable, and something you can withstand. Your uncomfortable but healthy feeling will motivate you to do what is possible to improve things.
With your flexible, unfulfilled desire, you will tend to acknowledge the failure without seeing yourself as a failure. Your thinking will lean towards non-extreme positions, leading to appropriate and healthy negative feelings of disappointment, which will help you learn how to do better in the future. You will evaluate your behavior and take something from the experience that will help you succeed in the future.
When you hold a rigid attitude towards life’s adversities, the maltreatment of others, or your endeavors, you are likely to think in extreme ways, especially when you strongly value what is at stake. You will quickly evaluate a negative outcome as awful or intolerable. If you have failed in pursuing an important goal, you will likely conclude that you are a failure. The unhealthy emotions that accompany rigid and extreme thinking are depression, shame, guilt, anger, hurt, jealousy, envy, and anxiety. The associated behavior is likely to be self-defeating.
Disciplining Your Mind Takes Effort & Practice
I encourage you to work towards disciplining your mind to think in flexible and non-extreme ways about life’s most important matters. It is hard to do during those tempting moments, but remaining in a flexible and non-extreme mindset is very effective. Do not fear you will lose motivation to pursue your goals or change what can be changed if you adopt this mindset of preferring not demanding you get what you want. You will remain motivated by concern and displeasure, in touch with reality in your healthy sorrow and sadness because you did not get what you wanted. As Ellis often said, “Keep your wishes and wants, but give up your rigid shoulds, musts, oughts, and have-to.” If you want emotional leverage and the power to address adversity effectively, hold firmly to your wishes, wants, and desires. Embrace the power of flexible and non-extreme thinking!