Rational-emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) emphasizes acceptance as a necessary life skill for emotional well-being. Unfortunately, we do not teach people how to accept things that are not to their liking. Learning to tolerate what we do not want and cannot be changed is an essential life skill to acquire because, regardless of who you are, there is a great deal in life that you will find dislikable and unchangeable. If people cannot accept what is unalterable, they will experience a great deal of emotional disturbance and misery throughout their lives.
REBT’s Definition of Unconditional Acceptance
People often confuse unconditional acceptance of a negative state of affairs with resignation. In REBT, we define unconditional acceptance of a negative state of affairs as follows:
- Acknowledging that adversity, a negative state of affairs, exists
- A realization that, unfortunately, all the conditions are in place for the adversity to exist.
- An evaluation of the adversity as bad while acknowledging that things could be worse and that you can withstand the adversity.
- A determination to attempt to change adversity when possible and when you are willing to do what it takes to change it because of the potential benefits.
- When facing an unchangeable adversity, acceptance involves maintaining the determination to enjoy life by finding alternate roads to happiness. [1]
Resignation is Not Equivalent to Unconditional Acceptance
Resignation also acknowledges that adversity exists. However, resignation lacks the commitment to change adversity if it is both changeable and well worth doing. Resignation also usually does not imply a determination to enjoy life by finding an alternate road to happiness. By contrast, REBT’s definition is a more robust and action-oriented stance towards adversity.
REBT’s Three Types of Unconditional Acceptance
REBT does not merely prescribe acceptance; it has a strategy for achieving acceptance. Furthermore, REBT parses unconditional acceptance into three varieties: unconditional acceptance of oneself, unconditional acceptance of others, and unconditional acceptance of life. In each case, the focus is on influencing, where possible, aspects of the self, others, or life while not condemning the whole of the self, others, or life for possessing negative parts.
REBT’s Method of Cultivating Unconditional Acceptance
REBT theory holds that the best way to facilitate acceptance is to have flexible and non-extreme attitudes towards the aspects of oneself, others, and life that are inconsistent with your preferences. It is impossible to accept anything that you believe must not exist. Furthermore, when you think something must not exist, you are inclined to evaluate things in extreme ways. Extreme attitudes that follow thinking something must not exist is that the adversity is awful (i.e., nothing could be worse, no good can come from the experience of facing it), it is unbearable, and its existence makes oneself, others, and life wholly wrong.
REBT teaches people first to see how they construct their attitudes; therefore, they have a choice in their attitude toward adversity. Next, REBT teaches people to identify their rigid and extreme attitudes towards adversity and examine them. In REBT, we encourage you to compare your rigid and extreme attitude towards adversity to its flexible and non-extreme alternative. REBT aims to assist people in arriving at a healthy negative feeling towards adversity instead of an unhealthy negative or neutral feeling. REBT theory argues healthy negative feelings such as concern, disappointment, sorrow, and annoyance can coexist with unconditional acceptance of adversity. Furthermore, these healthy negative emotions will motivate us to change what we can about the adversity we face or to forge an alternative path to happiness when we cannot do much about the adversity we encounter. Possessing the ability to forge an alternative path to happiness when our preferred path is blocked is one indicator of emotional health from the REBT perspective.
REBT’s primary strategy of examining one’s rigid and extreme attitudes will hopefully help you adopt a flexible and non-extreme attitude towards every adversity. This will be easier to do with less important matters than with matters closest to your heart. It also will be easier to do when you are well-rested and in an internal state of physiological comfort. REBT acknowledges that learning to relinquish your rigid and extreme attitudes is not easy and that achieving unconditional acceptance is not easy. Still, I steadfastly maintain this can be done. Learning the skill of flexible and non-extreme thinking to accept what you do not like takes a great deal of work and practice. This skill is a discipline of the mind that can be cultivated with ongoing training. Given that life is a neverending stream of adversities, learning to hold flexible and non-extreme attitudes and accepting what you cannot change is an essential and worthwhile life skill. Let REBT show you how to unconditionally accept aspects of yourself, others, and life that you find most challenging to bear, thereby facilitating your effort to find alternate paths to happiness when the one you travel is blocked by unchangeable adversity.
Attitudes of Acceptance to Reflect Upon and Adopt
- I will accept myself unconditionally whether I perform well or poorly, use good judgment, or demonstrate poor judgment. I will also unconditionally accept myself even when I do not possess specific desirable characteristics I wish to have. I will always want to do well, use good judgment, and have the desirable characteristics I admire. Still, I acknowledge that these desirable outcomes do not absolutely have to exist despite the benefits they would afford me. I am human and, as such, imperfect and will remain so until I die. I can accept this fact of my nature. I will strive for excellence and learn from my missteps but acknowledge I will fall short, and when I do, I will be responsible for the consequences of my behavior. By accepting myself unconditionally, I will be in a better emotional state to face life and the consequences of my mistakes than if I devalue myself and loathe myself for my shortcomings. I will remind myself that I am an everchanging individual and can keep trying to do better in the future.
- I will always accept others, even when they possess characteristics I do not care for and do things I do not condone. When they do wrong or immoral things, I may choose to help prevent them from continuing their bad behavior. I will never forget that “monsters” do not exist, nor do “idiots” or “lesser people.” The words I use to think about people always leave things out and oversimplify things and are usually the basis of unhealthy emotions I feel towards them. These language traps will make it more difficult for me to control my behavior toward others and effectively and kindly respond to them. I will unconditionally accept others and acknowledge the universe does not compel them to treat me and those I love nicely. I will strive to influence and incentivize them through contingencies and hold them accountable for their misbehavior so that they may act better in the future. Maintaining unconditional acceptance of others with a firm stance toward their negative behavior is in my best interest. I will never forget that people are everchanging and, as such, have the potential to do better in the future. I will also never forget that they are fallible, like myself, and sometimes find it challenging to do the best thing. I will do my part to encourage them to do better in the future.
- I will accept life as it is and never demand that it fits into my idealized view of how it could be. I will acknowledge that life has good, bad, and neutral moments. Life is everchanging, and when it is difficult, I will recognize that I can bear these conditions and withstand what is occurring. When times are bad, I will remember that although bad, it can always be worse. I will never forget that life is a neverending series of challenges and relatively good and pleasing moments. I remain open to the possibility that things may improve, especially if I do my part to help them. I will discipline my mind to change what I can and accept what I cannot about life, myself, and others.
[1] Dryden, W., & Matweychuk, W. J. (2022). The REBT Client Companion (2nd ed.). Rationality Publications.