Albert Ellis, the originator of REBT, often said: “People live their lives to prove themselves instead of enjoying themselves.” In REBT we argue that there are no absolutes other than that you MUST someday die. Well, for now, this appears to be the case but someday even dying could be optional. Assuming that we must die, we have a limited time on earth to either enjoy ourselves OR to prove ourselves. In my practice, I see many patients living their lives to prove themselves. They believe that they MUST achieve, they must amass wealth, they must get promoted, they must be applauded by their peers. When a person puts this demand on themselves they invariably end up rating themselves which results in feelings of inadequacy. The reality is that regardless of how well they do either they could do better OR there is someone they encounter that does the activity even better than they do. Their feelings of inadequacy emerge from rating themselves lesser as a person. Their solution to their feelings of inadequacy is to try harder to prove themselves.
I would suggest you consider the many advantages of living your life to enjoy yourself. In order to do this, you need to make your mantra “I do not HAVE to prove myself.” I advise people to say this so often that they get sick and tired of hearing themselves say this to themselves. I advise this frequent repetition because it is the way to get themselves to internalize this rational philosophy and overcome their well-practiced irrational philosophy that “I have to prove myself.” By the time the person has decided to seek psychotherapy they have internalized having to prove themselves and said this to themselves so many times that it is automatic for them to think this way.
Reflect on when you learned to drive a car. At first, you had to instruct yourself to buckle up, put the key in the ignition, put your foot on the break, turn the key to start the car, put the car in drive and then press the accelerator and turn the wheel. However, with lots of repetition, all these steps no longer had to be said aloud. You might have repeated these steps silently to yourself and then eventually came to do them automatically. In the same way, thinking that you have to prove yourself and then rating yourself has become silent and automatic. The way to uproot this self-defeating philosophy and adopt a healthy philosophy is to start saying both aloud and silently “I do not HAVE to prove myself.” If you say it often enough, with enough frequency and intensity, it slowly begins to take hold. As this attitude begins to take hold you think about it and reflect on it and see that you really do not have to use your precious time on earth to prove yourself. You can live your life to enjoy yourself. When this epiphany occurs, you will acknowledge you have made a significant therapeutic change and realize you have liberated yourself from the prison of self-rating and inadequacy.