REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) is based on the teachings of Stoic philosophers and is a mix of ancient and modern philosophy packaged for coping with problems of everyday living. The first principle of REBT is known as the Principle of Emotional Responsibility. This principle states that you largely make yourself upset. You bring to the Adversity (A) a set of rigid and extreme Beliefs (B) which have important emotional and behavioral Consequences (C). It is true that at point (A) we face adversity which is an opportunity to make ourselves upset. Nevertheless, at point (B) we do have choice. If we demand that other people act as we think they “absolutely should act” then we will make ourselves upset over what they do or fail to do. Once upset we are less able to change what can be changed at point (A) and when we have no ability to change things at point (A) we are stuck in emotional upset. The Stoics taught that pain in life is inevitable but suffering is optional. When our parents, siblings, friends, lovers and fellow citizens misbehave if we hold flexible and nonextreme beliefs we are better able to change what we can change or to move on emotionally. REBT teaches you how to move from a rigid belief system that leads to self defeating emotional and behavioral upset (anger, despair, anxiety, shame, envy, jealousy, guilt) to a flexible, adaptive belief system that leads to healthy negative emotions such as annoyance, sorrow, concern, disappointment, displeasure, healthy envy, healthy jealousy and remorse. These latter emotions are healthy because they signal a problem, they help acknowledge that problem, they help motivate us to change what we can change, or when little can be changed they allow us to move on emotionally.
The point I wish to emphasize is that you will be well advised to start saying to yourself “I make myself upset. It does not happen to me. I play a role in my self-defeating emotional upset. I can choose to respond differently when people misbehave.” This is the Principle of Emotional Responsibility.