While training at the Albert Ellis Institute in 1988, I co-led a two-hour group with him. It was a training requirement to do this. It was a wonderful learning experience. Albert had all these memorable sayings that I still remember. One has stuck with me over the years because it is so helpful in dealing with people. He often would say in a strong voice, “People will do what they want and not what you want. You had better accept this!”
People to People Problems are Most Common
Most days, on my walk home, I reflect on the problems I discussed earlier after seeing eight or more patients. For most patients I have worked with earlier in the day, I am often helping someone tolerate another person. Of course, I do get issues that do not involve other people. Still, I am often helping someone cope with the unhealthy emotions they experience in a relationship with a significant other. Whether it be anger, hurt, envy, jealousy, shame, depression, or anxiety, I show people how to have attitudes that enable them to have a healthy reaction to another person. That other person is either a spouse, a child, a sibling, a parent, a friend, a colleague, a supervisor, a neighbor, a politician, or a stranger. People are social animals; we live with people and are interdependent. Sadly, we easily tend to disturb ourselves in our relationships with others. We then sulk, retaliate, shun, curse, denigrate, avoid, criticize or yell at the other person, only undermining the overarching goal of dealing with them effectively and getting more of what we want out of the relationship. I often half-jokingly state that if people did not disturb themselves so easily about other people, I would not have a job.
Three Ideas at the Core of Disturbance
Ellis argued that three ideas were at the core of emotional disturbance which are:
- I have to do perfectly well. If I do not, I am lesser or worthless.
- You have to treat me nicely. If you do not, you are a bad person.
- Life has to be easy. If it is not, I cannot bear it.
Unsurprisingly, one of those three ideas at the core of emotional disturbance pertains to other people.
Couples who Succeed in Therapy
When couples come to me for relationship counseling, it is more often than not that they come thinking their partner is the one who will have to make the primary changes to make the relationships work. The typical stance is that their partner has the problem, so their partner has to change. I quickly emphasize and advise that each person is better off looking for ways to change something within themselves if they want to increase the chances of the relationship improving. I tell them to work “inside out.” I point out that it is far easier to change yourself than another person. Inevitably people make some effort to change themselves but often are inclined to return to the idea that their partner has more responsibility for changing. In those instances where both partners take responsibility for their emotional disturbance regardless of how their partner misbehaves, REBT couples therapy works quite nicely! The couple creates a win\win outcome.
First, Use REBT for Six Months
When people would speak to Ellis about quitting a job due to a conflict with someone they work with or conflict with the management of their organization, and when they talked about leaving their spouse, Ellis would encourage them to learn REBT and change themselves first. He would suggest that they do this for six months. Ellis would advise that once they are effectively utilizing REBT and experiencing healthy emotional reactions, they could revisit the question of quitting their job or divorcing their spouse. He would point out that there are no perfect jobs, no perfect spouses, and no perfect people, and whenever we swap out people or jobs, we face tradeoffs. That is, REBT is a realistic philosophy of life and points out that there are no utopias and that all humans have characteristics that are potential points of contention. It is not to say that we might not change jobs or spouses in the end because we may find the tradeoffs to our liking. Still, REBT encourages people to make this change with their eyes wide open to the tradeoffs they will inevitably encounter when employed in a new organization or married to a new partner.
Takeaways to remember:
- When facing interpersonal conflicts, look for something about yourself to change. You have a far better chance of changing yourself, learning not to disturb yourself, than you do of changing other people. First, work inside out.
- People do not have to do what you want. People will do what they want, not what you want. This wisdom holds even when you desire fair, sensible, respectful, supportive, and courteous treatment from the other person. It also applies when you want the other person to change for their benefit, not yours. Remember that we differ in our definitions of these words, and what is fair to you may not be seen that way by others.
- After learning to react in emotionally healthy ways to the other person, you will have a better chance to assert your point of view constructively. Poised assertive speech may lead to getting some of what you want, sometimes, from others.
- Define what you mean when using abstract terms like respect, fairness, courtesy, and support. We sometimes operate under different definitions of abstract terms that lead to muddled communication and set the stage for our problems with others.
- There are no utopias, perfect people, or ideal solutions, just tradeoffs. Learn to tolerate imperfection in yourself, others, and in life. Make significant changes in your life with your eyes wide open. Good luck!