Albert Ellis, the originator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, argued that the best practitioners of REBT were those who did not merely see it as a technique to be applied only to one’s clinical work with patients. Instead, he argued that the best practitioners of REBT used it routinely in their own lives. It is easy for practitioners to advise their patients to think and do all the things REBT recommends. It is quite another thing to model REBT in one’s own life. Similarly, it is easy for an REBT practitioner to teach people an anti-whining philosophy and encourage them to unconditionally accept all the trials and tribulations fate puts in one’s way. Still, it is considerably harder to be a model of this philosophy for one’s patients. In a book chapter I once wrote titled REBT as a Philosophy of Life, I discuss how I successfully implement REBT in my life and reveal areas where I sometimes struggle to implement REBT effectively or consistently.
I recently took a vacation to California. The planning for this trip had been extensive, and I hoped that everything would unfold as planned. Ten days before I departed, the trip had to be extended by one day to accommodate a change imposed upon me. The primary reason for the trip was to visit one restaurant, The French Laundry. As luck would have it, this fine restaurant elected to unilaterally move my reservation, and I had no choice but to accommodate the change and adjust my itinerary to all the secondary destinations or not go to the restaurant. After making the last-minute changes in my itinerary this obstacle required, I wondered what else might go wrong on the trip. On the flight out to California, I thought about how I might manage to mount a healthy reaction to any unforeseen problems I encountered while on this highly anticipated vacation. I comforted myself by occasionally repeating under my breath the following aphorism:
“Walter, you are not special. You are not exempt from misfortune. Accept this.”
This short statement proved exceptionally effective in helping me have a healthy concern, not unhealthy anxiety, when I called to mind other possible problems that could occur. It also helped me experience healthy disappointment when something did not go as planned. Allow me to unpack what this short statement means to me and why I think it was so effective.
REBT teaches a realistic philosophy of life. It encourages me to accept that despite my strongest wishes and desires, the hand of fate will not always cooperate with me, and it will deprive me of pleasure. I strive to work on acknowledging that things will not always be as I want them to be and to accept, in a deep way, this fact of life. REBT encourages me to immediately address lapses I may occasionally have into idealistic, rigid attitudes, leading to instances of self-defeating emotional disturbance. It reminds me that I disturb myself when I demand that events in life unfold as I want them to. REBT theory focuses my attention on the three rigid attitudes that underpin my unhealthy negative emotions. My coping statement, “Walter, you are not special. You are not exempt from misfortune. Accept this,” helps me target the self-defeating ideas underpinning my disturbance such as:
1. I must perform well and have the love and approval of significant others.
2. Other people must treat me nicely.
3. Life must be easy and follow my master plan.
My aphorism also helps me guard against three extreme ideas which derive from my above demands:
1. This adversity is unbearable, intolerable, or something I cannot withstand.
2. This adversity is awful, terrible, or the end of the world.
3. Life, I, or others are not a mix of good and bad parts, but wholly, totally bad.
REBT encourages us to see that we can resist the first three idealistic and rigid attitudes when they occur and cultivate flexible and non-extreme attitudes towards the adversities we face. My silent self-statement, “Walter, you are not special. You are not exempt from misfortune. Accept this,” affirms a healthy idea. It reminds me that although I may be unique as an individual, I am not exempt from the unfortunate and bad things that can and do occur to other humans. It also helps me to remember to ask myself critical questions like:
1. Why should you be exempt from the worst of life’s challenges that other people face?
2. What makes you so special that hardship should not occur to you too?
3. Where is it written that you too must not be tested, frustrated, or deprived?
I find mumbling this statement under my breath helps me maintain a philosophy of unconditional acceptance towards all adversities I may encounter. This aphorism also protects me from thinking, “Because you are an REBT professional, you must not think irrationally, must avoid errors, and never misbehave.” My statement helps me to appreciate I am a fallible human first and an REBT psychologist second. It helps me unconditionally accept myself despite my shortcomings because I am highly imperfect, just like everyone else. When another person treats me poorly, my aphorism helps me respond with disappointment or healthy anger depending on the transgression. Finally, reminding myself that I am not special helps me come to terms with all the adversities, both big and small, that the hand of fate throws my way. It also allows me to abstract the good within the bad, as life has shown me that within the bad nearly always lies some good if I assume it is there for the taking.
REBT is a philosophy of pleasure aimed at enabling us to take full advantage of the opportunity of living. It helps people maximize enjoyment despite all the disappointments, hardships, and adversities that will inevitably come our way. I have found that it can be easy for me to think REBT applies to other people but that somehow the rules of life should be different for a doll like me. Fallible humans are prone to sloppy thinking, and a psychologist is no different. Of course, this is a ridiculous way of thinking. It is false to the facts. My aphorism “Walter, you are not special. You are not exempt from misfortune. Accept this,” helps me implement REBT’s philosophy at the most challenging times. It helps me cultivate unconditional self, unconditional other, and unconditional life acceptance when I am inclined to whine, complain, or otherwise upset myself as I face the disappointments, injustice, or misfortune of my life. This aphorism works for me, it might work for you. Try it!