In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, REBT, I often encourage my patients to complete self-help forms when in a state of emotional disturbance. REBT practitioners have created different self-help forms to assist a patient in identifying and changing their self-defeating attitudes. These are great tools, but too often, patients refuse to sit down when in the throes of an emotional episode, or shortly after, and use a self-help form to change their thinking. Low discomfort tolerance probably is why my patients do not utilize these forms. They may think that the self-help form is too hard, too time-consuming, or otherwise not worth doing. They may also believe that they have to complete the form perfectly well to be useful to them. The patients who do use these forms are the ones who see much better results using REBT and make more profound changes in their personal lives.
To respond flexibly to my patients who do not wish to use the formal self-help forms, I have a much more straightforward approach. I have instructed them to take out a piece of paper and write the letters A, B, C, D, E, and F down the page. I often joke this can be done anywhere, like on a napkin, if you are on a date and are feeling anxious. When your date leaves the table to use the restroom, you can take advantage of the opportunity and use your table napkin to check and fix your thinking. I teach my patients to use these six letters to guide them through a period of reflection on how they are disturbing themselves about the problematic situation they are facing. Let us look at how to implement this easier, less structured approach. The problem I will use is that you have a family member or a friend who does not initiate calls to you but is more than happy to accept your phone calls when you reach out to them. In this example, let us assume you feel hurt that you are always the person who initiates the communication in this relationship. Hurt is a common problem with family and friends and can lead to the demise of a relationship.
A = Adversity: I am always the one to call my friend who never takes the initiative to contact me. I deserve better treatment in a friendship. This shows they don’t care about me as much as I care about them.
B = Basic Attitudes: My friend absolutely should occasionally take the initiative to reach out to me. He must reciprocate and show me he cares for me and that I am as important to him as he is to me.
C = Consequences (note the different components at point C):
Emotional consequences: I feel hurt.
Behavioral consequences: I sulk and shutdown communication by not calling my friend to get across to him that I want him to contact me and that I am hurt.
Subsequent biased thinking: I think that my friend does not care for me or is indifferent to me.
D = Disputing (Critical Questioning of My Basic Attitudes):
Although I strongly want my friend to take the initiative to call me, is it true that he absolutely must do this? Answer: He does not have to take the initiative and call me even if it I would like that very much.
Must my friend relate to me the way I prefer? Answer: My friend does not have to relate to me as I want him to. I can have a friendship with someone even when he does not treat me precisely as I want if I hold a flexible attitude. This will allow me to enjoy the good and live well with the undesirable aspects of any relationship.
Does my attitude of demanding initiative from my friend work well in the real world with fallible humans? Answer: My philosophy does not work well in the real world with fallible humans simply because fallible humans will disappoint me from time to time. My sulking does not efficiently work to get me more of what I want in relationships. Sulking is a childish form of behavior which is much less effective than asking for what I want.
What flexible or nonextreme attitude will help me react to my friend’s disappointing behavior in a healthy and constructive way? Answer: My answer is found below in the Effective New Philosophy I will outline there.
E = Effective New Philosophy: I wish my friend would take the initiative to call me and show that he cares and thinks about me as much as I care about him, but he does not have to do so. I can feel a healthy negative feeling of sorrow, which will motivate me to address this with him in a mature way. I could communicate my feelings to my friend directly instead of shutting down communication with him. I could also assert myself and request that I would like my friend to call me occasionally. I could communicate that doing this has a significant meaning to me.
Functional New Behavior: I will pick up the phone and call my friend, have a pleasant discussion with him, let him know how I enjoy speaking with him from time to time, and add that it would mean a great deal to me if he too took the time to initiate communication with me. If he does not do this, I will remain unconditionally accepting of my friend. I will remain aware that my friend fails to do something I would like him to do. I will not make demands that are short-sighted and self-defeating to me in the end. There are no ideal relationships, and realism helps me get more of what I want in human relationships.
This example shows how to use REBT. Using a pen and paper to think critically about your emotional episode can help you considerably. I suspect if you only did the first part of this exercise, the cognitive distance you would achieve could help you a bit. By writing the letters A, B, and C, you are lightly reminding yourself that your thinking about the Adversity has some importance in your emotional reaction at point C, the Emotional Consequence. It certainly would be better if you went onto parts D, E, and F of this process, but sadly many fallible humans will not do so. Nevertheless, I continue to advocate for using this simple self-help method because I still believe in the power of pen and paper to engage in self-help. Try it and see for yourself!
Bottom line: Use the letters A, B, C, D, E, and F on a plain sheet of paper to help guide your critical analysis of how you are disturbing yourself about particular adversity. Remember that you can also learn a great deal by watching others get help from REBT and as I work with them. I suggest you attend my weekly Saturday Zoom REBT Conversation Hour, where I help a volunteer with one of their problems. Observing other people struggle to learn and apply REBT can also help you understand this powerful self-help philosophy. Go here to sign up to receive your Zoom invitation: https://rebtdoctor.com/rational-emotive-behavioral-weekly-zoom-conversation-hour.html