In REBT, we encourage people to develop unconditional self-acceptance. This involves accepting yourself warts and all. This is different from self-esteem. Self-acceptance involves accepting yourself both when you do well and when you do poorly. It involves no rating of the “self”. You do not rank the “self” next to the “self” of others even when you acknowledge the unique talents others possess. Self-esteem, which is always conditional, involves accepting or esteeming yourself on the condition that you do well. Fallible humans will inevitably error and misbehave. When you have self-acceptance, you can objectively rate your behavior, what you have done and learn from it. You can acknowledge it would have been better to do otherwise. However, you do not go beyond rating your behavior. With self-esteem, you do rate yourself and feel bad about you as a person when you have acted poorly. Whether you elect to esteem yourself or unconditionally accept yourself you still are responsible for the impact your behavior has on others and on society. Unconditional self-acceptance does not give you license to break laws or misbehave. It merely gives you license to accept yourself unconditionally as you attempt to responsibly face the consequences of your mistakes and to learn from them. It merely gives you license to avoid rating and ranking your ever changing “self”. It also gives you license to accept you as you currently are. With unconditional self-acceptance, you side step a great deal of depression, anxiety, guilt and shame when you demonstrate your humanity and make errors.
Developing self-acceptance takes a great deal of work. We are born sloppy thinkers who easily jump from rating our behavior and talents to assigning a rank to our ever changing “self”. Furthermore, our well-meaning teachers and parents often teach us as children to rate our deeds and to then have self-esteem for doing good deeds. This is a mistake, which sets the stage for emotional problems. Fallible humans will inevitably error or not live up to the reasons for their arbitrary self-esteem and when this happens emotional turmoil results. When you rank your “self” and feel good about your ranking, you will eventually encounter someone who does better than you do and thereby ranks better than you rank in some skill or ability. When you encounter such a situation, you feel less worthwhile as a person. This sets the stage for depression, feelings of inadequacy, and worthlessness. REBT is unique in its emphasis on unconditional self-acceptance. Think about the advantages of unconditional self-acceptance and then choose to accept your “self” warts and all.