The Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, Jalen Hurts, responded graciously to a reporter’s inquiry following his team’s heartbreaking loss, despite his extraordinary performance in Superbowl LVII. Hurts said, “The beautiful part about it is everyone experiences different pains, everyone experiences different agonies of life. You decide if you want to learn from it. You decide if you want that to be a teachable moment. I know I do.” His attitude is consistent with the spirit of REBT philosophy.
Sooner or later, all humans must face an unavoidable part of life: significant loss and heartfelt failure. Significant failures and losses are inevitable, whether it be the loss of an important game, the death of one’s parents or beloved spouse, the loss of a coveted job, or the loss of romantic love. Such events are inevitable in everyone’s life. Perhaps the only fair aspect of life is that no human is exempt from experiencing profound failures and tremendous losses. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is a philosophy of life that can help you transcend the heartbreaking challenges you will inevitably face.
Challenging Your Inference of Loss May Help Only Sometimes
Some cognitive behavior therapies will attempt to comfort you with a strategy encouraging you to be skeptical that your prediction of loss or failure will occur. They argue that no one can predict the future, and the worst-case scenario may not happen. In traditional cognitive behavior therapy, the therapist often argues that you could assume a cognitive distortion is present in your thinking, that a negative bias is present, and that loss or failure you are emotionally reacting to is not a preordained fact. You can alleviate your anxiety and hopelessness by loosening your grip on the certainty surrounding anticipated loss and failure. This strategy has some merit but also has its distinct limitations. Although it is true that we sometimes needlessly upset ourselves by getting ahead of time and assuming an adverse event will inevitably occur, sadly, sometimes our worse nightmare occurs. We lose the Superbowl, we don’t get the job offer, someone dies, or we lose love. When a cognitive distortion, a negative bias, or an erroneous assumption is not present, but instead, we face a cold, hard fact of life that we have suffered a significant loss, been eliminated, rejected, or failed, the utility of the strategy that the adverse event fails us. No cognitive distortion is present, and life has happened in the worst possible way – now what?
The Philosophically Elegant Solution of REBT
REBT takes an entirely different angle toward the feared adversity from the outset. We prepare you for the worst possible outcome from the beginning. Why? Because in life, you can run but not hide from significant loss and profound failure. REBT is a gritty approach because it does not attempt to call into question the probability that our worst nightmare will occur. Its initial and preferred gambit is to assume that some adversity will occur. This assumption allows the individual to go beyond the inference that loss or failure is possible and identify a deeper philosophical attitude that makes the individual emotionally vulnerable and lies at the core of their disturbed emotional response. REBT theorizes that in matters that are near and dear to one’s heart, humans quite quickly jump from the sensible attitude “I do not want this failure or loss to occur” to “because it would be quite painful to experience this failure or loss, therefore, it (absolutely) must not occur to dear little, old me! I could not bear that loss!”
REBT’s approach to transcending loss and failure takes a great effort to adopt. Humans tend to want to avoid exceedingly difficult and painful aspects of life. I struggle to show people that we never have to get what we want, no matter how badly we may want it. None of us have to achieve our quest, no matter how much we have practiced or sacrificed to achieve our goal. None of us are “special”; tragic events, profound injustice, and other significant losses and failures may and are likely to occur to all of us at some point in life. REBT pushes the person to learn a profound lesson that we can bear considerably more pain, discomfort, and sorrow than we assume. People tend only to grow as strong as life’s challenges have necessitated. However, when particularly painful failures and losses occur using REBT, we can philosophically adjust to them, grow as reality necessitates, transcend them, and move on.
An Absolutistic Attitude at the Core of Disturbance
REBT targets four ideas to help people recover from loss and failure. At the core of the four is one fundamental idea: Conditions and things I do not like in this world (absolutely) must not exist. From this core idea emanates important self-defeating derivatives:
An Attitude of Unbearability
Because I believe this negative state of affairs (absolutely) must not exist, its existence in my life is unbearable. (An attitude of intolerance)
An Attitude that Adversity is More than 100% Bad
Because I believe that this negative state of affairs (absolutely) must not exist, its existence is more than bad it is the end of the world, it is awful, and no good can come from it. (An extreme rating of badness)
An Attitude of Devaluation of Self, Others, or Life
Because I believe that this negative state of affairs (absolutely) must not exist, and I cannot prevent it from existing, this reflects on my total self and essence and reveals I am a diminished, inadequate person.
Because I hold that this negative state of affairs (absolutely) must not exist and you are responsible for causing this hardship for me, you are a bad, wicked, worthless person or, at the very least, lesser as a person.
Because this negative state of affairs (absolutely) must not exist, it proves life is wholly bad and leaves me no room for having some happiness while this state of affairs is occurring. Therefore life is probably not worth living as long as this state of affairs exists.
Realistic Attitudes Lead to Adaptation
In REBT, we persist in challenging you to adopt realistic attitudes that help you carry on in the face of great adversity. We intelligently argue against your attitudes, a process we call disputing, and teach you how to engage in this self-therapeutic process. We do this in the service of helping you come to adapt to your worst-case scenario, your most significant failures, and losses so that you can go and have some degree of happiness or satisfaction in life without denying the loss you have suffered. We teach a tough-minded philosophy that challenges the therapist and the client but pays great emotional dividends once adopted. Why do we do this? Because learning what we call the philosophically elegant solution to life helps you in the present and the future. Recall earlier that I pointed out that you can run but not hide from significant loss and profound failure. REBT, like Tibetan Buddhism, acknowledges life is hard and it will test us. Significant pain is inevitable. Nothing stays the same, and loss will occur. Once we are born, we will inevitably have to face the sickness, decline, and death of ourselves, our closest friends, and our loved ones. There is no avoiding the sadness that results from these existential challenges. REBT encourages you to cultivate unconditional life acceptance by giving up the rigid and extreme attitudes that prevent you from coping with reality as it is rather than hoping that the conditions of your life are not so ugly. REBT teaches you how to adapt.
With deep reflection and disputing, consistent work, and ongoing practice, you can learn to adopt the below healthy attitudes to your worse nightmare:
A Flexible, Realistic Attitude as the Basis of Resiliency
Conditions and things I do not like in this world will exist. They do not have to be absent from my life. I can choose to acknowledge and accept this regrettable fact of life.
An Attitude of Bearability
Even though this negative state of affairs would ideally not exist, it is not unbearable in my life. I will feel sorrowful, deeply disappointed, quite concerned, or very uncomfortable, but I can bear this inner experience. Bearing the external adversity and my inner experience in response to it is worth doing, as I want to transcend my life’s inevitable losses and failures. (An attitude of tolerating adversity and unavoidable pain)
An Attitude that Adversity is Exceptionally Bad but Not the End of the World
Even though this adversity ideally would not exist, its existence is not more than exceptionally bad it is not the end of the world. Moreover, it is not awful, and although it may be hard for me to fathom right now that good can come from it, I will acknowledge that good can come from it over time. (a non-extreme rating of the adversity)
An Attitude of Acceptance of Self, Others, or Life
Even though I cannot prevent this adversity from existing, this does not reflect on my total self and essence nor prove that I am a diminished, inadequate person. It proves I am imperfect, have limitations, and face a difficult situation.
Even though you are responsible for causing me to face this problem, it still does not prove you are a bad, wicked, worthless person or even lesser as a person. It proves you are a fallible human who has brought me a bad situation.
Even though my life is far from ideal, it never establishes that life is worthless and does not leave any room for happiness while this state of affairs exists. Therefore, life remains worth living despite this highly negative state of affairs.
Summary
REBT teaches the required philosophical attitudes for transcending life’s most painful losses and failures. Admittedly doing so is difficult, but let us face the facts – life is hard. It is hard for all of us. Sooner or later, you will suffer painful losses and failures. REBT can help you transcend these difficult times. But REBT takes effort and sustained practice. As Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts wisely said, “The beautiful part about it is everyone experiences different pains, everyone experiences different agonies of life. You decide if you want to learn from it. You decide if you want that to be a teachable moment. I know I do.” Reader, take note.