The philosophy of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy emphasizes the importance of healthy negative emotions. When we do not get what we want, desire, or prefer, we will feel a negative emotion. It is impossible and unhealthy to feel indifferent when our wishes go unfulfilled. To feel indifferent or no negative emotion when we did not receive what we wanted, we would have to relinquish our desire for what we want, and this is impossible to do if we remain honest with ourselves. Humans want what they want, and when we do not get what we want, we naturally feel a negative emotion. Negative feelings are a signal that something is not right; we are not getting what we want. Negative emotions also are a source of motivation. The negative feelings we feel when we do not get our desires fulfilled motivate us to try to change what we can and thereby increase the chances of getting our desire filled in the future. It would be unhealthy not to feel a negative feeling because we then would lack the motivation to attempt to improve the situation if this is possible. The important thing is to have a mindset towards the deprivation we feel when we do not get what we want that leads to a constructive effort to change what can be changed. If you cannot do anything to get your desire fulfilled, then the sensible thing to do is to have a negative feeling that acknowledges this unfulfilled desire but allows us to have some degree of happiness despite our deprivation.
In REBT, we make a distinction between healthy and unhealthy negative emotions. Stoic and Buddhist philosophy also make this same distinction and teach that pain in life is inevitable, but suffering is optional. This overlap is because REBT derives from ancient and modern philosophy. There are two healthy negative emotions that I often refer to as my two favorite negative emotions. These are the emotions of concern and disappointment.
I teach that concern and disappointment are useful alternatives to the unhealthy negative emotions of anxiety and depression. Anxiety is an emotion that occurs when we perceive a threat of some kind. We could have anxiety about possibly performing poorly, also known as ego anxiety, or we can have anxiety about being in a state of discomfort, known as nonego anxiety or discomfort anxiety. Anxiety is an uncomfortable emotion that often leads to self-defeating withdrawal from the perceived threat. If we hold a rigid or extreme attitude towards the threat, we are likely to retreat, procrastinate, escape, or medicate. We fail to address the threat, constructively, when experiencing unhealthy anxiety. Here are some attitudes that lead to ego anxiety:
1. I must do perfectly well.
2. It would be awful if I did not perform well or if I failed.
3. I could not bear to not do well in this crucial matter. (Note: This attitude will lead to discomfort anxiety, not ego anxiety. Discomfort anxiety also leads to self-defeating avoidance behavior.)
4. If I did poorly, that would prove I am lesser of a person or worthless as a person.
If a person changes these rigid and extreme attitudes towards the threat they face, they would likely feel healthy concern, which would not undermine their performance. Because of their constructive negative feeling of concern, they would not procrastinate and avoid addressing the threat, they would not always think about the threat, and would not feel inclined to escape the feeling of concern with unhealthy use of drugs and alcohol. A healthy mindset incorporating flexible and non-extreme attitudes to the threat would be:
1. I want to do well, perform flawlessly, but I do not have to do so.
2. It would be unfortunate if I did not perform well or if I failed, but it would not be awful, terrible, or the end of the bloody world.
3. It would be unfortunate and uncomfortable if I did not do well in this crucial matter as there would be practical consequences to tolerate, but it would not be unbearable. I could tolerate these possible consequences regardless of how inconvenient they would be, and it would be worth enduring reality as it existed until I could do something to change it.
4. If I did poorly, that would prove I am a fallible person, not that I am lesser of a person or worthless as a person. I could still accept myself. That choice would be mine to make. I could acknowledge my poor performance and strive to learn from it so as not to repeat it.
Along with concern, I find the healthy negative emotion disappointment as the constructive emotional goal to have in a variety of circumstances of life. Life inevitably involves not getting what we want, and disappointment (or sadness) is healthy when this unfortunate reality exists. Disappointment is inevitable, but we often construct the self-defeating emotion of depression when we fail or lose something of value. Our rigid and extreme attitudes about our failure or loss are responsible for the depression we feel. The feelings of depression then lead to self-defeating behavior such as withdrawal from activity that can restore meaning and pleasure in life. Depression, in essence, is an emotional response that undermines moving on and having some degree of happiness despite the failure or loss in one area of our lives.
The philosophy of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy defines rational attitudes as attitudes that are flexible and non-extreme, will lead to healthy negative emotions, and will produce self-helping behavioral responses. These attitudes help us function and adapt despite adversity. Here are examples of rational attitudes that will lead to the healthy negative emotion of disappointment when important wishes, wants and hopes go unfulfilled:
1. I wanted a different outcome, and I did try my best to attempt to achieve that outcome as I strongly wanted it, but sadly I did not get what I wanted, nor did I have to get what I wanted. I recognize I do not have to get what I want, no matter how badly I may want something. Life goes on, and I still can have some happiness despite this setback.
2. Given that I did not get what I strongly wanted, the deprivation I now experience is quite bad but not awful. Life goes on even when significant deprivation exists in my life. Worse deprivation could occur if I think about life and its many potential disappointments and sorrows. I can choose to accept reality as it is and not as I wish it would be. I will have a healthy perspective on this unfortunate aspect of reality.
3. Experiencing the deprivation I feel is quite uncomfortable but not unbearable. I can endure disappointments when my wish goes unfulfilled and it is worth doing as this is reality as it currently exists. Life does not have to be as I want it to be. It never has to be!
4. Unfortunately, I did not get what I set out to achieve despite my best effort to obtain what I wanted. This failure is very disappointing but it does not make me lesser of a person. I am a fallible human and I can always choose to accept myself even when I am unable to accomplish my goals. My essence as a person is never validly defined by what I can obtain through effort or good fortune. I can unconditionally accept myself regardless of the outcome of events.
Bottom line: REBT is particularly useful when your worst nightmare has or may well come to pass. You can choose to feel concerned in advance of an adverse event’s occurrence and disappointed once it has come to pass. These healthy negative emotions will enable you to acknowledge reality, take whatever steps you can to prevent an adverse event from happening, avoid being consumed by the potential threat, and then living well with a loss once it has occurred. REBT is the philosophy that teaches you how to have some degree of happiness even when adversity arises. Learn it, use it, and practice it. Unfortunately, we do not explicitly teach people to think this sensible way. However, when you discipline your mind to remember these flexible and non-extreme attitudes, you will experience healthy pain, avoid unhealthy and unnecessary suffering, and adapt to the challenges of life.