In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, REBT, we argue that rigid and extreme attitudes lie at the core of emotional disturbance. I teach patients to look for their “Musts” and “Absolute Shoulds,” which are primary attitudes that give rise to extreme secondary attitudes such as “I cannot stand it.” An example would go something like this:
Life must not be so difficult and include coping with pandemics. (Rigid attitude)
I cannot stand the adaptations this pandemic requires. (Extreme attitude)
In REBT, we encourage people to examine the impact of their rigid and extreme attitudes. We also encourage you to look for evidence that either supports or refutes the attitude. The effect of the attitudes demonstrated above on a person’s functioning is to impair it through the creation of self-defeating emotional disturbance. Further examination of the attitudes reveals that there is no empirical evidence that supports their validity. They are false to the facts. Life can be difficult and include coping with pandemics, whether you think it should or not. Thinking it must not be so difficult cannot be supported by evidence. Furthermore, enduring the adaptations, the pandemic requires are within limits, a human can tolerate. No one ever died of wearing an N95 mask to reduce the chances of infection. You may not like wearing a mask, but you can stand it.
Once you have examined the functional impact and the validity of your rigid and extreme attitudes, REBT encourages you to modify them by making them flexible and non-extreme. To do this, you replace your “must” with a “wish,” “want,” or “preference,” and you have created a flexible attitude. For the extreme attitude known in REBT as “I cannot stand it-itis” replace “I cannot stand it” with “It is uncomfortable, but it is not unbearable, and I actually can stand it.” For the exact rigid and extreme attitudes shown above the flexible and non-extreme attitudes would be:
I wish that life was not so difficult and include coping with pandemics, but sadly it does, and it is simply untrue to think it must not be so difficult and involve coping with epidemics. (Flexible attitude)
The adaptations this pandemic requires are uncomfortable, but these are not unbearable, and I certainly can stand the adaptations this pandemic requires. These adaptations are worth implementing, and that is why I will endure the inconvenience of making them. I am worth doing this as I do not want to lose my health. (Non-extreme attitude)
In REBT, I teach you the value of accepting what you cannot change and changing what you can. You can change your self-defeating rigid and extreme attitudes through thoughtful analysis and modify them so that they are flexible and non-extreme, which will lead you to avoid disturbing yourself over the reality as it currently exists. My preferred definition of acceptance in REBT is the one put forth by Dr. Windy Dryden:
To accept something is to (1) acknowledge that it exists, (2) acknowledge that all the conditions are in place for it to exist (3) believe that while it is preferable for this reality not to exist, it does not follow that it must not exist, and (4) resolve to change the existing conditions if they can be changed and adjust constructively and move on if they can’t be changed.
I point out to my patients that acceptance cannot exist in the mind of a person who is holding a rigid and extreme attitude towards something. The relationship between acceptance and flexible and non-extreme attitudes is that acceptance depends on flexible and non-extreme attitudes. You cannot demand that reality not be as it is and, in the next breath, claim that you accept reality as it is.
I also point out to my patients that, unfortunately, we do not spend sufficient time teaching people how to cultivate acceptance. We live in a technological society where we attempt to engineer a solution to any adversity we encounter. Illness, inconvenience, and any other difficulty is always the target of our efforts to change things. There is nothing wrong with this technological approach. Unfortunately, sometimes our solutions take time to develop, and either we suffer emotional disturbance until we can change what we do not like, or we hold flexible and non-extreme attitudes for as long as the adversity exists.
Summary:
1. When disturbed, identify your rigid “Musts” and other secondary derivative attitudes like “I cannot stand it-itis.”
2. Examine the functional impact and evidence for and against these rigid and extreme attitudes.
3. Replace your rigid “Musts” with “wishes” and “preferences” and acknowledge that you can bear what you do not like.
4. Remind yourself that until you can change or avoid adversity, it is useful to cultivate acceptance of reality as it currently exists.
5. Remember, rigid and extreme attitudes cannot exist in the mind of a person who accepts what he cannot change.