The Paradox of Accepting Others Unconditionally

In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), we encourage you to cultivate unconditional acceptance of others. We make this recommendation because unconditional other acceptance is beneficial to you. Although the person you unconditionally accept will also profit from your emotional maturity, you will remain motivated to discipline yourself to unconditionally accept others if you identify the profound benefits you derive by adopting this philosophy towards other people. 

Generally speaking, people opt for conditional acceptance of others. It is the default mode of the human mind. When you conditionally accept others, you operate according to the golden rule. You treat people nicely and expect them to reciprocate treating you nicely. When you treat people nicely but conclude that others are not responding in kind, you tend to judge them as people and feel hurt and angry. You put them down in your head as people. You categorize them in a derogatory way. However, in REBT philosophy, we encourage you to see the significant benefits you derive from your efforts to unconditionally accept others as fallible humans, even when they violate the golden rule and mistreat you. We even advocate staying with this stance when others mistreat you in a significant way. The paradox of unconditionally accepting others is that it yields the most benefits when it is most difficult for you to offer another person who has “harmed” or “hurt” you.

What it Meant by Unconditionally Accepting Others

Unconditional other acceptance involves fully accepting people as fallible humans. Your acceptance incorporates recognizing their error proneness as part of their human nature. In so doing, you acknowledge implicitly or explicitly that they are complex beings in a state of evolution and, over time, will do good, neutral, and bad deeds in their relationship with you. You resist confusing the other person’s essence with what they do or the characteristics they possess. You stick to logic. You do not mistake a part of someone for the whole of them. You avoid overgeneralizing from the negative piece or characteristic to the whole person, from the deed to the person. You do not put them in a particular category of humanity with a negative label describing it. You think of them as a human with imperfections, much like yourself, in that they and you are fallible.

It is important to note that when you unconditionally accept another person, you continue to acknowledge their responsibility for their decisions and actions. Often their misdeeds will be based on ignorance or emotional disturbance. Nothing precludes you from protecting yourself from them if they are engaging in acts that could seriously harm you or others. It is just that your attitude and, more importantly, how you feel are very different. You can choose to assert yourself with them to have a favorable influence on how they treat you. When their mistreatment is severe, you hate, if you will, what they do or fail to do. However, you do not damn them. You unangrily or out of deep concern try to influence them, help them, and show them there are better ways to do things. You may elect to help to bring them to justice in a noncondemning way. You may join forces with others who share mutually held values to stop the individual from doing further egregious acts. However, you accept the individual doing the deplorable acts as nothing more or less than a fallible human.

Advantages of Unconditional Other-Acceptance (UOA)

There are so many advantages to unconditionally accepting others that I may fail to mention a few. The list is so numerous that once you deeply understand the concept, put it into action, and stick with it, experience the results you get with it, you may wonder why it did not occur to you to implement this profound stance to others sooner. 

1. Unconditionally accepting others allows you to control your self-defeating, unhealthy emotional responses of anger and hurt. You can look past the flaws of the person you are relating to and maintain the relationship when it is in your long-term best interest to continue it.
2. It allows you not to anger yourself and say and do something you later regret. You display poise in your response, not impulsive tit-for-tat childish responses.
3. It assists you in problem-solving to find a way to get what you want from the relationship. You are maximally creative.
4. It leaves you in an emotional state whereby you can better influence the other party to see things from your point of view. You have greater empathy, enabling you to find a middle ground in the disagreement.
5. It enables you, when necessary, to punish on a contingent basis in a fair-minded way, not a heavy-handed way. You act out of reason, not rage or revenge.
6. You model the kind of response others can then show you when you misbehave and, thereby, will be more likely to get unconditional acceptance and forgiveness in return when you misbehave. You set a healthy example for family, friends, colleagues, and the next generation.
7. You relate to authority in an emotionally healthier way so that you can avoid self-defeating passive-aggressive responses based on unhealthy anger.
8. You avoid antagonizing others who may be motivated to continue to undermine your goals.
9. You are not vulnerable to insults. 
10. You are less likely to be alienated and estranged from family and friends and avoid ending longstanding relationships over insignificant matters.
11.  You are likely to be included by others. Many view you as easy to get along with, fair-minded, and tolerant of others.
12. You avoid overlooking the strengths others possess and are not blinded by their weaknesses.
13. You are long-term oriented.
14. You can collaborate and cooperate with others creating synergy in what you accomplish with them.
15. You avoid the somatic symptoms of anger and rage, such as neck and back pain, clenched jaws, intestinal discomfort, high blood pressure, and headache.
16. You do not ruminate over what someone has done or another person.
17. You have a sense of emotional control whereby you determine your emotions. Others do not push your buttons.
18. Others do not manipulate you by using your anger against you.
19. You are less inclined to war.
20. Your actions could lead to modeling by others, which will contribute to creating a more humane world.

Rigid and Extreme Attitudes Block Unconditionally Accepting Others 

According to REBT theory, unhealthy attitudes promote conditionally accepting others and often lead to condemnation of the other person who violates your conditions of acceptance. These attitudes tend to be rigid and extreme, do not have evidence that supports them, are illogical, and lead to more unconstructive, self-defeating emotional and behavioral reactions towards others who mistreat you. Below are a few typical examples:

1. Because I treat other people nicely, they (absolutely) must treat me nicely.
   1. Specific attitude: Because I have been so good to you, you must treat me better than you do.
2. When I treat people nicely, and they do not reciprocate in kind, that proves they are lesser as a person than me.
3. I cannot bear mistreatment from others.
4. Because I respect other people, they must show me respect. I must not be humiliated in public by another person.
5. If I let others disrespect me, that will prove I am lesser of a person.
6. There are some acts that others (absolutely) must not do. When people do such reprehensible acts, it proves they are rotten, evil people who deserve to die a painful death and suffer in hell for all eternity.
7. It is common sense that there are good and bad people. I know a good person when I see one. A person’s actions and traits determine their worth as a person.

Healthy Attitudes Which Facilitate Unconditionally Accepting Others 

According to REBT theory, the healthy attitudes that promote unconditionally accepting others have evidence that supports them, are logical and lead to more constructive, self-helping emotional and behavioral reactions towards others who mistreat you. 

Below are the corresponding healthy attitudes that correspond to the rigid and extreme attitudes listed above:

1. Even though I treat other people nicely, they do not (absolutely) have to treat me nicely. I can choose not to remain in the relationship, but it is in my interest to note that the universe does not compel humans to treat each other nicely, as the law of gravity makes us remain in contact with the ground.
   1. Specific attitude: Even though I have been so good to you, you do not have to treat me better than you do. If you continue not to reciprocate, I may choose to end our relationship, as nothing compels me to maintain it with you if I do not receive enough of what I want from you.
2. When I treat people nicely, and they do not reciprocate in kind, that proves they are fallible humans. It does not prove they are lesser as a person than me. It is in my best interest to appreciate this and unconditionally accept them as fallible humans. I then may assert myself and attempt to influence them to improve how they treat me.
3. It is challenging to bear mistreatment from others but rarely unbearable unless their actions kill me. If I unangrily face their misbehavior, I can evaluate a prudent response that is in my long-term best interest. Sometimes it is worth tolerating mistreatment in the short run to see if I can influence the other person and get more of what I want and less of what I don’t like from my relationship with them. Strive not to decide to end the connection while in a state of anger or hurt. It is healthier to be disappointed, displeased, or sad even if I intensely experience these healthy emotions.
4. Even when I respect other people, it does not follow that they (absolutely) must show me respect. That is not how human behavior works. They have an independent will and can act as they choose to act. I certainly don’t want to be the target of humiliating behavior in public by another person. However, I never have to feel humiliated when another person hurls an insulting remark my way. With unconditional self-acceptance, I acknowledge what has happened and feel appropriate disappointment and displeasure without humiliation and shame.
5. If I do not anger myself when another person disrespects me, that is not an example of letting others walk over me. I never have to take others too seriously and seek their respect and approval. I will choose to accept myself without their regard unconditionally. Not wasting my time defending my honor does not prove I am a lesser person. It proves I do not need their respect to accept myself and will not waste time and energy attempting to change what is beyond my control.
6. Some acts are incredibly harmful to others, but it does not follow that they (absolutely) must not carryout these acts. Human history shows people have done evil deeds on a large scale. Sadly, nature permits such large-scale human-to-human harm. When people do such reprehensible acts, it does not prove they are rotten, evil people who deserve to die a painful death and suffer in hell for all eternity. It demonstrates that they are fallible humans capable of significant harm and destruction due to a toxic mix of disregard for human life, ignorance, or emotional disturbance. It is better to join forces to stop this individual and their auxiliaries and bring them to justice rather than spend emotional energy condemning them in your head.
7. It is uncommon sense to see that there are no good or bad people. Here on earth reside only fallible humans with aliveness who do good, neutral, harmful, or sometimes evil deeds. I can observe people doing good and bad deeds, but I cannot directly examine their essential goodness or badness as a person. A person’s actions and traits are so numerous and changing that their human worth is always debatable and indeterminable. I will discipline my mind to focus on only what is observable and judge that rather than going beyond the empirical facts and creating mythical constructs of “evil people.” 

Bottom line:

Unconditionally accepting others is very difficult to do. With some people, it may appear impossible for you to achieve. Go back over all the advantages of unconditional acceptance of others. Add to the list. Implement such unconditional acceptance, and in time you will see the profound emotional benefits your efforts will earn you. The paradox of unconditionally accepting others is that it yields the most benefits when it is most difficult for you to offer another person who has “harmed” or “hurt” you. Call to mind the paradox of unconditionally accepting others. Please do it for your sake.