REBT is a liberating philosophy and a form of psychotherapy. One of the most liberating things REBT can do for you is to help you overcome your fear of other people. I am talking about assertiveness with your fellow humans. In my clinical work and personal life, I am struck by how humans fear other humans. There are good reasons to steer clear of some people who undoubtedly are dangerous. I am not talking about situations where there is reason to believe the other person may be violent towards you. I am talking about everyday situations where you are interacting with a stranger. It might be a fellow passenger on a high-speed train, a hotel clerk in New York, a taxicab driver, an individual in a store or elevator, or an everyday situation where you are dealing with a stranger.
In these situations, too often, we are not relaxed and spontaneous and speak to our fellow humans as frankly and assertively as we might talk to someone we know. Why is this? I suspect it is because we too often think we must conform and go along. We must meet other people’s expectations. We must not experience an awkward situation with another person. I tell my patients that it is helpful to remember that you are not speaking to an alien. You are talking to someone who is a great deal like you. You can learn not to fear them and learn how to be your spontaneous self around them. REBT can help you to learn how to ask for what you want, decline what you do not want, or politely disagree with them if you wish.
To have this freedom with people you do not know, you will have to learn to tolerate some discomfort around strangers. Push yourself to get out of your comfort zone with them. Put to the test the idea that you do not need their approval and then assert yourself with them. Put to the test the idea that you can tolerate the awkward moment when you say what you want, not what you think they expect you to say. Here are the self-statements you need to think about and more importantly act upon:
1. It is good to regularly get out of my comfort zone with people I do not know.
2. I hope they respond favorably to me, but they do not have to do so. They may be surprised but press on with the conversation a bit. (Note: If after a few statements they do not warm up do not harass them. They have a right to be left alone.)
3. I can tolerate the awkward moment when I am myself. They are from the same species I am and will likely not bite me.
4. I don’t have to meet their expectations nor need their approval.
5. I do not have to upset myself or down myself if they do not respond as I hope they would respond.
6. I can bear the discomfort of making the first move and introducing myself. This is worth doing because I want to practice being relaxed when dealing with people I do not know.
Please note I am not advocating that you act obnoxiously. However, I believe there is no reason to fear being yourself around people you do not know. I have patients who are afraid to try to make friends. There is no good reason to fear the possibility of rejection. When someone rejects you, you never have to reject yourself. Rejection is far from the end of the world. You can always choose to accept yourself and not define yourself in terms of their rejection. When you can tolerate rejection, then you are emotionally free.
Talk to people in an elevator if you are with someone you find interesting, desire conversation, or wish to practice your assertiveness skills. Be yourself with your friends and strangers. See that you can politely and calmly say what you want if you are in the mood to start a conversation. When I travel, I enjoy talking to and joking with strangers I meet. When I am in elevators at the end of the day, I use it as a chance to ask the other person how their day went. If I am in a line somewhere, I sometimes start conversations with others to pass the time of waiting in line with them. I like talking to strangers. I find it very comforting to possess the ability not to fear strangers and to deal with them calmly and relaxedly. You may find this to be true for you too. The key is not to need their approval, to unconditionally accept yourself, and to practice facing the discomfort of being yourself with others until you see that you can bear that awkward moment. After a short time of following my advice, you will see how freeing it is not to fear people you do not know and speak to them politely and calmly but assertively. Most people won’t bite you if you talk to them as if you know them:) Remember, they are from the same species you are. Get out of your comfort zone and say hello to a stranger today. You might hit it off with them. What is the worst thing that can happen if you attempt to talk with someone you do not know? Rest assured will survive if they are indifferent to you. However, taking the initiative to start a conversation might enable you to make a new friend. People will come and go from your life. In my view, you can never have too many friends. Hone your skills in making new friends. Try it and see for yourself!