Shoulding on Thy Self Leads to Self-Depreciation
“Shouldhood leads to shithood. You cannot be a shit without a should.” Albert Ellis, PhD
Albert Ellis was known for his wit, humor, and creative use of language. He emphasized the importance of coming to learn how to accept ourselves unconditionally. Having known Al, I attest to the tremendous depth of his unconditional self-acceptance which freed him to speak his mind and enjoy his life to the fullest. He showed how unconditional self-acceptance tends to lead to a deep state of emotional health and liberation. Unfortunately, most people never develop unconditional self-acceptance for a variety of reasons. Ellis argued that perhaps the primary reason humans never come to accept themselves unconditionally is that we tend to hold rigid attitudes towards our performances and the characteristics we ideally could possess. He taught that our rigid opinions were often expressed using absolutistic shoulds, ought, musts, have to’s and need to’s which we direct at our performances or personal qualities. We make things we desire absolute necessities when in fact they are not absolute necessities. Al called this process of placing absolutistic shoulds on thy self “shoulding” on oneself. He taught that once you “should on yourself” you tend to make an illogical jump to an extreme attitude about the human worth you possess. He famously expressed this with the phrase “Shouldhood leads to shithood. You cannot be a shit without a should!” The person who considers themselves a “shit” is operating under the pernicious philosophy of conditional self-acceptance. They conclude they are a “shit” because they did not do what they “should have” done or have done what they “should not have” done. This philosophy permits self-acceptance only on the condition that one always do what they “should” do or always avoid doing what they absolutely “should not” do. Unfortunately, fallible humans often are unable to perform in this ideal way and because they hold these absolutistic attitudes it is not uncommon for them to depress, shame, and guilt themselves. The person then concludes they are a“shitty, rotten, or lesser” person. They create a state of emotional shithood and suffer feelings of inferiority.
Albert taught people to look for their absolutistic “shoulds” and “musts” to help them take aim at these rigid self-defeating attitudes towards their performances and personal qualities. In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) we teach you to identify and question these absolutistic attitudes. We call this process of questioning the impact and validity of your absolute “shoulds” disputing your self-defeating attitudes. The purpose of learning how to question one’s self-defeating attitudes is to help the person free themselves from the “tyranny of the shoulds” they impose on themselves. The preferable endpoint of this period of self-reflective thought is to replace the absolutistic shoulds and musts with flexible attitudes towards their performances and personal qualities. With a flexible attitude, a person tends to have a more moderate stance towards their failed performances and towards their less than ideal personal attributes. Flexible attitudes allow the individual to move towards unconditional self-acceptance. The individual always will remain responsible for the practical consequences of their failed behavior, but they free themselves from unhealthy negative emotional consequences about their failed behavior or their less than desirable personal qualities. This unconditional self-acceptance allows the person to feel healthy negative emotions like disappointment, concern, and displeasure without the crippling emotions of depression, guilt, shame, and self-directed anger. These healthy negative feelings motivate the person to change what they can change about what they have done or failed to do. These healthy negative emotions also motivate the person to change a personal characteristic if it can be changed. When conditions cannot be altered healthy negative feelings resulting from unconditional self-acceptance allow the individual to live well with the things they cannot change.
For example, many people operate their lives with the attitude “I must do important tasks well,” and when they fail to do important tasks well they often tend to jump to “I am a failure because I failed at this important task.” A person trained in healthy thinking skills taught in REBT therapy and REBT coaching could then take a step back and ask themselves questions like these:
1. Is it true that I must do an important task well? Even if the task is an important one does it necessarily mean that it is true that the task absolutely must be done well?
2. Does the universe permit humans to fail at important tasks?
3. If humans had to do all important tasks well then how could we possibly observe other people making mistakes and failing at important tasks? Is it the case that the universe holds me to one absolute standard and other people to a more flexible standard or is this simply my self-defeating, arbitrary way of thinking?
4. Would I be better off if I acknowledged the practical advantages of doing important tasks well and then maintained only strong desires and preferences to do those tasks well without escalating and transforming my strong desires into absolutistic demands?
5. Although it is a fact that I have not done an important task well and this has produced negative practical consequences how does that magically transform me from a person who is a fallible human into a “failure” or a “shit.” Does it follow that a poor performance transforms me into fecal matter and fundamentally changes my essence? Does it make sense to think in this way?
6. What is the impact on my functioning of labeling myself a “failure” or a “shit?” Does it do me any good to think this way? Does it change anything for the better? If it impairs me how does it impair me?
7. Evaluating my performance will help me to take notice of what I have done poorly and may help me to learn to do better in the future. Do I derive any further value beyond this learning by going to extremes and labeling myself a a “failure,” a “shit” or a worthless person? Does labeling myself a “shit” harm me or hurt me?
8.If I were literally a “failure” or a”shit” as a person that would mean I would always and only do bad things, turn in poor performances, and possess only undesirable qualities, but do I not sometimes do good things, turn in good performances, and possess at least some desirable qualities?
These questions and the disputing process they constitute will hopefully help you to see that it is false to the facts to conclude that when you fail to do a critical task well, your essence or personhood changes into a “shit.” It would be better for you to have the following sensible and flexible attitude instead:
“I wish I had done this important task well because that would have real practical advantages, but sadly I failed to do so, and the truth is that in an absolute sense I did not have to do it well. Failing to do this task well has led to negative practical consequences or disadvantages that I would have preferred to avoid. Having done this important task poorly only proves I am a fallible human, a born mistake maker, not subhuman. I am free to choose to accept myself unconditionally. I wanted to do this important task well but not having done it well does not reflect on my human worth. Now let me learn from my failed performance, and address the real disadvantages or consequences of my failed performance with disappointment and concern, both constructive feelings about my failed performance. This attitude will enable me to more effectively address the negative consequences of my failed performance without the self-depreciation and the self-defeating emotional misery it produces.”
The Bottom-line: Poor performances never prove you are or magically make you subhuman. You arbitrarily choose to define yourself this way and this definition is false to the facts. Your poor performances are proof you are a fallible human, a born mistake maker. Choose unconditional self-acceptance to liberate yourself from self-created inferiority.