Shamelessly Facing Aging and Ageism with REBT – June 9, 2025

Happy Birthday to me. I am 65 today! Writing about unconditional self-acceptance and unconditional life acceptance is particularly apt on my Birthday as I age and progress deeper into my sixties. (Click here to view the special video accompanying this blog.)

Although no one is promised life tomorrow, as we age, the likelihood of illness and death increases significantly as the birthdays start to add up. Legendary investor Warren Buffett put it best:

“Father Time always wins. But he can be fickle — indeed unfair and even cruel — sometimes ending life at birth or soon thereafter, while, at other times, waiting a century or so before paying a visit. To date, I’ve been very lucky, but before long, he will get around to me.”

Due to our knowledge of what lies ahead and other factors, we often try to hide our age from ourselves and others. Although we might deny it to ourselves and others, we cannot stop the aging process. No one can. We can slow the process down through sensible measures, such as maintaining a healthy diet, getting adequate sleep, engaging in regular exercise, maintaining friendships and purpose, and abstaining from smoking and excessive alcohol consumption. In the end, as Warren Buffett rightly says, Father Time will catch up to us and ultimately prevail.

Ageism is One of the Last Socially Acceptable Prejudices

Research confirms what we all, to some extent, already know: both in the United States and according to the United Nations, ageism exists worldwide, typically beginning after a person reaches the age of 50. It is often seen as intrusive to ask a person their age as if it is a personal piece of information we should be ashamed of. I was chatting with a young doorman, a very likable fellow, at my office at 71 Park Avenue, and I revealed to him that my 65th Birthday was just a few days away on June 9th. He said, “You look great for your age, but SHHHH…” I retorted, “There was no need to keep this fact a secret. I won’t let anyone define me due to my age and tell me what I can or cannot do. Others may hold my age against me, but I refuse to let their thinking stop me, be troubled by their value system, fears, and biases. Every young person who is currently in full bloom in their life will sooner or later age too, if they are fortunate. What is the alternative to aging, dying young?”

It is true that as you age, there are unwelcome changes. I cannot run marathons as I once did due to an injury because as athletes age, they become increasingly prone to such injuries. Thousands of miles of running over a lifetime of participation in multiple sports and thirteen marathons have resulted in being unable to run for very long without pain. My hair is slowly leaving my head. My eyes require stronger lenses to correct my vision. Oh yes, there are those minor aches I feel in the morning that were absent in my twenties and thirties, not to mention other challenges and losses. All these losses come with a tradeoff. Spoiler alert: REBT philosophy can help you accept losses and leverage tradeoffs.

Acknowledge Both the Advantages and Disadvantages of Aging

With the passing years and functional losses and changes, experience, and wisdom also become available to us if we think with an open mind and hold sensible attitudes. As a result of living to my sixty-fifth Birthday, I use better judgment than I once did. For the past 35 years, I no longer waste time and money doing things that now seem stupid and are self-harming to do, like smoking cannabis and tobacco, drinking with my mates till the wee hours of the morning, and procrastinating, to name a few. I am more disciplined and better able to strike a balance between calculated risk-taking and avoiding the foolhardy risks I once took. I upset myself over things far less than I once did, seeing now more clearly that things never have to be as I want them to be. I pick my battles far better and have greater tolerance for others. I have greater clarity about what is important to me and greater discipline to pursue those things. I am far less troubled by the loss of social approval and am better able to ask for and pursue what I want with unconditional self-acceptance. I am clearer about what my life’s mission is. I have a higher frustration tolerance, and in sum, I am less prone to anger, depression, shame, and anxiety than I once was.

I now use the ABC framework of REBT automatically and accept myself when I misbehave or upset myself. Then I look for one of the three main unhealthy attitudes which are at the core of emotional and behavioral disturbance:

1. I must perform perfectly and possess all the desirable characteristics I want to have.
2. You must treat me nicely.
3. Life must be easy, fair, and predictable.

What I Refuse to Think at My Age

As applied to aging and the ageism I may encounter, I refuse to think in this self-defeating way:

1. I must perform perfectly well, not grow old, and avoid experiencing bodily changes and loss of function.
2. I must not face the hassles of going to medical appointments to check on or treat the maladies that come upon me as I age.
3. You must not be biased against me because I am sixty-five and significantly older than you.
4. Life must be easy, fair, and predictable, and it must provide me with good health year after year, with minimal or, better yet, no loss of function.
5. I am a lesser person because I am no longer as young, beautiful, and strong as I once was.
6. I must not have to face death.

What I Elect to Think at My Age

Using the philosophy that flows from the theory of REBT, I create emotional health and creative problem-solving for the hassles, problems, and losses of aging and ageism by cultivating and maintaining through practice healthy attitudes such as:

1. As I age, I will strive to control and influence what I can. I will remain responsible for what is within my domain of influence and not waste time trying to control things that lie outside of my domain of control or influence.
2. I want to perform perfectly well and not experience the physical changes and loss of function that come with aging, but unfortunately, this will occur slowly despite my best efforts. Too bad. Aging is the way it is supposed to be because nature intended it to be that way, and I will choose to accept that I can not have what I once had in the way of youthful looks and bodily function. I do not have to have these things. I will also be open to the tradeoffs that come with life experience and count my blessings.
3. I do not want to face the hassles of going to medical appointments to check on or treat the maladies that come upon me as I age. Still, if and when they do, I will acknowledge them and not compound my hassles by holding the attitude that these challenges must not occur. Too bad life is spelled H-A-S-S-L-E for both the young and the old. It is only the nature of the hassles that arise that change as all people throughout their lifespan face problems. I will not look at my youth through rose-colored glasses. I will steadfastly avoid demanding that life be hassle-free, thereby preventing the multiplication of my hassles. Demandingness, that is, a rigid and idealistic attitude towards life, will lead to both emotional and practical problems.
4. I wish younger people and society at large were not, in some instances, biased against me because I have lived for sixty-five years, but sadly, I will face such discrimination. When I do face such rejection or slights, I will choose not to anger myself or devalue myself for being treated poorly or excluded due to my age. I will remind myself that I will not let another person define me as lesser of a person based on age, hair loss, wrinkles, or functional impairment. I will not allow another person to dictate what I can or cannot attempt to do. I will continue to take calculated risks and use my precious time to pursue what I want rather than being troubled by the barriers others place before me due to their value system regarding aging or their prejudice or fears of getting older.
5. I wish that life were easy, fair, and predictable, providing me with good health year after year, with minimal or, better yet, no loss of function. However, the advantages of perpetual youth do not have to persist. Too bad.
6. It is unfortunate to age and face the challenges that accompany it, but not awful. It would have been far worse to have become incapacitated by one of the stupid things I did as a younger person and not to have enjoyed the good times and achievements I have managed to have. I have dodged a few bullets, and I am grateful for that; I will use the wisdom that has come with this good fortune.
7. It will become harder to face life as I age, but not unbearable. I can bear the changes that are occurring and put in the effort to deal with them constructively. It is worth doing because if I do not maintain a healthy attitude of tolerance for myself, the bias of others, and the challenges of life as I age, I will only multiply my problems and squander the opportunities I do have. I can still laugh, smile, and have good times if I strive to live with purpose and do so with flexible and non-extreme attitudes.
8. I am not a lesser person because I am no longer as young, beautiful, and strong as I once was. I will do what I can to maintain my finer qualities as I age, but in the end, the changes reflect that I am an imperfect human, not a lesser one. I will choose to accept myself, wrinkles and all.
9. When Father Time catches up with me, I will not awfulize or complain about the pain, inconvenience, and loss that he will bring with him. I will remain firm in my commitment to have a healthy attitude until the day I take my last breath and approach death with the same sense of curiosity I have taken to life.

Final Remarks on Aging and Ageism

With the use of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), you too can cultivate unconditional self, other, and life acceptance, which will help you face the challenges of growing older and leverage the benefits as well. Happy Birthday to me!

A Thought Experiment to Keep Aging in Perspective

Look around at the younger people in the bloom of their lives. Find one that catches your eye, and picture them when they are eighty years old. Now, look around and find someone who is between 65 and 95 years old. Picture what they looked like when they were at a much younger time in their life.

This photo was taken in 1975, when I was 15, at William Penn Charter School.