“The future doesn’t belong to the fainthearted; it belongs to the brave.” – Ronald Reagan
Life is full of awkward moments. I am referring to that exact moment when you have the chance to say or do what you want or retreat into your comfort zone. It strikes me as a common problem that many people have difficulty directing themselves during an awkward moment. Rare is the individual who can politely, firmly, and with a deep and genuine sense of self-acceptance say and do what they want at the awkward moment. Bear in mind, I am referring to those awkward moments when it is in our best interest to say or do what we want, and in so doing, we are using good judgment regarding the future gains of saying or doing what we want.
Dr. Albert Ellis originated Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). He was a person who was able to speak his mind without hesitation. His rational psychotherapy aimed to help those who wanted to liberate themselves from the shackles of shame, guilt, and anxiety. He modeled such shameless living and recommended that patients do a particular type of behavioral homework assignment, which came to be known as shame attacks. Shame attacks are premeditated actions a person could take, which would likely cause disapproval from others. These actions were never illegal and never dangerous for anyone involved. Equally important to note is that these exercises never infringed upon the rights of anyone witnessing them. The goal of doing shame attacks is to help people get out of their comfort zone and risk social disapproval and desensitize themselves to such disapproval. Shame attacking exercises can be practical or impractical. Ellis generally recommended humorous shame attacks like announcing the subway stops in a loud voice while riding on a New York City subway. Practical shame attacks might include not leaving a tip for a waiter who delivers inadequate service while dining in a restaurant. Ellis sometimes referred to people as “love slobs” when they were inordinately accommodating to other people to win or maintain the approval of significant others in their lives. He advocated that we cultivate the capacity to put ourselves first both shamelessly and guiltlessly while putting others a close second, not a distant second. He wanted to help the patient develop genuine unconditional self-acceptance that would liberate the patient to live life to the fullest in the long run by maximizing their pleasure while minimizing their pain. To help achieve this end, he would also be careful not to be overly warm with his patients in therapy and argued excessive warmth from the psychotherapist would strengthen a patient’s need for approval and conditional self-acceptance.
Below is a list of just a few of life’s awkward moments and associated irrational attitudes that will undermine a person’s effort to say or do what they want to do during the awkward moment:
1. Awkward Moment: At the end of a job interview, you ask for the job by saying, “I truly want this job and will not disappoint you.”
Avoidant Attitude: “I must not boast of my talents and promote myself. It is unbearable to make such a forthright statement.”
2. Awkward Moment: During a meeting with your supervisor, you calmly say, “I would like a raise, and here is why I think I deserve one.”
Avoidant Attitude: “I must not risk rejection. It is too uncomfortable to ask for raise and point out the reasons why I believe a raise is warranted.”
3. Awkward Moment: While shopping and about to make a purchase, you ask for a lower price.
Avoidant Attitude: “The shopkeeper will probably say no. It is too uncomfortable to ask for a better price.”
4. Awkward Moment:The moment you make yourself vulnerable and ask someone out for a date knowing full well, she may reject you.
Avoidant Attitude: “I am not good enough for them. She must not reject me. It is unbearable to get shot down for a date.”
5. Awkward Moment: Telling a person who possesses a strong personality “No” rather than go along with their wishes.
Avoidant Attitude: “It is too hard to resist the pressure and persuasion I feel from this person. I cannot bear to pushback against their wishes.”
6. Awkward Moment: Asking a question during a lecture and hesitating because people may think it is stupid to ask this question.
Avoidant Attitude: “I must not be seen by the professor and my peers in a negative light. They must not think I am asking a stupid question. I need their approval.”
7. Awkward Moment: The moment you are about to stand up for something important to you, knowing you may face disapproval from significant others.
Avoidant Attitude: “I must not challenge authority and stand up for what I believe. I cannot bear the stress of doing this.”
8. Awkward Moment: The moment you are about to discuss an uncomfortable subject with your physician.
Avoidant Attitude: “My doctor will think I am weird for talking about these symptoms and asking these questions. I cannot bear to hold this discussion.”
9. Awkward Moment: During a meeting with someone you supervise, you inform them you are not pleased with their performance.
Avoidant Attitude: “I must not hurt their feelings by giving them honest feedback on how they are falling short of my expectations.”
10. Awkward Moment:Before, during, or after sex, you could discuss what you like or do not like.
Avoidant Attitude: “Talking about sex is too uncomfortable. I cannot bear this discussion.”
11. Awkward Moment:Telling your child that you cannot give them something they may want badly but which you cannot afford while wishing you could give it to them.
Avoidant Attitude: “I must not disappoint my child. It makes me lesser of a person that I cannot provide for them in this way.”
12. Awkward Moment:You are interrupting someone who is in a hurry and ask them for directions.
Avoidant Attitude: “I must not annoy strangers. I need their approval. I cannot bear their disapproval and impatience.”
In each of these awkward moments, you will back off of the opportunity and fail to say and do what you want if you have not cultivated rational ideas for self-direction and the necessary tolerance for the associated discomfort. REBT theory suggests that during the awkward moment, a healthy feeling of concern will enable you to say or do what you want, while unhealthy negative emotions like shame and embarrassment, anxiety, or guilt will cause you to retreat from the awkward moment.
Each of these encounters is an opportunity to attack one’s shame, embarrassment, anxiety, or guilt. Suppose you want to develop the confidence to self-direct during the awkward moment in any social situation. The therapeutic process you would have to practice would be:
1. Be on the lookout for the awkward moment and seize it as an opportunity to grow as a person by doing what you want and saying what you want. This, of course, assumes that there are advantages to you in the long run of saying and doing what you wish which outweigh any costs to you. If this is not the case, it is not worth saying or doing what you want, and instead, it is rational to restrain yourself at this tempting moment. In this instance, tolerate the discomfort of not yielding to the urge to act in a self-defeating way.
2. Commit yourself that you will take a calculated risk and get out of your comfort zone and risk disproval or rejection to develop the capability to be your own person and act in a self-directed way in the challenging, awkward moment.
3. Identify your rigid, self-defeating attitudes. In REBT, we refer to these attitudes as rigid demands or demandingness. Reflect and determine if you are demanding approval or comfort? Or is my demand expressed negatively as something I must not face, such as “I must not have people think poorly of me or be annoyed with me?
4. Identify your secondary derivative attitude:
a) Disapproval is awful.
b) Rejection at the awkward moment is unbearable.
c) I am lesser of a person for experiencing this person’s objection or negative thinking about me or my behavior.
5. Argue against these self-limiting attitudes by asking two questions:
a) Does my attitude help me or hinder me in the awkward moment? If it hinders me, what would be an attitude I can hold to not retreat during the awkward moment and say or do what I want?
b) Is my attitude consistent with the facts? If it is not compatible with the facts, what attitude would be true to the facts and help me not retreat during the awkward moment?
6. Practice these attitudes in imagery. Rehearsal of the awkward moment prepares you for self-direction:
7. Imagine an awkward moment that you would like not to retreat in and think about what you would like to say or do at that moment.
8. Experience as you imagine that awkward moment the shame, anxiety, or guilt that could hold you back from saying or doing what you want to say or do.
9. Imagine the awkward moment and practice the rational attitude that will free you to say or do what you want to say or do in that awkward moment. Feel appropriate concern for the reactions of another person or group of people but think in a way that frees you to do and say what you want while bearing the awkward moment.
10. Practice in reality doing what is uncomfortable. Do shame attacking exercises regularly-risk social disapproval. You can do this either in a practical way like asking a shopkeeper for a better price or doing something silly and impractical which might meet with social disapproval. Be sure to do nothing that threatens your safety or someone else’s safety. Be sure to do nothing illegal or dangerous. The video below demonstrates one of my shame attacks.
11. Keep practicing your shame attacks. Remember that fallible humans easily backslide into old avoidance patterns. Therefore, you will have to continue to maintain unconditional self-acceptance and tolerance for social disapproval to say and do what you want when it is worth doing given your goals and values. Emotional liberation requires ongoing work and practice as we easily slip back into self-limiting avoidance-producing attitudes. Keep doing shame attacks from time to time to remain psychologically fit and unconditionally self-accepting.
In summary, the way to master the awkward moment is to have healthy attitudes and live in harmony with those attitudes by regularly putting them into action in your life. Those healthy attitudes include:
a) I want the approval and acceptance of other people who are important to me in a given situation but do not absolutely need it.
b) If other people reject me, it is far from the end of the world, even if it has practical consequences I do not like.
c) When I experience the awkward moment of life and think of something worth doing or saying, I will acknowledge that it is uncomfortable and unbearable to do what I want or say what I want. I will choose to tolerate this discomfort because it is worth it to me to do so. I will not rationalize and say it is not worth it when it is worth doing or saying what I want despite the awkward moment.
d) I never need the acceptance of others to accept myself. If others disapprove of what I said or have done, I will never rate my total self. I do not need other people’s acceptance to accept myself. I will respect their rights, but at the same time, I will respect my right to say and do what I want even if it might be disapproved of by others. As long as what I am doing is not harmful to others, myself, or illegal and I am willing to face any consequences like funny looks or rejection, I will proceed with what I want to say or do.
e) I can make myself do what I want and say what I want if I work at it. I do not have to avoid awkward moments. I can act bravely and self-determinedly, even if it is tough for me to do. Practice makes better!
“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
A.A. Milne
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