In 1956 Albert Ellis gave an important address at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association. In this seminal address, he outlined twelve ideas that cause emotional disturbance and human misery. Until this time, Freud’s approach, and certain variants of orthodox Freudian theory, dominated psychotherapy. Ellis introduced a new paradigm that was to usher in what we now know as cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).
In the next twelve Intermittent Reinforcement email messages, I will quote these twelve ideas one at a time and show how these ideas from 1956 are still relevant today and, if corrected, can help you experience a healthier emotional life.
Idea #1: “The idea that it is a dire necessity for an adult to be loved by everyone for everything he does – instead of concentrating on his self-respect, on winning approval for necessary purposes (such as job advancement), and on loving instead of being loved.”
This idea from 1956 applies today as it is not uncommon for my patients to report anxiety due to their fear of losing the approval of peers, colleagues, supervisors, neighbors, family, or friends. Modern REBT theory posits that rigid ideas lie at the core of emotional disturbance. Once created by a rigid idea our emotional disturbance is also facilitated by extreme ideas. People create anxiety for themselves by holding the rigid notion that they “must have the approval of others,” and it is “awful, terrible, and horrible” if they lose this approval or fail to gain it. Evaluating the loss of approval as “awful” is an extreme rating about something that is bad. Rating something bad in an extreme way contributes to the emotional upset born by the core rigid idea.
In REBT today, we encourage you to experience a healthy negative feeling of concern for the possible loss of approval simply because having the approval of significant others is often tied to practical benefits that we want and desire, but never absolutely need. I tell my patients to seek approval for healthy reasons, not self-defeating emotional reasons. A rational alternative to the rigid extreme thinking mentioned above is “I want the approval of my supervisor so that she assigns me interesting projects and a higher salary, but I do not need that approval and these practical benefits to accept myself. I want those benefits as they will make my life more comfortable, but with or without them, I can survive. If I do not attain these benefits this is bad, but not awful, terrible or the end of the world.”
Consider the advantages of this attitude. This attitude will help you work hard, remain a team player when it might be otherwise difficult to do, and prioritize work above other personal goals in a sensible way. It will motivate you to get out of your comfort zone to learn new skills to make you more valuable to your supervisor as a worker. You will be motivated by the practical gain of standing in good favor with your supervisor. You will not only get ahead at work but may not be left behind during a period of downsizing due to economic pressures on the organization to reduce costs.
However, if you hold the attitude, “I must have the approval of my supervisor,” you will be anxious, and this may undermine your practical goals. With your anxiety, you will be more vulnerable to passive behavior and open to exploitation. You may not be able to appropriately assert yourself when doing so is important to you. With an unhealthy need for approval you may too often put the organization first, and you and your family a distant second. This strategy may work in the short run, but it is likely to backfire in the long run. It may lead you to feel anger and resentment if it contributes to being taken for granted and not being sufficiently valued by the organization in the long run. You may even fail to get ahead at work because you are unwilling to take calculated risks for fear of loss of approval. You will be less inclined to get out of your comfort zone by taking on more challenging projects and attempting to learn difficult skills that may ultimately lead to advancement.
Anyone who knew Al Ellis can attest that he was not one to fear disapproval. In 1956 when he presented his iconoclastic views, some mental health practitioners thought he would “hurt” patients by his realistic, straight-talking form of Rational Therapy. Today some 64 years later, Ellis’s ideas may seem like commonsense. Today we speak of teaching people to advocate for themselves, assert themselves, and seek fair treatment. REBT was ahead of its time in 1956 and remains highly relevant today. I hope this email helps you appreciate that REBT is a philosophy of emotional liberation. I hope you come to see that REBT’s flexible attitude towards approval will help you to seek it only for practical gain while never being motivated to seek approval for neurotic emotional gain.