At the core of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy’s theory of emotional disturbance is the concept of rigidity. Albert Ellis argued that we disturb ourselves when we hold rigid and extreme attitudes towards ourselves, others, and life conditions. From these rigid attitudes come extreme secondary attitudes that add to but do not lie at the core of our emotional disturbance. These extreme attitudes include unbearability (extreme ratings of uncomfortable situations and\or our internal reaction to those uncomfortable situations), awfulizing (an extreme rating of a bad event), and depreciation of self, others, or life due to a negative part or parts of the total entity.
Could he be right that rigid attitudes lie at the core of emotional disturbance? Is it really that simple? To put it another way, does emotional well-being and adapting well to life’s adversity lie with flexible attitudes?
Excluding those instances when we are emotionally disturbed due to biological reasons (postpartum depression, endogenous depression, bipolar depression, psychosis), Ellis seems to present a very plausible hypothesis. We often come across other people and circumstances in life that thwart our wishes to obtain what we want. We do not typically think at these difficult moments, “Oh well, I wish that this adversity had not happened. What can you do, this is life?” More commonly, we hear people hold the attitude, “That is not the way it is supposed to be. That is not the way it absolutely should be. That is not how I must be treated!” This more common proclamation sounds rather rigid to me.
According to REBT theory, at the core of emotional disturbance lie three general rigid attitudes:
1. I must be a certain way (thin, intelligent, athletic, attractive, young, wealthy, healthy) or must be able to do important things perfectly well.
2. You must treat me precisely as I want you to treat me (fairly, warmly, supportively, respectfully, kindly).
3. Life must be as I want it to be (easy, comfortable, fair, predictable, safe).
When a matter is important to us, it is almost effortless for a human to think about it in a rigid way. We feel a strong negative emotion towards anything or anybody who stands in the way of our strongly held desire. We hold a strong bias towards our position. Our stance is uncompromising. We have a great deal of difficulty adopting the following flexible attitudes towards these critical matters:
1. I want to be a certain way (thin, intelligent, athletic, attractive, young, wealthy, healthy) or do important things perfectly well. Sadly, this is not how it is for me right now. I never absolutely have to be a particular way or be capable of doing important things perfectly well.
2. I would like you to treat me precisely as I want you to treat me (fairly, warmly, supportively, respectfully, kindly), but sadly you do not have to do so. The universe does not compel you to cooperate with me. You are independent and have a degree of free will and will act upon that will as you see fit, not as I see fit. Too bad for me.
3. I wish life would be as I want it to be (easy, comfortable, fair, predictable, safe), but unfortunately, that is not the case, and it does not have to be this ideal way. I wish life were the utopia I would like it to be but unfortunately it does not have to be.
I once asked Ellis what was the weakest part of REBT? He answered, “It is perfectly logical. The trouble is that some people have great difficulty using it.” That is where I come in as your teacher. I hope to help you adopt this liberating philosophy. I challenge you to consider three questions the next time you are upset. Those questions are:
1. Is it possible for me to be holding a flexible attitude towards this adversity and still be so upset (angry, depressed, guilty, shameful, hurt, envious, jealous, anxious)? Do I merely want what I want or am I holding a rigid stance towards this important matter? Can I be this upset if I were merely holding a flexible attitude towards this critical matter?
2. What is keeping me from letting go of my rigid attitude towards what I want? What keeps me from implementing the idea that I do not have to have what I want?
3. How would I be better off if I adopted a flexible attitude towards what I deem so absolutely important?
When you give up rigidity, you come to accept what you do not like or cannot have. You acknowledge things as they currently are and accept their current existence. You gain a modicum of leverage through acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that you do not try to change the way things currently are or not try to prevent certain threats to your important interests from occurring in the future. You cannot hold a rigid idea and accept something at the same time. It is impossible to think “I have to have my way” and also think “I accept reality as it currently is.” These are contradictory ways of thinking. What you can do is to think, “I want to have my way, but reality does not have to be as I want it to be. I will accept it in so far as I acknowledge that reality is not as I want it to be, and I will try to change what I can change.” When you choose to adopt this flexible mindset, you adapt to reality. You adjust. You function better despite your negative feelings of disappointment or concern. You still have a negative feeling (disappointment, sadness, displeasure, annoyance or concern), but you are not in a disturbed emotional state. You tend not to ruminate. Fallible humans do not readily adapt to reality when the matter is crucial to us. We resist, whine, moan, groan and cry. We do almost anything but think, “Oh well, that is life. You cannot always get what you want. That is how it goes. Too bad.”
I challenge you to acknowledge your rigidity and chip away at it. REBT is perfectly logical but is very challenging to implement. When confronted with an unfulfilled desire that is exceptionally important and cherished, that is when you will earn the greatest reward for doing what is difficult and adopting a flexible attitude towards your adversity. I dare you to adopt a flexible attitude towards your most important goals. See how well it can work for you!
Note: On Saturdays, I hold a free Zoom conversation hour where I take a volunteer and discuss one of their problems. If you have an emotional problem you would like to discuss with me, perhaps you will volunteer and I will show you how to think in a more effective way about your problem. I will show you the rigid and extreme attitudes that are leading to your self-defeating emotions and holding you back from achieving your goals.
This Zoom meeting place every Saturday at the following times:
Philadelphia (USA – Pennsylvania) Saturdays at 9:00:00 am EDT UTC-4 hours
London (United Kingdom – England) Saturdays at 2:00:00 pm BST UTC+1 hour
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Tokyo (Japan) Saturdays at 10:00:00 pm JST UTC+9 hours
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Corresponding UTC (GMT) Saturdays at 13:00:00
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