Think for Yourself – Dr. Walter J. Matweychuk
A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.
– Oscar Wilde
In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people to identify self-defeating rigid and extreme attitudes that lead to self-defeating feelings and behaviors. In general, here are three such attitudes:
- I must act perfectly well and display competency at all times. If I fail to do this, it proves I am lesser as a person or a worthless person.
- You must keep me comfortable and treat me nicely. If you do not, it is awful and unbearable. If you do not, it proves you are a bad and worthless person.
- The conditions of life must be comfortable, and as I want them to be. If they are not, it awful and unbearable. It proves life is completely bad.
When experiencing emotional upset, people will tend to hold self-defeating attitudes that fall into one of the above three general categories. First, acknowledge your counterproductive behavior. Then look for your “must” or “absolute should” that gives rise to your self-defeating reaction. Then commit to changing this reaction.
As an REBT psychologist, I teach people how to challenge their rigid and extreme attitudes. REBT practitioners refer to this process as disputing. In REBT, I show you how to learn to argue against your rigid “must” and associated extreme attitudes in order to see how they are not consistent with the available evidence. Another way of saying this is to see that an absolute, rigid “must” is false to the facts. I also teach people how to spot the illogical aspects of your core “must.” Lastly and perhaps most importantly, I help you to appreciate how a rigid and extreme attitude will not lead to healthy responding to the adversities you encounter in the real world.
REBT shows you how to dispute long held rigid and extreme attitudes you have that lead you to disturb yourself and defeat your own ends. In disputing your rigid and extreme attitudes which undermine your most cherished goals and values, REBT is teaching you how to think for yourself and to think about the quality of your thinking and then to go for what you really want in life.
Take, for example, a commonly held rigid and extreme attitude that lies at the heart of social anxiety and shame and then leads to unassertive behavior. This attitude is “I (absolutely) need the approval of significant others for emotional reasons beyond the practical reasons such approval would get me. If I do not receive this needed emotional approval, it is awful and unbearable. It may even prove I am lesser as a person for not having this external approval from significant others.” If you think for yourself and carefully examine the available evidence, there is no evidence that you need emotional approval from anyone in your life. There is clear evidence that you want different people’s approval and that you do so because there are practical advantages when you gain their approval. However, beyond the practical benefits of earning approval, there is no emotional necessity to obtain either the person’s approval or those practical advantages tied to getting a person’s approval. When you think for yourself and stop automatically assuming your rigid attitude is correct, you will see that it is false. You can then more easily see that a healthier attitude would be:
“There are practical advantages of earning this person’s approval. This why I strongly want their approval, but this does not mean I need their approval and the associated advantages in an absolute sense.”
Earlier I pointed out that rigid attitudes are illogical. They are illogical because they are a false conclusion from a flexible premise. The premise is what you want. In the case we have been discussing, the flexible premise is “I strongly want the approval of this particular person and the associated benefits.” However, the illogic arises when we attach a rigid attitude to the flexible preference and conclude we must have what we want. We jump from “I want approval and the associated practical benefits of their approval” to “therefore, I must have this approval and the associated benefits.” This magical jump is an example of illogical conclusions that all humans are at risk of making when we are frustrated in the pursuit of our goals and desires.
There is one additional point I would like to make before concluding. Rigid attitudes tend not to work very well in the real world. An absolute need for approval tends to lead a person to feel anxious, shameful, and display passive behavior instead of allowing one to assert their thoughts and feelings respectfully. When a person thinks about the way they function when they hold rigid musts, instead of flexible preferences, it becomes clear that they tend to display self-defeating emotions that underpin counterproductive behavior. Flexible attitudes work in the real world to help you adapt to reality. At the same time, rigid views tend to lead to self-defeating reactions in the real world when the hand of fate or other people frustrate you in the pursuit of your goals.
I argue that REBT teaches you how to think for yourself. It allows you to live a self-directed life and to do what you want, not what the world wants you to do. It liberates you from the shame and anxiety that holds you back in life from leading the life you wish. Please note that we live in a social world, and therefore, all our actions will have consequences. That means that even though you do not need people’s approval, one practical reason to gain it is that there are consequences you wish to avoid. The best demonstration of this is law-abiding behavior. When you choose to drive recklessly, you could be pulled over by a police officer for your failure to live by the laws of society. So although you may not need the approval of those in your particular community, there is a very good reason to earn that approval and abide by the law because there are significant negative consequences you wish to avoid. Be sure not to misuse the principles of REBT. In REBT, we hold you accountable for the attitudes you choose to live by, as well as the feelings and behaviors that follow from your attitudes. Think for yourself, reason logically, and hold flexible attitudes. Always remember you are responsible for your actions. Never forget you do not have to have what you strongly desire. Now go and think for yourself!
Summary:
- Rigid attitudes lie at the core of emotional disturbance.
- Flexible wishes are sensible alternatives to rigid attitudes.
- Disputing rigid attitudes helps you relinquish these self-defeating attitudes.
- Seek approval for the practical benefits of approval.
- Use REBT responsibly and acknowledge you are responsible for your behaviors.
- Acknowledge you never absolutely need what you want regardless of how much you want it.
- Practical benefits of approval are what is healthy to seek, not the emotional benefits of approval.
- Think for yourself.
