Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), we emphasize the power of choice, personal In responsibility, and acceptance. REBT’s roots lie in philosophy, and over the years, one simple idea that has managed to survive is to change what you can change and accept what you cannot. I find myself going back to this simple prescription every day, both in my work with patients and personal life. Change what you can change. What is that we can change?
What we can reliably change is our attitudes, our feelings, our behavioral reactions. What is that we cannot change? We cannot change other people and much of life and what happens in life.
When people consult me, they often tell me how other people in their lives are misbehaving or blocking them somehow. If they are not speaking of other people, they complain to me about the state of the world and how it is not as it ideally should be.
As an REBT psychologist, I try to show people that the best way to make it through the difficult situations of life is to determine what can be changed in a given situation and accept what cannot be changed. What blocks people from doing this are the rigid and extreme attitudes they hold about the challenging problems they face. When a person has a rigid attitude, they will not accept what they cannot change. With a rigid attitude, the person is limited to attempting to change other people or change circumstances to overcome what adversity they were facing. Unfortunately, changing other people is very difficult, if not impossible, to do. There are many circumstances in life that either cannot be changed or may be very slow to change when we exert effort to change them.
Many people will politely agree with me. They will tell me that it makes sense that we cannot change other people and that there are things about life we also cannot do much about. However, implementing this simple strategy is far more challenging than agreeing that it makes sense. I do not have any simple answers to how a person can learn to implement this effective strategy. I tell people to challenge their idealistic attitudes that others absolutely should behave differently and that life absolutely should be different than it is. In sessions, they will allow me to question their rigid and extreme attitudes, but they fail to do this on their own. People too often resist writing down their rigid attitudes and asking a few simple questions:
- Is my absolute should helping me to cope with this person or this difficult situation I find myself facing?
- How is my rigid “must” hurting me?
- What evidence is there that my “have to” attitude is true?
- If I cannot find evidence that things must be, have to be different than they are, what does that suggest?
- How would I profit if I gave up my rigid attitude and merely kept it at the level of a wish, a preference, a desire?
- If I take my rigid attitude and transform it into a wish, is there evidence to support my desire?
- What objections, doubts, and reservations do I have to relinquish my rigid and extreme attitudes towards myself, others, and life and adopt flexible and non-extreme attitudes instead?
There are a few people who follow my recommendations. They search for and question their rigid and extreme attitudes. These are the ones who end up changing what they can change and experiencing significant personal growth. Our attitudes are of our choosing. Our rigid and extreme attitudes can be changed, and when we do change our attitudes, we are in a better position to accept what we cannot change.
If you want to make life easier to get through, take to heart the message of this email. Always search to change what you can change and accept what you cannot. Begin with your attitudes. You have the power to think about your attitudes. Look for your musts, look for your absolute shoulds, and absolute have to’s. You can reflect on if your attitudes are doing you any good or leading to emotional and behavioral problems. You also can look at the evidence that either supports or refutes your attitudes. Finally, you can examine your “yes, buts…” that block you from adopting a healthier attitude leading you to change how your feel and react in the face of adversity.
REBT is something of old-school therapy. It pushes you to reason and to see you can push yourself. REBT encourages you to hold yourself responsible for your self-defeating reactions. It emphasizes choice. It calls you out on the human tendency to blame other people and society for your emotional and behavioral problems. Keep working on this simple prescription. REBT is simple to understand but quite challenging to practice consistently. Change what you can change and accept what you cannot.