Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy is a powerful philosophy of life and psychotherapy. Practicing REBT philosophy frees the individual from the self-imposed emotional upset humans create when facing life’s challenges. In REBT, we teach that it is healthy to experience negative emotions like sorrow, disappointment, annoyance, and concern but that despair, shame, anger, and anxiety are unhealthy negative emotions that follow from rigid and extreme thinking about the adversities we encounter. Ellis described REBT as an amalgamation of ancient and modern philosophy. Many people know that REBT overlaps with the ancient Hellenistic philosophies of Stoicism and Epicureanism. However, in many ways, REBT also overlaps with Zen Buddhism. The following koan has important teaching that all of us would be well advised to bear in mind as we journey through our lives.
Once there was a poor old man whose only possession was a white horse. For years his fellow villagers advised him to sell this horse and make a lot of money. But the old man refused. “The horse is part of my family, and you don’t sell your family,” was his regular answer. One night the horse disappeared, and the people said: “You shouldn’t have been so stupid not to have sold the animal. Now you have nothing left. A bigger misfortune could not have happened to you”. The old man smiled and said: “Who knows whether it’s a misfortune or not. The only thing I know is that the horse is gone.” A few weeks later, the horse returned to the stable and brought 12 other wild horses with him. Apparently, he went to look for other horses and found his way back. The villagers said: “Old man, you’re right, it was not a misfortune at all, but a great fortune that the animal broke out. Now you are a wealthy man”. But the old man smiled and replied: “Who knows whether this is a fortune or a misfortune. The only thing I know is that the horse returned with 12 other horses”. In the following weeks, the old man’s son tried to tame the wild horses, fell from a stallion, and broke his legs. The villagers said: “Indeed, it wasn’t such a good fortune that your horse brought all those other horses to you. You are completely right. Now your son is an invalid, and a bigger misfortune could not have happened to you”. The old man smiled and countered: “When will you stop at last pretending as if you know what tomorrow will bring? The only thing I know is that today misfortune has befallen me, but that is all I know”. A few months passed, a war broke out, and all the village’s young men had to serve in the army. No one returned to the village alive. And what did the villagers say to the old man when they met him…?
As the koan demonstrates, life is full of surprises, and none of us knows what lies just around the bend. REBT and Zen both advocate that we avoid self-defeating emotional upset by facing adversity with a healthy attitude. Healthy attitudes are flexible and non-extreme evaluations of reality. Instead of thinking, “This misfortune must not be mine to bear,” it would be better to hold the healthy attitude that the particular “reality” appears bad. In addition, to bear misfortune well, one needs to remember that such things happen, that they are part of life, that we can transcend them, and in the end, may not be quite the way they initially appear. Healthy attitudes enable us to be open to the possibility that what looks bad may not be and to be open to the relative world of Yin Yang experiences instead of all-or-nothing thinking. Ellis referred to “shouldism” or “musturbation” as rigid attitudes that people easily adopt toward adversity. Such rigid attitudes are allied with dichotomous reasoning. This dualistic way of dividing the world may have some advantages as life is made simpler and order is imposed upon chaos. However, humans can quickly get stuck in dualistic thinking, which renders us unsane and less able to cope with reality as it is and changes. We fail to see the middle ground. This simple categorizing of ourselves, others, and life as good or bad, friend or enemy, perfect or imperfect, saint or sinner, is likely baked into our nature as fallible humans. Fortunately, we can think about our thinking, what is also called meta-cognition, and not believe in the existence of dichotomies. We can take a step back and acknowledge that our minds have created such dualistic categories. We can move from the world of perfection, utopias, and false dichotomies to thinking in relative terms and along a continuum. Ellis said, “…if one would be allowed to describe the message of REBT’s major philosophy of life and therapy in only one word, that word is relativism.”
Summary and Conclusion
Humans are prone to crooked thinking of different kinds. One such kind is false dichotomies. When we think that adversities must not occur, we are apt to conclude that they are awful and that no good can come from misfortune. This rigid and extreme thinking undermines our ability to cope with life. These unrealistic attitudes often lead us to overlook the possibility that good can come from a relatively bad experience. Furthermore, we are less likely to abstract something of value from a bad experience. By demanding that certain challenges must not occur, we experience unhealthy negative emotions and render ourselves unsane. Instead, acknowledge events that presently appear “unfortunate” and keep a healthy wish or desire that they had not occur but be willing to tolerate them. This stance will make you feel healthily disappointed, sad, annoyed, or concerned. Discipline your mind to avoid demanding that life be better or different than it is and then work on changing what you can change. In this way, you are likely to handle what lies around the bend in life and be open to the relative good that lies within a challenging experience.