We all grow old, except for those who die young. We lose our beauty, our strength, and our speed of thought and memory. We lose the opportunity to take specific paths in life as time goes on. We lose our friends and lovers. We lose so much as we age. Fortunately, we also may have gained a bit of experience in addressing life’s challenges and wisdom. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) can help you cope with the losses and deprivations of aging so that you can still have some degree of happiness while you cope with the myriad of changes that come over your body, mind, and life. I have remained loyal to REBT philosophy for over thirty years because of the premise that lies at its foundation that we can always have some degree of happiness even when the adversity we encounter is very challenging. I like the idea that I am not trapped even when it might seem the situation is inescapable. REBT provides emotional solutions when life begins to close in on us. We cannot change some things, but we can choose our attitudes and thereby change our emotional and behavioral reactions to the unchangeable adversities of life. Aging is undoubtedly one of these adversities.
No one wants to grow old and lose abilities and their youthful looks and strengths. Although no one wants to grow old, some people depress themselves about the challenges of old age. Others are fearful of aging. Let’s take a look at a few of the rigid and extreme attitudes a person might hold that will lead to emotional disturbance, thereby making it more challenging to face the losses and deprivations of aging:
Unhealthy attitude: I must not lose my youthful good looks, physical strength, and mental capacities. It is awful to grow old and see how much my body, mind, and life have changed.
Healthy attitude: I wish I did not change as I age and lose my youthful good looks, physical strength, and mental capacities, but sadly I do. We all do to a greater or lesser extent. I do not absolutely have to retain these desirable characteristics. Although most of these changes are undesirable, things could be worse, and therefore these changes are not awful. To some degree, accumulated life experience offset these changes. I can accept what changes occur to my body, mind, and life in general, even though I wish these changes and losses did not happen. Accepting what I cannot change is the wise path to take in life.
Unhealthy attitude: It is unbearable to deal with the lost opportunities of advancing age. Life is totally bad.
Healthy attitude: It is hard to bear the lost opportunities of advancing age, but it is not unbearable or beyond my ability to accept. I can tolerate not being able to do certain things at this point in the game. It is good for me to discipline my mind to tolerate these lost opportunities, and I am willing to do so. I do not want to lapse into despair. I want to be able to live life well with the opportunities that still exist for me. I can choose to have some happiness despite the lost opportunities that come with advancing age.
Unhealthy attitude: Because of how I have changed, I am a lesser of a person than I once was.
Healthy attitude: Yes, I have changed, but it does not follow I am lesser of a person compared to when I was younger. To conclude, I am lesser is definitional thinking and arbitrary in a very harmful way. The changes are evidence I am an organism in flux. I may not like the changes, but these changes do not make me lesser as a human. My rigid attitude that I absolutely have to be younger will lead me to the illogical conclusion that therefore I am lesser of a human as I age. I will create feelings of depression by reasoning in this unhealthy way. My eyesight may not be adequate for certain activities, but this diminishing characteristic nor any other characteristic represents the whole of me. The aging parts of me do not represent the whole of me. To conclude that a part represents the whole is the logical error of composition, also known as the part-whole error. I may be older but I am not lesser unless I wrongly define myself that way.
Unhealthy attitude: You must respect and welcome me as you do your younger peers. You must not look down on me because I am not of your generation.
Healthy attitude: I wish you would respect and welcome me as you do your younger peers, but sadly you are prejudiced. You do not absolutely have to be fair-minded. You do not have to respect and welcome me as you do your younger peers. I am not of your generation but you may judge me and look down at me, but your judgment does not have to upset me. Only I can upset myself by demanding your love, approval, respect, and acceptance. I want you to accept me as I am but you do not absolutely have to do so. I will choose to unconditionally accept myself whether or not younger people love, approve, respect and accept me.
Unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should not have to face the many physical struggles of daily living that come with advancing age. It is awful to deal with graying hair, balding, diminished eyesight, impaired hearing, incontinence, diminished sex drive and performance, wrinkles, sagging breasts, loss of bone and muscle mass, weight gain, arthritis, and joint pain, changes in sleep patterns, and frequent medical visits to help me to keep going.
Healthy attitude: I wish I did not have to face all the physical struggles of daily living that come with advancing age, but unfortunately, they occur. My body and its functioning do not have to remain unchanged. The maintance requirements of my body will increase. The frustration, loss, and inconvenience associated with these changes are bad, not awful, terrible, or the end of the world. No amount of upsetting myself will change what I see in the mirror. Upsetting myself will make it harder for me to cope with all the physical struggles I face and undermine the happiness that is still possible. I can bear these challenges and will make the most of my life at this age despite them. I am never trapped in life until I think I am trapped. Philosophy can liberate me. There is always REBT.
Unhealthy attitude: I cannot bear taking the medications that typically creep into one’s life as we age. These medications are imperfect, and the side effects are awful.
Healthy attitude: It is inconvenient to take medications that typically creep into one’s life as we age, but taking them is not unbearable. I can bear these imperfect medications with their side effects and acknowledge that they are still worth taking. I am willing to accept the medicines that creep into one’s life with advancing age. Whining about side effects, expenses, and other related costs will not make these things go away. When I was a child, I occasionally took medications, and there is no point in demanding that life not require these types of tools to help me cope with the physical problems associated with advancing age.
Unhealthy attitude: I must not lose my memory and mental functioning.
Healthy attitude: I certainly do not want to outlive my brain and lose my memory and other mental abilities, but if it happens, it happens. Holding the attitude, it must not occur, will not allow me to enjoy my faculties now. The associated anxiety may lead to denial, which will undermine the preparations I need to take now for arranging that I am cared for when I could be unable to take care of myself. I will prepare for the loss of my mental faculties to whatever extent I can and accept what I cannot prepare for or change.
Unhealthy attitude: I must not lose my general health as I age and advance in age.
Healthy attitude: I certainly do not want to lose my health as I age, but advancing age will eventually lead to losing my health. To hold the attitude that I absolutely must not lose my health is false to the facts. Eventually, this will happen. Demanding that it not happen will make me anxious and depressed. It is far better to do what I can now to preserve my health. Walk, eat sensibly, sleep, maintain relationships, keep your mind active, have a mission, and enjoy life. These things will help significantly, but in the end, I am well advised to accept that sooner or later, I will fall ill and die. Death is unfortunate, but unavoidable. I will choose not to disturb myself and enjoy my health while I possess it.
Unhealthy attitude: I must not become dependent on others as I age.
Healthy attitude: I don’t want to become dependent on others as I age, but it is untrue to maintain the position, I absolutely must remain completely independent as I age. I will do what I can to maintain my independence, such as exercise, maintain a healthy body weight, keep my mind active, and set daily goals. It is better to adapt then to trap myself in emotional upset about increasing dependence on others to help in my old age.
Unhealthy attitude: I must not lose my ability to operate a motor vehicle.
Healthy attitude: I do not want to lose my ability to operate a motor vehicle, but if I do, I will accept this loss of freedom. Nothing says I must not lose the ability to drive myself wherever I want to go. I had better accept I live in a social world, and if I were to injure or kill someone because I could not safely control my car, that would be a great injustice to perpetuate. I hope I can continue to drive, but when I give up driving, I will accept this loss as I will accept all other losses that are part of life. It will be very inconvenient to lose my license to drive but not too inconvenient to bear. I can accept giving up my license, and it is worth it because I would not want to harm an innocent pedestrian due to being unable to control my car safely. I am willing to accept this loss for the good of society.
Unhealthy attitude: I must not experience an empty nest as my children develop their own lives and move away from where I live.
Healthy attitude: It is good to think in a fair-minded way. I was not obligated to have children. I had children because my spouse and I wanted them to enrich our lives. With that choice came great responsibility, and I have fulfilled my responsibility over the years. I have cared for and loved my children. I wish things could remain the same, but life evolves and unfolds. My children have now developed their own lives. They will move where they will and do what they want. They have a perfect right to do this. They do not have to remain nearby and care for me. I wish I did not have to cope with an empty nest, but sadly I do and that is the price for the years of joy I had with a nest full of children. It is hard to adjust but not too hard. I can bear learning how to have pleasure despite my children moving out of the house and possibly far away. It is hard but not too hard to make this adaptation to life’s new chapter. It is worth doing because I do not want to be miserable, and I do not wish to neurotically cling to my children and hold them back in life. I am willing to do what it takes to get out of my comfort zone and adapt and have some degree of happiness in this new chapter of my life. If I let go of my children and accept that they have their own lives to lead, they will be more likely to be inclined to visit and spend time with me than if I neurotically cling to them.
Unhealthy attitude: I have to have certainty that I will not outlive my retirement savings.
Healthy attitude: I want to know with certainty that I will not outlive my retirement savings, but I cannot have such assurance. I saved the amount I have saved. My task now is to live within my means and do whatever I can to spend and to continue to grow my money even in retirement. Even in retirement, I have to actively manage my money by wisely investing and managing my tax burden. I will continue to work with my money manager who does not have a conflict of interest and who can help me get the most out of my money, so it lasts. I also do not want to play it too conservative in retirement because I worked hard to earn, save and grow it over the years. If I play retirement too conservatively, too much will be left behind, and I will not have used my money to maximize my pleasure throughout my life. I will spend logically not intuitively. Keep in mind there is no benefit to padding my coffin with the money that remains behind. Spend wisely and enjoy life!
Unhealthy attitude: A policy or industry-standard must not force me to retire and be unable to do the job I love to do.
Healthy attitude: I wish my industry, job, and circumstances did not force me to retire from the job I love, but it has. That is very unfortunate, but it does not absolutely have to be my good fortune to continue to do the job I have loved doing for all these years. I am sad to leave it, but it is time to do so. If I cannot continue in my chosen industry in any capacity, I will accept that I had a great career and it has run its course. Life is full of challenges, and being willing to get out of my comfort zone and find new ways to enjoy life is my challenge. If I demand that life not change, I will not adapt. I will assume I can find other ways to enjoy life if I experiment to find them. Seek, and you shall find and enjoy retirement.
Unhealthy attitude: It is unbearable to face the boredom of having too much time on my hands when I retire.
Healthy attitude: It is unpleasant to experience boredom, but this is not unbearable. I can bear boredom and use my healthy feelings of displeasure to experiment to alleviate my boredom. Get out of your comfort zone and do something. If that does not work, try something else. You do not have to panic yourself or depress yourself about boredom but see that it is worth it to take action to alleviate this experience. Because it robs you of pleasure, it is in your best interest to be willing to experiment to find new ways of enjoying your moment-to-moment experience.
Unhealthy attitude: It is unbearable to lose my spouse and friends and live life without them and the joy they bring me. I cannot bear to say goodbye to these loved ones.
Healthy attitude: It is perhaps one of life’s biggest challenges to lose a spouse or a good friend. I wish the people dear to me would live on forever in good health. Life may not unfold this way, and I can tolerate this sad reality. Thinking that I cannot bear something never enables me to live well with a particular struggle I am facing. I will remind myself that I can tolerate these painful losses and say goodbye to loved ones even though I wish I did not have to face this adversity. This contemplation of their loss is worth doing because it will help me to appreciate them while I still have them in my life. I am willing to bear this struggle and accept the loss of my spouse, friends, and close associates.
Unhealthy attitude: As the end of my life approaches, I must know that I will not suffer as illness sets in and I approach death.
Healthy attitude: As the end of my life approaches, I hope that I will not suffer as illness sets in and I approach death, but unfortunately, this may happen. It would be a utopian world if there were no pain and suffering at the end of life. I can take solace that, in the end, death will alleviate the suffering I might experience. I hope to have good palliative care so that the physical suffering I experience is minimized. As for emotional suffering, I will train myself to change what I can change and accept what I cannot. Practice makes better.
Conclusion: Aging brings many losses and deprivations. No one can prevent aging. What we can prevent is emotional disturbance about aging that will only make coping with aging more difficult. With ongoing practice and rehearsal, you can give up the rigid and extreme attitudes which will underpin emotional disturbance and prevent you from having some happiness despite also facing the deprivations, losses, and inconveniences resulting from the process of aging. REBT is a philosophy of self-responsibility for changing what one can change and accepting what one cannot. Learn it and use it to make the most of all your years!
Below is a lecture by to Dr. Ellis titled “How to Age with Style”