Realism and Acceptance

REBT is a parsimonious philosophy, but as leading REBT psychologist, Dr. Windy Dryden has written, “REBT is simple, but not simplistic.” No concise sentence or paragraph captures the totality of this powerful philosophy. Different ways of explaining REBT can emerge from a deep and accurate understanding of REBT philosophy. Because REBT is parsimonious, it is tempting to summarize REBT in a single sentence, paragraph, or a few core concepts. Any effort to do that probably does an injustice to the whole of REBT. Despite this acknowledgment, I shall attempt to do just that in this piece. Why? Because in so doing, I may help a few people deepen their understanding of REBT. I risk oversimplifying REBT philosophy and misleading some readers in making this effort. Nevertheless, I will take a calculated risk and hope that most readers profit from this piece of writing.

One way to explain REBT is to suggest there are two fundamental ideas at the core of this philosophy. Those two ideas are realism and acceptance. REBT acknowledges that life will go against our wishes, and we had better recognize this. We will feel healthy negative feelings if we can cultivate acceptance of the adversity we face. Adversity in REBT is loosely defined as not getting what we want at any given point in time. In everyone’s life, this will inevitably occur. The extent to which deprivation occurs will vary widely between people simply because life is damn unfair. Perhaps the only thing fair about life is that we all face unfulfilled wishes (i.e., adversity) at some point or another about something significant to us. However, when trouble strikes anyone of us, regardless of how tragic the misfortune “actually” is, we do have options.

One option is to deny reality and demand that our wishes be fulfilled. We can demand that reality not be as it currently is. Ellis taught that demandingness is the essence of emotional disturbance. Dryden prefers to call this disturbed reaction a state of unhealthy negative emotion. Furthermore, note that the negative emotion will be strong when the unfulfilled wish is significant or when we face severe adversity. Whether we call it emotional disturbance or unhealthy negative emotion, the individual, in general, is holding one of the following three self-defeating ideas:

1. I must not be as I am. I must be different than I am. I have to perform better than I presently am performing.

2. You must not be as you are. You must be different than you are. You must be as I want you to be and then treat me as I want you to.

3. Life must not be as it is. Life must be different than it is. Life must be as I want it to be and go according to my master plan.

REBT’s message is to acknowledge reality and then go about and change what we can change. Sadly, sometimes it is impossible to change things to match our wishes, or doing so takes an incredible amount of time or effort. Under these two grim circumstances, we can still go forward and move on through realism and acceptance. Cultivating the acceptance of what is happening is not something fallible humans easily or quickly achieve. As we ascend the ladder of our goals and values, accepting what is “actually” going on, in reality, gets harder to do. If we eventually accept what “actually” is, the healthy negative emotion will still be a very strong one.

Ellis was optimistic and argued that we could come to accept an unfulfilled desire or severe adversity with work and practice. He thought we could adapt. He advocated we practice realistic thinking and acceptance. Dryden advocates we practice flexible thinking leading to acceptance. Both argue that we are better off having a healthy negative emotion toward reality as it “actually” is rather than denying reality and having an unhealthy negative emotion toward misfortune. Regardless of how it is stated, many things in life are challenging to adapt to and accept. We want to turn away from what we believe absolutely must not exist. But when we accept reality as it “actually” is, we begin to adapt to our grim reality. In a sense, we have found a solution. Are realism and acceptance “good” solutions? Probably not. But then again, in the absence of a good solution, realism and acceptance are still helpful solutions. Perhaps we had better accept that realism and acceptance are the best we can do to make the most of life, given the grim reality we face.

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