During this holiday session, many people find themselves in low spirits because of the Covid-19 pandemic and the losses, changes, restrictions, and social isolation it has caused. One reason I am an REBT psychotherapist is an assumption at the heart of the philosophy, which is that we can have some degree of happiness even when things are far from ideal. In REBT, we assume that we can refuse to be miserable and determine our emotional destiny. This emphasis means that we will have a healthy acknowledgment of the present adverse conditions, feel appropriately sad, disappointed, and concerned, but choose not to dwell on our adversity and create unhealthy feelings of self-pity, depression, anger, and anxiety. In REBT, we accept what we cannot change, and we change what we can. This simple strategy is an empowering approach to cultivate and practice day in and day out. It is comforting to know that there is always something I can do to help myself get through the most challenging times.
REBT is a tough-minded approach to life. I recently started thinking about some of the fundamental ideas that REBT has taught me and how they work in my life. I must admit that I do not implement all of these ideas perfectly well. I am an imperfect human. However, I do try to quickly take note when I start disturbing myself and then actively work to transform my self-defeating emotions and behaviors into healthy ones by thinking about my thinking. I want to be as happy and as high functioning as I can be. I assume this is the one life I will ever have to chance to live, and I want to maximize my pleasure and minimize my pain and upset. I, therefore, want to make the most of it while I can. Seneca, the Stoic philosopher, said, “Life is short. Death is certain.” I find that REBT is a practical philosophy for helping me with personal happiness and resilience to adversity. You, too, may find it a great asset to cope and make the most of your life. REBT asks a great deal of you but offers a great deal in return for your time and effort. You first have to have an accurate understanding of it before you can effectively use it. I suggest you read about it through books, attend my Saturday Zoom sessions and watch others struggle to apply it to their problems, listen to the audios and video resources on my website, watch Dr. Dryden’s excellent whiteboard presentation, and read my many blog posts. Listen to some of the audio of Ellis speaking on various topics that are available through my website. Ellis presents REBT theory in his unique way, and you may “get it” by listening to him as well as learning from me. He has a way of putting things that may make you laugh and appreciate the philosophy of REBT. However, once you make a profound philosophical change, you will not be the same, and you will be far better at handling what fate throws your way.
Perhaps you can take time out of your busy day to reflect upon the below ten ideas. These ideas recently came to mind when I was thinking about how to convey REBT’s fundamental tenets. Print them out and keep them at the ready. Take note when you start to disturb yourself and then refer back to these ideas. Ask yourself if any of them apply to this particular episode of upset. If this is the case, focus on the concept and reflect on its application. Then see if you can practice disciplining your mind to live to use the idea to maximize your pleasure and minimize your suffering. Remind yourself that:
- Life is not fair and is hard for everyone. Give up the notion it should be fair and easy. Accept life as it is, and it will become easier to bear.
- Realize you cannot change people and that it is better to focus on changing your reactions to people. People have free will and usually do what they want and not what you want. Note that you, too, probably more often than not do what you want and not what other people want. Our failure to cooperate works both ways. Seeing how you too annoy people may help you accept others with their misbehavior. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
- You are an imperfect creature of nature. Accept yourself with your imperfections. Do not use this as an excuse for intentional misbehavior as that would be self-defeating and antisocial. Attempt to do better but always unconditionally accept yourself. Choosing to accept yourself unconditionally is a human right. Condemn the sin but accept the sinner.
- Things do not have to be resolved immediately. Success in life often takes learning how to wait and persevere. It has been said that patience is a virtue. Things sometimes take more time than we would like to sort themselves out. Cultivate the discomfort tolerance required for waiting for what you want while remaining in a healthy emotional state. If you have to wait for something, you might as well create a calm emotional state and stay hopeful. Remember you will not get time back at the end of your life for time spent emotionally upset. Learn to wait gracefully.
- No one likes uncertainty, but it is bearable. There are no guaranteed paths in life. There are no utopias. Strive to have a realistic stance towards life. All paths have their advantages and disadvantages. There are no ideal solutions. Life is an art.
- Remember that things can nearly always be worse. The human mind tends to jump to extreme negative evaluations of bad events. The more negative the circumstance is the more likely you will jump to an extreme negative evaluation and conclude it is awful, terrible, or the end of the world. Try remembering that your adversity is bad, not awful. Keep things in perspective and remind yourself that the world is not ending. Do not make inconvenience more than an inconvenience. Awfulizing does not bring out the best in you.
- You can have some degree of happiness even in very undesirable circumstances if you open your mind to this possibility. Model this stance for others to see. Imagine a world where people regularly did this.
- Feeling sorry for yourself or blaming others for what is under your control never leads to coping well with adversity or injustice. See that unhealthy anger is self-defeating and very inefficient. Have no time for unhealthy anger. Remain responsible for your decisions, reactions, and your life. Do not perfume your anger and frame it as righteous indignation.
- You can discipline your mind to improve your emotional reactions. Yes, you have a self-defeating side, but nature has also bestowed upon you the capacity to help yourself, to grow, to self-actualize. Cultivate the rational side of your essence.
- Remember that no matter how badly you want something, it does not logically follow to believe you have to have what you very badly want. Accepting this will help you cope with the losses, and significant disappointments, all of us will ultimately have to bear.
Saturday Rational Emotive Behavioral Zoom Conversation hour 9 AM Eastern, 2 PM GMT, 2 PM UTC:
If you enjoyed and profited from this piece, you may also wish to attend my Saturday Zoom Conversation hour. This Zoom meeting is an opportunity to observe me discuss implementing these philosophical ideas with a volunteer who elects to share a real problem. These Saturday Zoom Conversation hours are free of charge to attend. You can select to volunteer to discuss a problem with me, or you may choose to merely witness the conversation I have with someone else and then submit any questions you have about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Go here to learn how to receive the Zoom Invitation:
https://rebtdoctor.com/rational-emotive-behavioral-weekly-zoom-conversation-hour.html
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