“We need prudence to avoid cheating ourselves with short-lived pleasures that cost too much; wisdom to choose the simpler pleasures that cost less and last longer.” – Epicurus
Albert Ellis argued that humans have the goals of being happy and surviving. He noted that many of his patients were prisoners of comfort. He pointed out that the human condition was such that we naturally gravitate towards being in a state of comfort at all times. This natural tendency could be an outgrowth of natural selection in so far as those who sought safety when threatened were more likely to live to pass on their genes than those who did not run to safety. The impulse to escape and establish a state of safety and comfort is likely part of our biological heritage.
Ellis pointed out that too much of a good thing can be self-harming. He argued that humans have discomfort disturbance when they compulsively seek to be comfortable in the short run when doing so has long run disadvantages. In our modern society, we have attempted to engineer discomfort out of our lives. We have created air conditioning and heating systems to keep our environments at a comfortable ambient air temperature. We have reduced the physical labor we need to do by creating all sorts of machines, from washing machines to dishwashers, to hairdryers and vacuum cleaners to make things easier. We have created pain killers to eliminate states of pain for those who are ill. With the creation of the internet, we can choose to rarely leave our homes and order all sorts of items which we are delivered to our doorstep. We strive to engineer movement out of our lives but suffer the longer-term pains associated with a sedentary lifestyle.
There is nothing inherently wrong with striving to restore a state of comfort and make our lives easy. However, regardless of our technologies, we cannot eliminate every conceivable discomfort we will ever face in our lives. In some ways, we are increasingly becoming prisoners of comfort and allowing our natural ability to bear discomfort to atrophy. Signs of our prisons of comfort include addictions, obesity, underachievement, unnecessary debt, and excessive consumerism, and interpersonal passivity. In my view, healthy human functioning involves maintaining our tolerance for states of discomfort and activity.
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is fundamentally a philosophy of maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain. My discussion of striving to maintain the ability to tolerate discomfort is in the service of maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain in our lives. In REBT, I teach people to identify where their tendency to escape discomfort is causing them more harm than good. When people see that their instinct to escape discomfort is associated with the misuse of drugs, food, and money, REBT can help them address this misuse. When a student sees their avoidance of homework is leading to underachievement, REBT can help them address this avoidance and reverse this pattern of behavior. When a person sees that their tendency to go along passively with others’ wishes is undermining their well-being and happiness, REBT can help them learn to tolerate the awkward moment when they assert themselves.
Ellis argued that there are three fundamental self-defeating ideas:
1. I must do well.
2. You must treat me well.
3. Life must be comfortable and easy.
When people hold the idea “Life must be comfortable and easy,” they tend to create a secondary thought that “it is unbearable when life is not comfortable and easy.” Their irrational thinking is about the state of discomfort one experiences when the condition they find themselves in is not comfortable or as easy as it must be. He argued that when we hold a rigid and ideal attitude towards how life must be, we set ourselves up not to tolerate states of discomfort well. He taught that when we escape discomfort in the short run and undermine our pleasure and well-being in the long run, we were suffering from discomfort disturbance.
If you suffer from addictions, obesity, underachievement, unnecessary debt, excessive shopping and consumerism, and interpersonal passivity, you likely can help yourself if you work on building your discomfort tolerance. You need to accept that discomfort is part of life. You had better be realistic and acknowledge that reversing your habit of quickly escaping states of discomfort will be challenging. You likely are well-practiced at seeking quick relief. Your culture and environment will offer you avenues of immediate relief from various forms of discomfort. Instant gratification is suggested more often than short term deprivation for longer-term gain. Therefore, you will need to understand that changing your tendency to escape discomfort will take a good deal of work over some inestimable period. To maintain the effort to reverse your self-defeating pattern of living, you need to identify the reasons bearing discomfort is well worth the short-term deprivation.
Years ago, my friend Dr. Windy Dryden and I wrote a short self-help book titled Overcoming Your Addictions. The first chapter was titled “Focus on What You are Gaining, Not what You are Giving Up.” When we work on an addiction, attempt to lose weight, strive to get better grades or attempt to learn to assert ourselves, we need to keep in mind why we are willingly making ourselves uncomfortable. There are good reasons, but these good reasons are easily forgotten when we begin to feel the internal state of discomfort that comes with deprivation. There are short term opportunity costs that have to be accepted.
When you attempt to change your behavior, you will have to accept the opportunity cost. This is the Adversity. Now let us examine the opportunity cost from the standpoint of the ABC model of emotion:
(A) Adversity: State of deprivation in the short run where you do not experience the pleasure of food, drugs, or buying something, the pleasure of an alternative activity, or you feel a state of discomfort from asserting yourself
(B) Basic Attitudes: Life must not have deprivation. I must have what I want when I want it. I must remain comfortable or escape discomfort. I cannot bear discomfort and states of deprivation.
(C) Consequences: Consumption of food, drugs, or spending of money in an unnecessary way, no doing your homework, escaping awkward moments by going along with others when you could assert your point of view
Once you decide that your short-term pleasure-seeking and short-term comfort are no longer how you want to engage with life, you will need to change your basic philosophy towards discomfort and deprivation. In REBT, we teach that you can strengthen your rational thinking, but you must undermine your self-defeating, irrational thought to do so. The best way to do this is to question your self-defeating thinking, see how it is false and dysfunctional in the long-term, create new healthy attitudes, and then implement through behavior those new attitudes. To challenge the irrational attitudes in the above example, ask:
Is it true or false that life must not have deprivation?
Where is it written that I have to have what I want when I want it?
Although I want to remain comfortable at all times, is it necessarily true that I must immediately escape discomfort?
What cost am I experiencing over the long-term by being so avoidant of immediate states of discomfort?
Are the long-term gains more significant than the short-term cost of discomfort?
Which is true – I cannot bear the discomfort, or I dislike states of discomfort, but I really can bear states of discomfort and will not perish if I experience them?
What would be a helpful set of attitudes that will enable me to tolerate the short-term discomfort and deprivation when it is worth doing to reap longer-term benefits?
Using REBT is hard because asking these disputing questions and thinking them through is uncomfortable and requires effort and concentration. It is easier to default to “I cannot stand to tolerate discomfort and cannot bear to think about my thinking” and cruise along in life doing what you naturally do. If you are tired of being a prisoner of comfort and wish to reap longer-term benefits, it is necessary that you adopt and, more importantly, act upon the following attitudes:
I wish life did not involve deprivation, but unfortunately, it does. Deprivation sometimes cannot be avoided and does not have to be absent from my life. I will accept that my wishes may never be fulfilled in the short or long run. I have a perfect right to try to get my wishes fulfilled. I will have more pleasure if I do not demand a life absent of deprivation and tolerate deprivation for longer-term, more sustainable pleasures.
I do not have to remain comfortable at all times or immediately escape discomfort. It is good to tolerate discomfort under some conditions. When it is worth doing, I will bear the discomfort. Although a set of conditions may be uncomfortable, that does not make them unbearable. When it is worth doing, I will choose to withstand discomfort to reap longer-term gains.
Many people will quickly see that these rational ideas are true and will lead to longer-term gains. What you need to do is to develop conviction in these ideas. To be convinced of these ideas, you need to force yourself to act according to them each day. When you are at the tempting moment to consume that favorite drug, food or spend money in a self-defeating way, it is at that moment you need to take a deep breath and pause. Begin to work with yourself. Talk to yourself in a calm, reassuring, and rational way. Call to mind what you will gain if you withstand the temptation of the moment. Question the thoughts and attitudes that are driving your behavior. Create a healthy and flexible attitude towards the discomfort of not yielding to discomfort and escaping.
I want to offer you one last piece of advice. REBT is a brilliant philosophy, but it is damn hard to implement. You can get better at using REBT to tolerate temptation and do what is best in the long run, but it will take tolerating failure as well. Accept that as a human, you will fail when you try to change. Do not give up, and do not put yourself down. Unconditionally accept yourself while you struggle to build your tolerance for discomfort. Downing yourself, thinking you are a no-good addict, a weak person will never help you change your behavior. You can change. REBT philosophy will work if you keep at it. Accept yourself and keep at self-directed behavioral change. Focus on what you will gain, and one day you will surprise yourself and what you can do when you bear discomfort in the service of longer-term pleasures.
The cure for pain is in the pain. – Rumi
To rule yourself is the ultimate power. – Seneca
Note: On Saturdays, I hold a free Zoom conversation hour where I take a volunteer and discuss one of their problems. If you have been avoiding working towards a goal or dealing with a personal issue, perhaps you would like to volunteer and discuss your situation with me. I will show you the rigid and extreme attitudes that are holding you back from achieving your goals.
Saturday Rational Emotive Behavioral Zoom Conversation hour 9 AM Eastern, 2 PM GMT, 2 PM UTC:
Go here to learn how to receive the Zoom Invitation:
https://rebtdoctor.com/rational-emotive-behavioral-weekly-zoom-conversation-hour.html
Please feel free to pass this information and invitation to attend my Saturday Rational Emotive Behavioral Zoom Conversation hour to a friend.