Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) argues that you can achieve emotional health by cultivating your capacity for enlightened self-interest. This concept means that you learn to think and feel in ways that allow you to take action to put yourself first and others a close second. Enlightened self-interest does not mean that you must always put yourself first but that you are capable of doing so guiltlessly and shamelessly. REBT philosophy recognizes that you, the individual live in a community, and therefore, you had better take into account the impact of your actions on other people. REBT philosophy has several other ideas that support enlightened self-interest. Ideas like unconditional self-acceptance and non-absolutism will allow individuals to forge their path in life without guilt and shame. Additional ideas that support enlightened self-interest include:
- Self-direction: The idea that it is best to embrace responsibility for creating your happiness instead of leaving it in the hands of others
- Emotional responsibility: This idea is that humans create their emotional disturbance by holding rigid and extreme attitudes when thwarted in pursuing their goals.
- Hedonism as a goal of life: That life is probably best thought of as an opportunity to enjoy oneself instead of using it to prove oneself worthy of the respect of significant others or achieve eternal salvation from death through achievement and sacrifice for others.
REBT is an emotionally liberating philosophy because it helps people identify and reformulate unhealthy attitudes that make them prisoners of guilt, shame, anger, and anxiety. A fair number of people find that attempting to make choices that parents do not approve of are associated with guilt, anxiety, and shame. With new reformulated healthy attitudes, REBT allows individuals to do what they want with their precious time and not what others want them to do. It frees the individual to live the life they want and not the life their parents want them to live.
REBT teaches that healthy negative emotions are inevitable in life under some circumstances. When we hold values and act in a way that is not consistent with those our parents have, it is appropriate to be concerned and sad. When we hold values and live in ways that are at odds with the values and practices our parents choose, it is appropriate to be concerned and possibly even sad. We can be concerned about being shunned by our parents if they use the withdrawal of love as an instrument to influence a child’s behavior. It is appropriate to feel sadness when a parent rejects a child for living as the child wishes to live. Likewise, it is understandable for a parent to be disappointed or sad but not hurt when a child makes decisions that a parent may think unwise or disapproves of for some other “good” reason that the child rejects.
Below are a few of the rigid and extreme attitudes an adult child may hold that will lead to unhealthy guilt, shame, and anxiety in their relationship with their parents. REBT encourages the individual to reformulate their rigid and extreme attitudes into flexible and non-extreme attitudes that will enable the adult child to have a healthy negative emotion as they live the life they wish to lead.
Skim the list below and find attitudes relevant to the emotional issues you have with your parents. Compare the two ideas and choose the one that helps you live your life to the fullest without guilt, shame, anger, and anxiety.
Rigid attitude: Because my parents brought me into the world and made sacrifices for my benefit, I must make equal sacrifices on their behalf.
Flexible attitude: Even though my parents brought me into the world and made sacrifices for my benefit, it does not mean I must make equal sacrifices on their behalf. They chose to have a child and their responsibility for sacrificing results from that decision. Their choice to have a child was one of self-interest. It is fair to do some things for them and sometimes help them, but I need to be very careful not to overdo it and end p living my life out of obligation to them. I can make some sacrifices for them if I wish, but this would be a choice not made out of obligation but something I do because I get healthy pleasure from pleasing them. If I do it out of guilt and obligation, it is likely not a choice to please them based on emotional health.
Rigid and extreme attitudes: I absolutely should live my life as my parents want me to live it. If I do not, I am a bad person.
Flexible attitude and non-extreme attitudes: It would be nice to live my life as my parents want me to live it, but I do not want this for myself. I do not have to live my life as my parents want me to live it. It is their opinion I am a bad person, but that does not have to be my opinion. I do not have to arbitrarily define my worth as a person based on living the life they want me to lead. I am a unique, complex, fallible human in a state of flux that has the right to think independently and live as I want and not as they wish.
Extreme attitude: It is unbearable to stand up to my parents and disagree with them.
Non-extreme attitude: It is hard for me to stand up to my parents and disagree with them, but it is not unbearable. I can bear this struggle. When the matter we disagree on is of sufficient importance to me, I will be willing to tolerate the struggle of opposing with them. If I avoid the struggle, it will be harder for me in the long run. I will likely end up feeling resentful and angry for leading the life they want, not the life I want.
Extreme attitude: It is too hard to make my own decisions and face the consequences of those decisions.
Non-extreme attitude: It is challenging to make my own decisions and face the consequences of those decisions but not too hard. I can bear the difficulty and stress of making my own decisions. It is worth doing because I am in the best position to know my interests, values, and desires and see how they differ from my parents’ interests, values, and desires. I am therefore willing to do what is hard and make my own decisions and then be responsible for the outcome of those decisions. It is my responsibility to take charge of my life. If I don’t, they will, but this is less likely the best course of action.
Extreme attitude: It is unbearable if my parents shun me for my choices.
Non-extreme attitude: It will be tough if my parents shun me for my choices, but there is no evidence that it will be unbearable, will disintegrate, and cannot have any happiness without their presence in my life. I cannot control their reactions to my decisions. I want to live my life according to my values and desires, and I hope they would respect my decisions and choices even if they disagree with them, but they do not have to do so. Because the choice I am making in this regard is significant, it is worth putting up with their shunning, and therefore, I am willing to put up with it. Too bad for me that there is this tradeoff in my life around this choice I am making. I will accept the good with the bad.
Rigid attitude: Because my parents will miss me, I have to live within a reasonably close distance to where my parents live.
Flexible attitude: Although my parents will indeed miss me if I do not live within a reasonably close distance to where they live, it does not make sense to conclude I have to live within that distance. I can acknowledge their feelings mean a great deal to me, but in the end, I have a right to put myself first and them a close second. I want to live a satisfying life, and it is my responsibility to make that happen. In this regard, where I live will help me live a satisfying life, and I wish it did not come with this tradeoff. I am not a bad person for choosing to move to where I will be moving. I can try to keep in touch and visit with them, but I can accept that we both cannot have what we want in this regard, and I have a right to live the life I want, not the life they want.
Rigid attitude: I have to have children because my parents want grandchildren.
Flexible attitude: Although my parents wish to have grandchildren, it does not mean I must have children and make their wishes come true. A child is a huge responsibility, and pleasing my parents is a grave injustice to the child and me. I wish I wanted children as they want grandchildren, but I do not. I can accept their disappointment. I acknowledge that they are human and will feel disappointed when they do not get what they want. I can also choose to accept myself unconditionally even if I disappoint them. I do not have to please them. I have a right to forge the life I want as this is the moral thing to do. Morality starts with pleasing myself first and putting their interests a close second. I am not responsible for their happiness. They can still choose to have some joy even if they do not have grandchildren. Every life lacks something.
Rigid attitude: I must pursue as much education as my parents think I absolutely should get.
Flexible attitude: It might be good in many ways to pursue as much education as my parents think I ideally should pursue, but I do not absolutely have to do so. Education is an investment of time and money, and if I do not want to make that investment with my time and money, I do not have to do so. Time is not an elastic resource, and I am responsible for investing my time and money in the ways I believe will best serve my interests and long-term well-being.
Rigid attitude: I have to pursue my parents’ choice of careers to please them and make them proud of my professional status.
Flexible attitude: Although it might please my parents to choose the career they want, it is not true that I absolutely have to do so. A career is a significant part of a person’s life, and this is a very personal choice. No one, not even my parents, can know what I absolutely should do with my life in terms of career. I am in the best position to make this important decision based on my interests, goals, and values. It would be good to listen to their recommendation so I consider their point of view as it might have some merit. I will listen so I can make my own decision fully informed of different arguments and then go into my chosen career with my eyes wide open. It is good to be aware of the assumptions we make when we make decisions, and they could very well make me aware of an aspect of career decision-making I have not taken into account. In the end, though, I will reap the benefits of my good decisions and pay the price of any decisions that produce unfavorable results.
Rigid attitude: Because my parents built a thriving business, I must devote my life to the family business rather than using my time to pursue my career or my business interests.
Flexible attitude: Although my parents built a thriving business, I do not have to devote my life to the family business rather than using my time to pursue my career or my business interests. There could be advantages to going into the family business that I would be well advised to consider, but every path also has disadvantages. My career interests and business interests would match theirs in an ideal situation, but this is not a perfect world. I am a unique individual with interests and values that do not necessarily match theirs. I had better choose to accept myself with my unique interests and responsibly pursue them.
Rigid attitude: I have to run the family business as my parents would have me run it.
Flexible attitude: My parents may want me to run the family business as they want and think it is best to run it, but, in the end, I do not absolutely have to do so. If they have handed the reins over to me, it probably is good to consider their views due to their base of experience, but in the end, I am running it now, and I am responsible for it. It might be hard to resist their input but not unbearable. I can stand to make my own decisions on how to run it now that they gave me the reins. If the reins are not solely mine, I will tolerate and consider their input and negotiate the best way to proceed. I do not have to be part of the business if we cannot agree on how to run it. I will accept that one of us has more power, and in the end, it is that person’s will that matters most. I never have to upset myself if I have less power in running the business. I will take my ego out of the process and consider what is fair and best in the long run for me.
Rigid attitude: I must earn as much money as my parents want me to make. If not, I am a failure.
Flexible and non-extreme attitude: I may want to make as much or more money as my parents would like me to, but I do not have to make that amount of money. If I do not make that amount, it does not mean I am a failure. It simply means that I have failed to reach their monetary goal, but I do not have to achieve that goal. In the end, it is my goals and values that matter most. If I fail to reach the monetary goals I have set for myself, that would not mean that I am a failure. It would prove I am a fallible human, and I could choose to unconditionally accept myself with my falling short of my monetary goal. All definitions of human worth are arbitrary, not empirically derived. A human is unique, complex, error-prone, in flux. Due to the characteristics of a human, their intrinsic worth cannot be validly estimated. I will live my life to enjoy myself and not prove myself by the money I make. Money is a tool, but it does not measure my intrinsic value.
Rigid attitude: My parents must think of me as a success.
Flexible attitude: It would be lovely if my parents think I have achieved success and are proud of that, but they do not have to do so. First of all, “a success” is an overgeneralization and a global valuation of my worth as a person. Everyone succeeds in some endeavors and fails in other areas. No successful or series of successful works can represent my human value. Summing my worth in this way is invalid and a prime example of sloppy thinking. Regardless of how poorly they may think, I do not have to reason in this lazy way. It would be best for me to choose to unconditionally accept myself regardless of how much success they believe I have achieved. I will have fewer regrets if I live my one life to please me than prove something to them.
Rigid attitude: I have to have the respect of my parents.
Flexible attitude: It is nice to respect one’s parents, but making this an absolute necessity is emotionally dangerous. There are times when parents are emotionally disturbed and will withhold their love and respect to manipulate a child as if they were a puppet for their pleasure. I will suffer anger and fear if I live my life falsely believing that I must have their respect, and if I do not, I cannot live a happy life based on unconditional self-acceptance. I will lay the foundation for my emotional health by accepting I do not have to earn my parents’ respect.
Rigid attitude: My parents must value and acknowledge my professional accomplishments. I need their affirmation.
Flexible attitude: I wish my parents valued and acknowledged my professional accomplishments, but in actuality, they do not absolutely have to do so. Because they are important to me, and I have tried to implement what they have taught me, I want their affirmation of my accomplishments, but I do not require that for my emotional well-being. They are significant people in my life, but they are still only people, not gods, that I need to please and be affirmed by to accept myself. Because of their lack of education or radically different life experiences, they may not value or not be impressed by my professional accomplishments. Still, I do not have to depress myself about this. I am not a failure, even if I have failed to get their acknowledgment of my professional accomplishment. I am not a failure, even if they define me as one. I am not a successful person, even if they think of me as one. I live as a fallible human whose essence is neither good nor bad. I have my successes and failures, and neither defines me as a person as doing that would be arbitrary and deny my complexity and future doings.
Rigid attitude: I have to have the same political beliefs that my parents hold.
Flexible attitude: There is no good reason to think my political beliefs must be congruent with my parents’ political beliefs. Things change, and people come to have different views on what works in politics. I am an independent individual who can think and reason for myself and hold political beliefs opposed to theirs. I hope to model tolerance and accept that we do not have to agree politically, even if they show intolerance for my political views. Arguing with loved ones and friends about political beliefs is very self-defeating and completely unnecessary where people value tolerance. We will live well with each other if we tolerate the differing political opinions of others and unconditionally accept others despite our political differences. I will model tolerance even if my parents lack it for me. I will not try to convince them I am right and wrong.
Rigid attitude: Because my parents believe it is wrong to live with a romantic partner out of wedlock, I must not live with a romantic partner out of wedlock.
Flexible attitude: Because my parents believe that it is wrong to live with a partner out of wedlock, it does not mean I too must think this way and must not live with my romantic partner out of wedlock. In all probability, there are no absolutes when it comes to living life. Customs, values, laws, and economic conditions change, all of which impact this decision of whether it is prudent to live with a romantic partner out of wedlock. I can listen to their rationale and the associated advantages and disadvantages of this course of action. Still, in the end, it is my life and my decision, and I am responsible for finding the arrangement that works best for my romantic partner and me in this period, given our goals, values, and perspectives.
Rigid attitude: I must only have sex with people, and in the way my parents think is appropriate and healthy.
Flexible attitude: Because my parents believe certain sexual practices are inappropriate or immoral, it does not mean I must think them so and avoid them. If these practices are mutually consensual and not harmful to any party, I may choose to engage in them even if they may not be acceptable to my parents. I am responsible for the health and safety of my body and mind and can listen to them to understand their point of view. Still, in the end, I am in the best position to make intelligent decisions about how best to enjoy sex and with whom to enjoy it.
Rigid attitude: I must dress and present myself to the public as my parents think I absolutely should.
Flexible attitude: How I dress and present myself is my business. It might be nice if my parents liked my public presentation, but they do not have to do so, and I do not need them to think I present myself well. We may have different tastes, and I need them to like my dressing.
Rigid attitude: I have to love and marry the person my parents want me to love and marry.
Flexible attitude: It is always nice if the person I love and choose to marry is the individual my parents want me to love and marry, but this is not an absolute necessity. Love and marriage are serious business, and to seek my parents’ approval by choosing to marry who they want or not choosing to marry who I want is a mistake. I have one life to live and enjoy. If I let my parents make such a significant decision, it is unlikely I will lead the most enjoyable life I can. I may want them to approve of my choice of love partners, but I do not absolutely need that approval. I am in the best position to select the person with who I will, hopefully, spend the rest of my life and whose company I most enjoy.
Rigid attitude: I must be as lenient or strict in raising my children as they believe I ideally should be.
Flexible attitude: My children are my children, and raising them is an art not a science. Therefore, I have responsibility for them and have a right to be as lenient or strict in raising them as I think is prudent, responsible, and healthy. My parents have had their chance, and now it is my turn to attempt this complex and fatiguing process well. They may or may not know better, but I do not have to follow their example. I can take the good they displayed in raising me, add to it, and leave out those responses and tactics that I think are not useful for raising a healthy child.
Rigid attitude: I must not change my religion and raise my children in a faith different from their religion.
Flexible attitude: I have the right to change my religion and raise my children in a different faith from theirs. I can think for myself and do not have to follow their religious tradition. Raising my children and introducing them to religious beliefs is my choice to make, and they do not have to like my choice. I can unconditionally accept them even if they severely criticize or frown upon my choice of faiths to follow and pass on to my child. I never have to make my self-acceptance contingent on their acceptance of me and my decisions.
Rigid attitude: I need my parents to approve of my decision to divorce.
Flexible attitude: Divorcing is a big decision, just as marriage is. If I wrongly think I need my parents’ approval for either of these decisions, I risk not living the life I want to lead. Life is an art, and divorce may very well have advantages and disadvantages that only I can thoroughly weigh. It is a deeply personal question and to need their approval is to relinquish control of my life to them. I may make the wrong decision, but so could they. No one absolutely knows the right path to take in life. I can be open to the views of significant others, such as my parents, but in the end, I have a better chance of making myself happy if I relinquish my need for parental approval and make my own life decisions. If I make the wrong one, in the end, I can choose to unconditionally accept myself and never “should” on myself. I am responsible for making myself happy and if I believe divorce is the best thing to do in the long run, so be it.
Conclusion
REBT is a philosophy of unconditional self-acceptance. Most people conditionally accept themselves, and some, sadly, accept themselves on the condition that they gain and maintain their parents’ approval, respect, and love. This conditional self-acceptance may make them a prisoner of sorts to their parents. Since all parents are fallible humans, this can lead to severe emotional problems when parents withhold their love and approval or use it to influence their children. It is hard to learn to accept yourself unconditionally with or without your parents’ approval. However, in the end, relinquishing the need for parental permission is more likely to help you lead the life you wish to live and experience that life with healthy emotional reactions to the adversity you will encounter. With this unconditional self-acceptance, you will be better able to take calculated risks that may make you happy, given your goals, values, and interests. Learn to identify the rigid and extreme attitudes that underpin any guilt, anxiety, anger, depression, or shame you experience in your relationship with your parents. Challenge these attitudes and reformulate them into a healthy, flexible wish for approval. When you are rejected or criticized by your parents, see that this is unfortunate or even very sad, but worse things can happen to you in life by far. Learn to accept yourself unconditionally with or without parental love and approval. Their rejection is unfortunate, but the self-rejection you choose is far more detrimental to your emotional well-being. Take responsibility for emotional health and set the stage for it by choosing to unconditionally accept yourself with or without your parents’ love, respect, and approval. It is lovely to have their approval but see that you never absolutely need it. Achieving unconditional self-acceptance will free you to live the life you want to lead, which in the end will have the best probability of being a path leading to satisfaction and meaning.