Overcoming the Tyranny of Shame – Dr. Matweychuk
Shame is a potent and painful emotion for many people. It often is accompanied by anxiety, and people often find that they have problems with both of these emotions. Shame is so compelling people have committed suicide when in the throes of a shameful episode.
Let’s do an ABC analysis of shame. The adversity (A) is that something “shameful” has been revealed about you or some group you closely identify with such as your family. The disclosure to others may occur by something you do in public or reveal about yourself. It can also occur because of someone else “outing” you either intentionally or possibly unintentionally. The consequence at (C) is that you feel the powerful and painful feeling of shame. However, you may also remove yourself from the gaze of others, isolate or hide from others, or attack others in a defensive maneuver to save face and defend your self-esteem in some other way. Shame also then may bias and distort your view of any future actions you may take. Furthermore, you may overestimate the shamefulness of the information revealed about you to others. You may overestimate the likelihood others will be very interested in this information or the extent to which they will judge you once knowing it. You may also overestimate the degree of disapproval others will show you, or the time that disapproval will be shown to you.
Fortunately, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) has a solution for those who suffer from this painful and powerful emotion. That solution is to accept yourself despite the “shameful” revelation. Why? Because you are a fallible human and will from time to time like all other fallible humans do things that fall short of the standards you wish to achieve. How do you accept yourself with your shameful revelation?
There are many ways and space does not allow me to go into all of these in this piece. Let me say that you choose to define yourself “acceptable despite the shameful act” because you choose to do so and have the right to do so. Self-acceptance is a basic human right. You do not NEED to look good to others, and you do not NEED them to accept you. People can define themselves as okay as people even when they acknowledge to others and themselves that what they have done is not okay in some way. It helps to know that there are no laws of the universe that prevent humans from doing what other humans consider “shameful.” You can see your act as bad, but you never have to look at yourself as a sad, shameful, worthless human. The unconditional self-acceptance which is the antidote to shame is ALWAYS self-administered because only you can choose to accept yourself. Once you see this point, a great liberation occurs. I believe that perhaps the greatest gift you can give to yourself is unconditional self-acceptance. I cannot give this to you. Your parents cannot provide this to you, and your partner cannot offer this to you. Only you can give this to you. Only you can choose to accept yourself. Yes, only you!
Instead of unhealthy shame, you could feel disappointed, which is healthy, that you did what others in your group will consider wrong and shameful. You can have a concern, which is healthy, that there may be some consequence in the future for what you did or how you acted. However, with unconditional self-acceptance, you will be better able to face shamelessly whatever social penalties which may lie ahead. As I said earlier, the shame you feel will likely cause you to overestimate the likelihood of those consequences occurring and the disapproval that will accompany them.
In conclusion, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) holds the answer to the tyranny of shame. It is unconditional self-acceptance, self-administered, freely given by yourself to yourself because you choose to do this. You are a human, a fallible human, who can adopt self-acceptance regardless of how shamefully you or someone close to you may act. It is a human right for you to accept yourself unconditionally. Understand this point and so much in your life will change. Why not live shameless starting right now!