Do you know anyone who takes themselves too seriously? Be honest. Might you be one of those who display their human fallibility in this off-putting way? Perhaps you do not do this consistently but fall prey to this psychological state from time to time in the presence of some people you are threatened by or are motivated to impress. Probably we all have done this at one time or another. Unfortunately, some people get stuck doing this over a lifetime. If you take yourself too seriously, you may want to open your mind to the dangers of having this psychological stance. After discussing the risks of taking yourself too seriously, I will propose the remedy for this affliction from the Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy perspective.
Typical Signs of Taking Yourself Too Seriously
What are some of the signs of this psychological vulnerability? There are many. One indication is talking too much about yourself and the tone and manner you do so. Generally, a person reveals this vulnerability in how we relate to others.
An individual who takes themselves too seriously tends to put off other people during a conversation. The individual is psychologically “puffed up” and is usually quick to point out how wonderful they do things and thereby imply how wonderful they are as a person. They miss the sweet spot during a conversation and spend too much time highlighting their accomplishments. There is nothing wrong with sharing achievements, but the frequency, intensity, and duration of their effort to point out what they have done reveal this shortcoming. They also fail to notice they are in the “it’s all about me mode.” A person who takes themselves too seriously may display poor listening skills and fail to show genuine interest in the life and achievements of the other person.
People who take themselves too seriously may be prone to lecturing others or display a subtle or not-so-subtle demeanor of knowing it all. They may too often offer unsolicited advice in a paternal tone. Perhaps they provide a great deal of good advice and knowledge, but the frequent display of their fund of knowledge and how it is delivered might hint at their unhealthy view of themselves.
People who take themselves too seriously are often prone to insults. They may turn aggressive and quickly defend their judgment or actions and put down anyone questioning them. They are not open to feedback on their performances or viewpoint. Their sense of humor may be meanspirited and directed at downing other people when they display errors or down others for their negative characteristics.
People who take themselves too seriously may nonverbally convey an air of superiority. These individuals may say little in a conversation, show disinterest, and become somewhat disengaged or appear aloof.
The Fallacy of Composition (The Part-Whole Error)
People who show signs of taking themselves too seriously are likely to rate themselves and others as people. They look at their excellent characteristics and exemplary achievements and then make the fallacy of composition. The fallacy of composition is an informal fallacy that arises when one infers that something is true of the whole from the fact that it is true of some part of the whole. They wrongly conclude they are good or better, as a person, because they possess good characteristics and have achieved a number of their important goals. Generally, they have what REBT calls self-esteem or conditional self-acceptance. REBT views self-esteem as a negative, unhealthy characteristic, whether high or low. People with high self-esteem may have difficulty or cannot laugh at things they have done improperly. They are unable to do this because they rate themselves. Not only do they rate themselves, but they rate themselves highly based on what they can do, have done, or the characteristics they possess. They are compelled to maintain their standards to maintain their high, inflated self-rating. They experience a great deal of unhealthy pride. As I like to say, they walk around puffed up.
REBT argues that one pillar of emotional health is unconditional self-acceptance. The person who takes themselves too seriously is likely to live life to prove themselves instead of enjoying themselves. To them, life is competition. There is a totem pole of human value, and they are trying to ascend it to the top and have already gotten a good way up the pole! In their crooked way of thinking about human worth that is both subjective and invalid, they can and must occupy a top position on that totem pole, or else they are lesser or worthless as a person. Their high self-esteem makes them vulnerable to slipping down the human worth totem pole and feeling bad about themselves.
Albert Ellis, the originator of REBT, argued that one way of defining emotional disturbance was taking yourself, other people, and life itself too seriously or not seriously enough. When people take themselves too seriously, they may place rigid attitudes on themselves, setting the stage for their overly serious way of living. When we think, “I have to do perfectly well and prove myself,” we are prone also to hold the attitude “When I do not do well or as well as you do, you are a better person, I am lesser of a person, or I am worthless.” Another self-defeating attitude they may hold is “I must display to you how wonderful I am, and you need to validate my performance, so I continue to feel good about myself.” They (absolutely) need your approval and recognition of their exceptional human value.
Aside from turning people off by being so “puffed up,” there are other dangers. These people may experience anxiety as their life is a test. If they fail that test at any time, which is inevitable because they are fallible by nature, they quickly descend into ego depression and shame. Once in this shameful pit, a herculean effort is made to reestablish their conditional self-acceptance, also known as self-esteem, by doing something great. They are on an emotional self-esteem rollercoaster going from sainthood to shithood and then back to sainthood. Ellis humorously called a person like this a “nobility nut.”
Given that all humans are error-prone, this ride on the self-esteem rollercoaster will be wild at times. Sometimes to avoid the self-downing and the shameful pit of failure, they may resort to putting someone else down to feel better about themselves or rationalize and make excuses for their loss or poor performance. If all else fails, they can protect their self-esteem by playing it safe and not participating in something where failure is possible.
The solution to taking yourself too seriously is to stop seeing what you do as a measure of your human value and greatness as a person. It would be best if you preferably took what you do appropriately seriously, given the practical consequences associated with the outcome of your actions. Even when you are playing an important role in someone’s life, you do not see your role as a measure of your total worth as a human. For example, consider a person who regularly performs surgery. This person preferably should take what they do appropriately seriously to perform well because the surgery they perform is significant to the person receiving the surgery. However, even though what they do in their professional role is very important to others, keep things in perspective and don’t get puffed up about it. You can acknowledge that you remain an imperfect human with error proneness and bad parts despite your critical role. You avoid the illogical part-whole error that so many people make and conclude you are a great person because you can do wonderful deeds. Yes, you have acquired a highly technical set of skills, but it is arbitrary to conclude you are a “great person” because you have developed these skills and use them to help people.
To get puffed up, a person does not even have to play a role recognized by society as “an essential service.” Regardless of the work a person does for a living, they could think in a crooked way and equate the role they play in any domain of their life with their human value, thereby displaying this type of ego inflation and neurotic over seriousness. This way of reasoning is self-harming and distasteful to others. Resist doing this! Do it often enough, and people may shun you.
Unconditional Self-Acceptance
Unconditional self-acceptance is damn hard to understand, strive towards, and consistently maintain. Ellis argued that all humans are predisposed to “crooked” thinking. They then apply that crooked thinking to themselves, others and life. As they engage in crooked thinking, one result is taking life and themselves too seriously. They become prone to insults if others accidentally or intentionally show disrespect or disregard. In extreme cases, they may kill others to defend their honor!
In other Intermittent Reinforcement emails, I have discussed why it is invalid to rate yourself. You may want to go and review the previous email. Click here to conveniently download that last email and refresh your understanding of why it is invalid to rate yourself based on your deeds or characteristics.
You can give up your self-defeating ego inflated, overserious demeanor by challenging your crooked thinking. You could ask:
1. Where is the evidence that I am better as a person simply because I do something exceptionally well or because a part of me is excellent?
2. What cost do I pay by seeking social recognition and needing validation from others?
3. Might I regret on my death bed living my life to prove myself instead of having lived my life to enjoy myself?
4. Am I putting off people by suggesting I am superior? Does this serve me well?
You could keep working not to rate your total self and limit your evaluations to your behaviors and characteristics without going beyond this and concluding you “are good, noble, or great” or “better than” others. Remember, what goes up will come crashing down, which applies to your ego. If you don’t take yourself too seriously, you will not plummet into the abyss of shame and ego-based depression. Sooner or later, no matter how talented you may be, you will error or fail because you are human.
In REBT, we suggest that you, from time to time, do some exercises where you intentionally act foolishly in public and teach yourself that even if you have acted foolishly and others have disapproved of your behavior, that never makes you a fool. View the below uTube video of my Paris shame attack exercise.