Perhaps the most challenging role a person can play is playing the role of a parent. It is a great responsibility to parent one, two, or more children in today’s world. There is nonstop decision-making. Once a person becomes a parent, they never sleep the same. As infants and toddlers, children require constant supervision. Raising one or more children is incredibly expensive. Many items have to be purchased and replaced. Education is expensive. The list of responsibilities is long. If a child is not healthy, the problems are exponentially more challenging. No parent can adequately prepare themselves for the role in advance. A great deal of being a parent involves learning on the job. Parenting takes place in the context of other problems. Parents lose their jobs and become ill. Parents also sometimes get divorced, and what they initially envisioned as a two-person job sometimes becomes a one-person job. A pandemic only makes an incredibly challenging job that much more difficult. Finally, there is the internet. Parents have to protect their children from being exploited through others approaching the child via the internet.
Parents have emotional reactions to their roles and the challenges they face. When they look back over the years, they also may suffer from guilt. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) defines guilt as an unhealthy negative emotion. Guilt is a self-condemning emotion that emanates from a rigid attitude towards oneself and the things a parent could have done differently or failed to do. REBT argues that a healthy feeling would be regret. One can feel regretful for not doing what now appears to be better. It is hard for humans to rate only their actions and decisions. Because parenting is an important role and most people have a strong desire to do it well, the human mind quickly goes from wanting to play the role very well to demanding to play it well. When we place demands on ourselves, that is, hold rigid attitudes towards ourselves, we will often feel anxious before we do something and guilty or depressed after performing less than ideally. The answer is for fallible humans to hold flexible attitudes towards their role and the decisions and behaviors associated with it. Flexible does not mean having a weak desire to do well with your children. One can have a strong but flexible attitude towards their duties as a parent. Similarly, flexible attitudes of the kind that REBT endorses do not abdicate a person’s responsibility for what a parent does or fails to do. Flexible attitudes towards parenting are healthy, practical, backed by observable evidence, and sensible.
Use REBT philosophy to help you accept yourself as a fallible human even if you could have done a better job as a parent. Below is a list of rigid attitudes a parent might hold. Skim the list below and more closely study those that apply to your emotional issues as a parent.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: Because parenting is such an important role, I absolutely should have played it ideally well.
Question: Is this a sensible attitude to hold?
Healthy, flexible attitude: This is not a sensible attitude to hold. Even if I failed to play the role of a parent ideally well, and that would have been preferable, it does not mean I absolutely had to do so. No human plays the role of a parent ideally well. My heart was in the right place. When I hold this demand for ideal role performance, I will devalue myself when I fall short. I am not lesser of a person even if I acknowledge there were times I could have done better. It is not valid or useful to define myself as lesser because I did not play the role of a parent ideally well.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should have played the role of a parent instead of trying to be a friend to my children.
Question: What evidence supports this rigid attitude?
Healthy, flexible attitude: No evidence supports this attitude. It would have been better if I had played the role of a parent and not tried to be a friend to my children. Unfortunately, I had emotional issues that interfered with my judgment. I did not have to do better, even if this would have produced a healthier relationship with my children. I accept my fallible nature and how it played out in my relationship with my children.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should have encouraged my kids to take calculated risks instead of having them play it safe. Kids learn by trying and failing at things.
Question: Although I now see that it would have been better to encourage my kids to take calculated risks, did I have to do this?
Healthy, flexible attitude: I now see that it would have been better to encourage my kids to take calculated risks instead of having them play it safe. Unfortunately, I generally did not do this. Although this would have been better to encourage them to take calculated risks to equip them for decision-making later in life, I did not have to do so.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should have let my children face the consequences of their misbehavior rather than save them and enable them to continue to misbehave.
Question: Where is the evidence I had to let my children face the consequences of their misbehavior rather than save them and enable them to continue misbehaving? At the time, bailing them out of a jam seemed the right and loving thing to do.
Healthy, flexible attitude: It would probably have been better to let my children face the consequences of their misbehavior rather than rescue them. This likely contributed to further misbehavior. But I did appreciate what I was doing and did not have to respond to the challenge differently. When they got into trouble, I was frightened for their future and would bail them out due to my love for them. I am fallible and can negatively evaluate my judgment but choose to accept myself despite my wrong decisions. Hindsight is 20/20.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should have listened more to my children rather than always lecturing them.
Question: Although listening more would have been better, does thinking as you are yield good results now? If not, why not?
Healthy, flexible attitude: I now see it would have been better to have listened more to my children instead of always lecturing them, but unfortunately, I did not do this. I will listen to them better now as this is all I can do. Lecturing too much is a weakness of mine, which I could work on now. For that matter, I would do better to listen more in general. However, demanding that I had been a better listener is undermining my emotional well-being and it does not change the past. It does not yield good results and only leads to self-devaluation and unhealthy feelings.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should not have been so impatient and angry as a parent. Because I harmed my children, I am lesser as a person.
Question: What emotional cost are you paying for holding your rigid attitude?
Healthy, flexible attitude: I feel an unhealthy feeling of guilt because of this attitude. I certainly loved my children and did not intend to be impatient, angry, and harm them. I wish I had better control over my emotions, but it is false to think I absolutely should not have been as I was, and I absolutely had to do better. Even though my anger caused emotional scars, this does not mean it is valid to conclude that I had to have healthier emotional reactions. I am a fallible human who faced a great deal of stress over the years. My attitude is not an excuse, it does not alleviate my responsibility, but it is truthful and healthy at this point in the game to acknowledge I am a fallible human and that is why I did not have better control over my emotions. I regret my angry responses but feeling guilty won’t help my children or me.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should have practiced what I preached and been a better role model to my children. I am nothing more than a hypocrite.
Question: Although it is suitable for a parent to practice what they preach, many do not. What does this suggest about the challenge fallible humans have in implementing the wise teachings they espouse?
Healthy, flexible attitude: Although it is suitable for a parent to practice what they preach, it does not follow that they must do so. As a parent, I wanted what was best for my children, so they grew up well, and I tried to teach them how to act properly. I could have taken this beyond words to actions but did not have to do so. One expression of human fallibility is my difficulty in implementing what I know to be good ideas. Hypocrisy is the human condition in so far as all people act hypocritically at one time or another. I will choose to unconditionally accept my past hypocritical behavior and work hard to bring my behavior in line with my stated teachings.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should not have been so devoted to my career and absolutely should have spent more time with my children. I am a selfish, bad person.
Question: Although it would have been better for you not to have devoted so much time to your career and thereby free up more to spend with your children, is there evidence that you had to do this? Is it helpful to define yourself as a selfish, bad person?
Healthy, flexible attitude: There is no evidence that I absolutely should have been less devoted to my career and had to spend more time with my children. I now wish I had carved out more time for my kids, but my selfishness over the years does not make me a bad person. It proves I am a fallible human. I am responsible for how I used my time over the years but making myself feel guilty and devaluing myself does not do much good. I will choose to feel healthy regret and devote more time to my relationship with my children if they are willing to share their time with me.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should have made more money and been a better provider for my children. I am a lesser because I was not a good provider for my children.
Question: What is the emotional cost of thinking this way? Do these attitudes do me any good?
Healthy, flexible attitude: I wish I had made more money to provide for my children better, but I did not have to do so. I tried to do well with my children and thinking this way only makes me feel depressed. Making a good living is not so easy. I will choose to accept myself unconditionally. I can acknowledge that it would have been better if I could have made more money as a provider for my children and then choose not to devalue myself for not having been able to do this for them. I provided them the best I could, and I will accept this.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should not have been so hard on my son and daughter.
Question: Does this attitude yield good results?
Healthy, flexible attitude: I now wish I had not been so hard on my children. I intended to keep them out of trouble and on a good path. Maybe I could have done this without being so hard on them, but it is not true I had to be easier on them. I can acknowledge it might have been better to be softer with my children and do that now. Playing the role of a parent is very difficult, and I will choose to accept myself unconditionally with the demeanor I showed my children as they were growing up.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should not have mixed up my ego in the performances and achievements of my son and daughter.
Question: What evidence can you point to that would support this assertion?
Healthy, flexible attitude: No evidence supports it. At first, there appears there is, but there is not. Because I mixed my ego in the performance and achievement of my son and daughter, I contributed to stress and pressure that did not do them much good. I wish I had learned to unconditionally accept myself and not rate myself by using my kids’ performances and achievements as a way of propping up my ego. Nevertheless, I did this unhealthy thing. It was not good to do, but it proves I am a fallible human. I will choose to accept myself even though I did this ego-based parenting long ago. I did not have to act more healthily in my relationship with my kids, even though that would have been far better to do.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should have shown my children more respect. I am a jerk for having been so disrespectful.
Question: How does acting disrespectfully towards my children make me a jerk?
Healthy, flexible attitude: I wish I had the perspective and awareness then that I have now, but life is a learning process. As a fallible human, I did not appreciate how disrespectfully I was acting. I had a blind spot, proving I am a fallible human. It is an overstatement to say I am a jerk. I did not have to show my kids more respect, even though I wish I had. I will change how I act now and express my regret to them. Devaluing myself as a jerk will only lead me to suffer. I would be well advised to head the words of Seneca, who said, “There is no person so severely punished as those who subject themselves to the whip of their own remorse.”
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should not have tried to control my children.
Question: Does this attitude help me live well today?
Healthy, flexible attitude: This attitude only leads me to judge myself based on what now appears to be not a good way of parenting my children. When I became a new parent, I did not get an owner’s manual at the hospital. I tried to “control” them out of love, not because I wanted to harm them. Maybe it was self-serving because I am impatient and have emotional problems. I wish I had not been so “controlling” at times, but unfortunately, I probably was that way. The universe permits parents to overdo a good thing. I did not have to do better, no matter how much damage it did or how much better it would have been to do otherwise. I will accept myself despite now seeing I overdid a good thing.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should have apologized to my children when I realized I acted wrongly.
Question: Although it would have been better to apologize to your children, does this attitude help you function effectively now? If not, why not?
Healthy, flexible attitude: It would have been better to apologize to my children when I realized I acted wrongly. This attitude does not help me function effectively now. I feel shameful and guilty, which does not allow me to apologize now, which I still could do. If I accept my failures, I will not create shame that comes from falling short of my standards and devaluing myself. Shame and guilt lead me to hide from them. I will choose to accept myself unconditionally and then courageously act and apologize now. I cannot change the past, but I can think, feel and act differently in the present. How they react is beyond my control. I will focus on what is now in my control and accept their reaction to my apology.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: Because alcohol brought out the worst in me and made it next to impossible for my children to have a satisfying relationship with me, I absolutely should not have drunk as much alcohol as I did over the years.
Question: Does this attitude yield good results. Is it logical?
Healthy, flexible attitude: This attitude does not lead to good results because it will lead to guilt and shame. It is also illogical. Alcohol certainly brought out the worst in me, made it next to impossible for my children to have a satisfying relationship with me. Alcohol undermined a healthy relationship with my children and is the best reason why it would have been far better if I had not drunk as much alcohol as I did over the years. Sadly, fallible humans with emotional problems sometimes utilize poor solutions, and alcohol is a poor solution to emotional problems. I will not compound my emotional problems by devaluing myself. I will accept myself even though I chose the wrong way to manage my emotional issues, commit to a healthier approach like REBT philosophy, and try to apologize and make amends with my children. If they do not forgive me, I will unconditionally accept them and their rejection.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should have supported the career choice my child was most interested in pursuing instead of pushing them to become a doctor.
Questions: Can we assume you were well-intentioned, even if somewhat ego-involved in this matter? If yes, then how does this attitude yield good results now?
Healthy, flexible attitude: I now see I was mixing my ego into the matter and had good intentions as I wanted my child to have a better life than I had with more job security and wealth. This attitude does not change what I did but is the foundation for my guilt and shame. I wish I had been healthier and not mixed my ego into my child’s career, but unfortunately, I could not stop myself from doing this. Parents do not have to keep their egos out of their relationships with their children, even if it would be far healthier to do so. There may not be much more to do now other than accept what I did, apologize for doing it, and try to avoid doing it going forward.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I should not have given my oldest daughter as much responsibility for caring for her siblings.
Question: Does holding this rigid attitude yield good results at this stage of the game?
Healthy, flexible attitude: I now see I gave my oldest daughter too much responsibility in caring for her siblings, but unfortunately, I was overwhelmed. I wish I had not done this, but sadly I did. Perhaps it would have been better to have had a smaller family. However, I did not have to do better, even though I wish I had. Unfortunately, the universe permits parents to make all sorts of mistakes. I will acknowledge it would have been better not to have given my oldest daughter so much responsibility and thank her for how she helped me raise her younger siblings.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should not have pushed my religious and political beliefs as strongly as I did onto my children. I absolutely should have encouraged them to think on their own.
Question: Although teaching my children to think on their own about religion and politics would have been better to do, did I absolutely have to do this? What evidence supports the attitude I absolutely had to do better in this regard?
Healthy, flexible attitude: I acknowledge that it would have been better if I had helped my children to think on their own about religion and politics, but there is no evidence to be found which supports that I absolutely had to do this. Perhaps I might encourage them to start to do this type of independent thinking now. At the time, I thought I was teaching them correctly, but I now see perhaps that was not what would have been best.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should not have used guilt or the withdrawal of love as a way of influencing my children’s behavior.
Question: Does making yourself feel guilty for using an unhealthy parenting tactic when raising your children yield good results?
Healthy, flexible attitude: Making myself feel guilty for using what I have come to see as an unhealthy parenting tactic does not yield good results. I will choose to accept myself despite having used this harmful tactic, and I will encourage my children to unconditionally accept themselves despite any messages to the contrary I may have given them in the past. I will follow the notion of condemning the behavior but unconditionally accepting myself and others when there is misbehavior. Blaming people is at the heart of guilt, and all humans are not condemnable because they are fallible. I wish I had not used guilt to influence my children, but I did not know a better way of interacting with them.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should have spoken to my kids about sex instead of avoiding this awkward subject and leaving it to others. My kids suffered for my failure to educate them.
Question: Does this attitude yield good results? If not, why not?
Healthy, flexible attitude: This attitude does not lead to good results. It makes me feel guilty and shameful. I wish I had spoken to my kids about sex instead of avoiding this awkward subject and leaving it to others, but sadly this was something I failed to do. They probably suffered for my failure to educate them. Their adults now, and there is not much I can do about this now. I can unconditionally accept myself as a well-meaning parent who had limitations in this regard.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should not have pushed my child to bear children (i.e., make me a grandparent) for my sake. This kind of pressure was a selfish thing to do.
Question: Does this attitude yield good results? If not, why?
Healthy, flexible attitude: It was very misguided to push my child to bear children (i.e., make me a grandparent) for my sake. It was selfish, unwise, but I did it. It is not true that I absolutely should not have put this kind of pressure on them. Does it make me a bad person? No, it doesn’t, but it remains a bad thing to have done as raising a child is a huge commitment and attempting to persuade my child to have a child for my sake is a great injustice. It proves I am a fallible human who put myself first. I put myself first and my child a distant second in placing this pressure on them. I will acknowledge this and choose to accept myself unconditionally.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should have accepted my son’s sexual orientation and choice of partner.
Question: What evidence can point to which would support this attitude?
Healthy, flexible attitude: I wish I had made it easier on my son and accepted his sexual orientation, but sadly I did not. I did not have to do the better thing though I certainly wish I had. I was too ego involved and rigid about how he was absolutely supposed to live his life. I did not accept reality and tried to force my will on reality. That did not generate good results for him and me. I will accept myself but down my failure to accept my son’s sexual orientation and choice of partner.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should have stood shoulder to shoulder with my spouse to influence my children instead of undercutting their efforts.
Question: What impact does this attitude have on you now? What philosophy towards your past behavior would serve you better?
Healthy, flexible attitude: Effective parental management of children is standing shoulder to shoulder with one’s spouse and working on disagreement when it occurs behind closed doors. It would have been better if I had presented a unified front with my spouse and tried to compromise to stay unified. Children do best when they do not split their parents and get a single loving, consistent message from their parents. I wish I had done better, but sadly I did not. The universe permits mismanagement of children by uncoordinated, disagreeing, fallible parents. I will accept myself but acknowledge that not supporting my spouse and standing shoulder to shoulder with them was an ineffective parenting mistake that likely contributed to my child’s misbehavior.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should not have abandoned my children after the divorce.
Question: Does this attitude yield good results now, years after I abandoned my children? What philosophy will serve me better?
Healthy, flexible attitude: Given my current perspective on abandoning my children after the divorce, I will feel bad about my actions. The question is do I feel healthy remorse or unhealthy guilt. The above attitude will lead to unhealthy guilt because I will rate and devalue myself as a bad person for having abandoned my children after the divorce. Many factors were involved in my abandonment. I could accept myself and feel healthy regret for leaving them. My regrettable decision proves I have my limitations and I am fallible. With my regret, I can try to establish a relationship with them now if they will have one with me. If they choose to reject me, I will unconditionally accept them and unconditionally accept my life without them. It would be better to have them in my life to try, but I had better accept my decision and their reaction. I also had better unconditionally accept my former spouse and whatever role she factored into my decision. Unhealthy anger will not serve me well.
Rigid, unhealthy attitude: I absolutely should not have used my children as pawns to express my anger towards my divorced spouse. It was so harmful to my children.
Question: Even though it was very unhealthy for my children to be used as pawns to express my anger towards my divorced spouse, does it make sense to conclude I absolutely should not have done this?
Healthy, flexible attitude: Even though I was so unhealthy to use my children as pawns to express my anger towards my divorced spouse, it is not sensible to conclude I absolutely should not have done that. I am a fallible human who could not manage my anger, and this tactic proves my imperfect nature and my emotional skills deficit. I can condemn myself for my actions and live with unhealthy guilt and defensiveness. I will acknowledge how unhealthy this was for my children, take responsibility for its impact on their development, try to do what I can now to help them, and unconditionally accept myself with my regrettable strategy that came at the expense of my children. After previous bad decisions, making a wrong decision does not lead to a good decision.
Final Thoughts
Parenting is perhaps the most challenging role a person can play in life. There are some sensible guidelines to follow. However, given all the challenges and difficulties of parenting, I believe parenting is also an art. Every parent makes mistakes. Acknowledge how you could have done things better but in the end, choose to accept yourself unconditionally. Devaluing yourself and making yourself feel guilt and shame will only add to your problems. You cannot change the past. Change what you can and accept what you cannot.