Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) aims to free people from unhealthy emotional reactions humans all too easily experience. As fallible humans, we tend to demand perfection in ourselves, others, and even of the conditions of life. REBT is a leading psychotherapeutic approach for overcoming perfectionism because it targets the rigid and extreme attitudes which are at the foundation of perfectionism.
There is a difference between having exacting standards of performance and perfectionism. Those who have high standards of performance are not burdened by unhealthy emotions and able to efficiently work towards their goal until they experience the output or product they desire. They do not delay at starting a task. They do the task and allow themselves to learn from experience. They become expert at the task or skill because they are able to accept doing it poorly as part of the process of cultivating expertise.
People who struggle with perfectionism often have periods of great unhappiness associated with their perfectionism. They will agonize over something they want to do or are required to do but avoid doing the task or project. Often at the last minute, the lack of time helps force them to do what they have been avoiding. If they had started on their project sooner, they would have had more time to do it, revise it, and improve it. Last minute performances do not allow for revisions and improvements. I often tell the patients I work with who procrastinate that it is difficult to become an expert at something they avoid doing. Many of these patients have very high standards and want to become very good at a particular task but because they are unwilling to either turn in a poor performance, less than perfect performance, or outright fail, they avoid what the psychologist John Dewey called “learning by doing.” When we do a task, we have been procrastinating on doing, the experience affords us experiential learning. By avoiding the initial attempt, we do not learn from doing it that initial time. This concept of experiential learning or learning by doing applies whether we are trying to write computer code, write a paper, or follow a complex recipe. Humans learn by doing. If we do not do, then we fail to learn. Experts only get to be expert by spending hours doing the very thing they ultimately become expert in.
The unhealthy emotions behind procrastination include anxiety, shame, and depression. Although we may procrastinate due to an unwillingness to bear discomfort, it is often the case that we procrastinate due to our tendency to demand perfection and rate ourselves as lesser when we imagine doing less than ideally well. The themes of these emotions are slightly different. With anxiety we are linking some aspect of the task or how our performance is judged by others with our self-esteem. With shame we are aware we are falling short of some ideal standard and linking that display of inadequate performance with our self-esteem. When a person procrastinates and then turns in poor work that is rushed at the last minute, they may experience depression. In this case the theme would be failure which is linked to a diminution in self-esteem. Regardless of the theme and associated emotion, you should take note that the procrastinating individual has a problem with self-denigration. Said another way, people who have a tendency to procrastinate lack unconditional self-acceptance. They have high standards, demand they meet those standards, fear performing poorly before they act, feel shame after they act less than ideally, and then down themselves for either procrastinating or performing less than ideally.
REBT theory argues that fallible humans go from wanting to do something very well to demanding that they do well. The mindset might be fully stated as “This task is important to me. I want to do it well. Therefore, I absolutely must do it well. If I fail or fall short of my ideal standard, which I know I very well could, that will make me lesser as a person or wholly inadequate as a person.”
Overcoming perfectionism involves challenging this pernicious mindset, cultivating a healthy mindset to rehearse, and most importantly forcing oneself to act on that healthy new mindset. It is only when the procrastinators go against the grain and allow themselves to act, choose not to wait to the last minute to do the task, or allow themselves to do something that others may observe them do less than ideally will their perfectionism start to erode. It is only when the person with problems procrastinating allows themselves to get out of their comfort zone and take a calculated risk will they begin to learn by doing and in the end, they may be pleasantly surprised by their performance.
Self-Defeating Attitude:
“This task is important to me. I want to do it well. Therefore, I absolutely must do it well. If I fail or fall short of my ideal standard, which I know I very well could, that will make me lesser as a person or wholly inadequate as a person.”
REBT Disputing questions:
Does my attitude help me cope with the challenge of doing this task and perhaps doing it poorly?
Answer: My attitude does not help me cope with the challenge of doing this task.
In what specific way is my attitude hindering me?
Answer: It is holding me back from doing the task. I waste time, agonize, and end up doing the task at the last minute leaving me no time to build upon my first attempt at the task. I also avoid trying new tasks and taking calculated risks and fail to learn by doing. I do not grow.
Is there evidence my attitude is true?
Answer: No. I cannot point to any evidence that I absolutely must do this important task well. I know there is always the possibility of doing the task poorly. This possibility exists even when I have previously done the task well.
If my attitude is false, why is it false?
Answer: It is false because there is no relationship between how important a task is and absolutely having to do it well or being incapable of doing it poorly. The universe does not have a law that prevents fallible humans from imperfect performances. Every day I witness errors, poor performances, mistakes, etc.
Would I teach my child to hold this attitude?
Answer: No
Why would I not teach my child to hold this attitude?
Answer: Because of several reasons. It tends to make life harder because the work does not get done but the person thinks about it and it weighs on their mind. It does not allow the individual to have sufficient time to learn from experience and then improve the work before the deadline. By demanding perfection, the individual never is satisfied with their best effort and can feel very shameful for doing less than ideally. The person then does not cultivate their talent because they avoid learning by doing. When we do, we learn. If we avoid we do not learn. There are so many reasons to not hold this attitude, but the best might be it makes one feel inadequate as a person. That is not a very ethical thing to do to oneself.
Effective New Philosophy towards doing a task when I have the impulse to procrastinate:
This task is important to me and therefore I wish to do it well. I know I do not have to do it perfectly well because there is no natural law of the universe, no external force, which will stop me from doing it poorly. I will start doing the task in advance of the deadline to have the benefit of time to learn from doing it and then improving upon my first stab at the task. As I imagine an imperfect outcome, experience fear of failure, or create shame when I think of falling short and being judged by others, I will reassure myself that this important task does not define my human value. My essence remains independent of the performance and the product of my effort. I will reassure myself I can choose to accept myself even if I am not pleased with the outcome of my efforts. I will also stick with the task because I know that I want to do it well and the best way to develop expertise is to do, practice, learn from experience, and then do again, and again.
Summary:
REBT is an effective philosophy for fallible humans who procrastinate. Although we may procrastinate due to an unwillingness to bear discomfort, it is often the case that we procrastinate due to our tendency to demand perfection and rate ourselves as lesser when we imagine doing less than ideally well. Cultivating unconditional self-acceptance frees the individual to do what they fear doing, doing that task poorly, and learning from the process of doing it multiple times. No one gets expert at any task they avoid. Use REBT to allow yourself to do whatever you may be procrastinating doing so that you live a full life and develop your skills and inherent abilities.