Assume that anxiety is the result of rigid and extreme beliefs about perceived threats. One type of anxiety, called ego anxiety, has to do with rigid and extreme beliefs about anticipated disapproval or criticism from significant others. The other type of anxiety, discomfort anxiety, has to do with rigid and extreme beliefs about situations or experiences that are uncomfortable.
Look for the rigid and extreme beliefs at the heart of your anxiety. Assume they are there, that they are tacit, and can be identified with a little reflection.
Ego anxiety rigid beliefs:
1. I must have the love and approval of significant others.
2. I must not appear foolish or inadequate.
Ego anxiety extreme beliefs:
1. It is awful not to have the love and approval of significant others.
2. It is awful not to have the benefits that go along with having the love and approval of significant others.
3. It is unbearable to not have the love and approval of significant others.
4. It is unbearable to be deprived of the benefits I accrue when I have the love and approval of significant others.
5. I am less worthwhile as a person when I do not have the love and approval of significant others.
6. I am less worthwhile as a person when I do not have the benefits that normally go with the love and approval of significant others.
Discomfort anxiety rigid beliefs:
1. I must remain comfortable at all times when living my life and pursuing my goals.
2. I must not be inconvenienced or obstructed when living my life and pursuing my goals.
3. I must not experience awkward feelings and difficult situations.
Discomfort anxiety extreme beliefs:
1. It is awful, terrible, and the end of the world if I am uncomfortable when living my life and pursuing my goals.
2. It is awful, terrible, and the end of the world to be inconvenienced or obstructed when living my life and pursuing my goals.
3. It is awful, terrible, and the end of the world to experience awkward feelings and difficult situations.
4. It is unbearable to be uncomfortable when living my life and pursuing my goals.
5. It is unbearable to be inconvenienced or obstructed when living my life and pursuing my goals.
6. It is unbearable to experience awkward feelings and difficult situations.
REBT Treatment for Ego Anxiety and Discomfort Anxiety
If you want to achieve lasting therapeutic change you will need to train yourself to spot beliefs like those listed above and to modify them to flexible (i.e. non-rigid) and non-extreme (i.e. moderate) beliefs. To do this question these beliefs. See that they are false, that is they are a myth, and they render you less able to function well in challenging situations. Then train yourself to change these false, mythical beliefs into rational, self-helping, flexible and non-extreme beliefs. Here are a few examples of alternative beliefs:
Flexible beliefs to counter ego anxiety:
1. I want the love and approval of significant others but never absolutely need it.
2. I want to avoid appearing foolish or inadequate to others but never have to avoid appearing so.
Non-extreme beliefs to counter ego-anxiety:
1. It is bad but not awful to not have the love and approval of significant others.
2. It is bad but not awful not to have the benefits that go along with having the love and approval of significant others.
3. It is bad but not awful not to have the love and approval of significant others.
4. It is bad but awful not to have the benefits that go along with having the love and approval of significant others.
5. It is uncomfortable to not have the love and approval of significant others but it is not unbearable.
6. It is uncomfortable to be deprived of the benefits I accrue when I have the love and approval of significant others but it is not unbearable.
7. I is unfortunate when I do not have the love and approval of significant others but I am not less worthwhile as a person when this occurs. I am a fallible human who does not have to rate myself on the lack of love and approval shown to me. I can accept myself unconditionally.
8. It is unfortunate when I do not have the benefits that normally go with the love and approval of significant others but I am not less worthwhile as a person when this occurs. I am a fallible human who does not have to rate myself on the benefits I derive from the love and approval I have or fail to have from significant others. I am a fallible human who can accept myself unconditionally.
Flexible beliefs to counter Discomfort anxiety:
1. I want to remain comfortable at all times when living my life and pursuing my goals but I do not have to remain comfortable. It is worth pursuing goals even when it is uncomfortable to do so.
2. I do not want to be inconvenienced or obstructed when living my life and pursuing my goals but I do not have to be spared of these things. It is worth pursuing goals even when there is inconvenience and obstructions to be surmounted.
3. I do not want to experience awkward feelings and difficult situations but I do not have to be spared of these things. Awkward feelings and difficult feelings are a part of life and I never have to disturb myself when I encounter these things.
Non-extreme beliefs to counter Discomfort anxiety:
1. It is bad if I am uncomfortable when living my life and pursuing my goals but it is not awful, terrible or the end of the world. It is only an inconvenience.
2. It is bad to be inconvenienced or obstructed when living my life and pursuing my goals but it is not awful, terrible, and the end of the world. It is only an inconvenience.
3. It is bad to experience awkward feelings and difficult situations but not awful, terrible, and the end of the world. It is only an inconvenience.
4. It is uncomfortable to be inconvenienced or obstructed when living my life and pursuing my goals but not unbearable. Addressing rather than avoiding these things is worthwhile and I am worth doing this for.
5. It is uncomfortable to experience awkward feelings and difficult situations but not unbearable. Experiencing these feelings and facing these situations rather than avoiding them is worthwhile and I am worth doing this for.
Humans can train themselves to think and act in rational ways and to control their emotions. It is not always easy to think in flexible and non-extreme ways when the going gets rough. REBT is an elegant philosophical system for teaching you how to use your ability to reason to take control of your emotions and to cope with your problems. Anxiety is very uncomfortable, and very self-defeating because it leads to avoiding the problem at hand and addictions of all kinds. If you give up your rigid and extreme beliefs you will feel healthy feelings of concern which will give you motivation to do what you can do to address the source of your anxiety and to achieve the outcomes you desire.