Who makes the primary contribution to what other people feel when you assert your wishes? Consider your position on this everyday interpersonal matter. It is not uncommon to hear a patient tell me they are reluctant to express themselves to another person because they do not want to hurt their feelings. When holding this position, the patient puts up with behaviors they may dislike because they cannot request something from another person that is well within their rights to make.
At the heart of the problem is a lack of conviction in REBT’s Principle of Emotional Responsibility. The philosophical position REBT takes is that we essentially disturb ourselves. Each of us is responsible for upsetting ourselves. When something occurs, it is our rigid and\or extreme attitudes that largely account for our disturbance. If I hold flexible and non-extreme attitudes, I will feel a healthy negative emotion such as disappointment or annoyance. My healthy feelings of disappointment are a function of my desire to be treated in a particular way, meeting with the other person’s behavior towards me. This principle also holds for the other party. If I ask them to cease doing something that I dislike, if they are hurt, ashamed, or angry, their unhealthy emotional reaction is mainly a function of their rigid and\or extreme attitudes about my assertive remark. Yes, my assertion interacts with their rigid and extreme attitudes but does not determine their unhealthy negative feelings. One might say I have given them an opportunity to disturb themselves. Still, in the final analysis, their rigid and extreme attitudes account for their disturbed emotional reactions to what I have said or done.
Unfortunately, people who know REBT philosophy may have intellectual appreciation for the Principle of Emotional Responsibility but do not live in harmony with this fundamental principle. As a result of their lack of conviction, they have difficulty asserting themselves for fear that they may hurt the other person’s feelings. Below are a few of the self-defeating, rigid, and extreme attitudes that may lead to their self-defeating passivity:
1. Because other people do not know REBT and believe I have the power to hurt their feelings, I am primarily responsible for hurting their feelings.
2. I must not hurt the feelings of others.
3. If the other person’s feelings were hurt when I asserted myself, I could not bear it.
4. It would be awful to see that they experienced hurt feelings in response to my assertion.
5. If they took my assertion badly and experienced hurt feelings, it would mean I am lesser of a person or a bad person.
REBT is a philosophy for maximizing pleasure and meaning in our lives while also minimizing pain. It is an emotionally liberating philosophy but can be challenging to implement. This challenge can be met, but one had better commit to overcoming their irrational, self-defeating instincts and disciplining their mind. REBT argues we have a right to put ourselves first and others a close second. It assumes this is a better way to live than putting others first and ourselves second. REBT’s stance puts the responsibility for my emotions and the attainment of my goals with me. I know what I want, I am most motivated to get what I want, and probably most competent to get for me what I want.
REBT philosophy does not encourage you to be insensitive to others or fail to consider how other people may feel when you assert yourself with them. REBT argues we live in a social world and it is also in our long-term best interest to have due regard and concern for the rights of others. However, concerned about how others may feel and react when we give them assertive feedback is not the same as responsibility for their feelings. We may contribute to how they react. We may give them an opportunity to disturb themselves when we assert ourselves. However, other people ultimately are responsible for their emotional disturbance when we interact with them. I will now examine at the aforementioned rigid and extreme attitudes and challenge them.
Self-inhibiting attitude: Because other people do not know REBT and believe I have the power to hurt their feelings, I am primarily responsible for hurting their feelings.
Self-liberating alternative attitude: Where is the logic in coming to this conclusion? How does it follow that their lack of awareness of how their emotional reactions are formed by their rigid and extreme attitudes makes you responsible for disturbing their feelings? They may believe you have caused their disturbance, but it does not make their conclusion accurate. They also may believe in many other myths, but it does not make those myths real. Given that they think this way means that they may disapprove of you because they believe you have, indeed, hurt their feelings. To remain emotionally liberated, you will need to maintain a desire to be approved by them but not transform this desire into a rigid need for approval. If you hold an absolute need for approval from them, you will be anxious about hurting their feelings. You will behave as if you buy into their model of emotional disturbance, assume responsibility for their emotional disturbance and probably have a very difficult time asserting yourself with them. Do you really want to live this way? Is proceeding this way in your relationship with them in your long-term best interest?
Self-inhibiting attitude: I must not hurt their feelings.
Self-liberating alternative attitude: If I act disrespectfully and disregard their rights, perhaps I have in a way hurt them. It would be better if I did not do this for them and me. I do not want to treat people badly, but sadly I sometimes may. I will not disregard their rights. As a fallible human, I will occasionally misbehave, and when I do, and this negatively impacts another, I will acknowledge what I have done and apologize. As I do this, though, I will refuse to define myself as a bad person, refuse to condemn myself, and unconditionally accept myself. I will also strive not to repeat my misbehavior.
Self-inhibiting attitude: If the other person’s feelings were hurt when I asserted myself, I could not bear it.
Self-liberating alternative attitude: It would be painful for me to witness another person experiencing hurt feelings in response to my assertion, but it would be false to the facts to conclude it would be unbearable. There is a great deal of evidence I can bear such awkward and uncomfortable moments. It is hard to imagine that I have managed to live up till now without having come in contact with someone who experienced hurt feelings in response to something I innocently or not so innocently said. It would be worth bearing this pain because if I cannot live with another’s hurt feelings, I may very well have a great deal of trouble asserting myself with them. I become a prisoner of their neurotic sensitivity.
Self-inhibiting attitude: It would be awful to see that they experienced hurt feelings in response to my assertion.
Self-liberating alternative attitude: It would be bad, not awful, to see that they experienced hurt feelings in response to my assertion but not awful. Thinking what I have done as awful is an extreme evaluation of a bad event and implies this absolutely must not have occurred. It is false to believe they must not experience hurt feelings regardless of who they are to me. They will live with the experience, which is evidence that things could be worse for them and me. I am not setting out to hurt them, but I also have a right to set limits with others and look after my interests. Life is messy, and sometimes someone feels badly as a result of well-meaning interaction. Good can come from bad in so far as they may have a greater awareness of their negative interpersonal behavior due to my asserting myself with them.
Self-inhibiting attitude: If they took my assertion badly and experienced hurt feelings, it would mean I am lesser of a person or a bad person.
Self-liberating alternative attitude: If they took my feedback and experienced hurt feelings, that would not validly define me as a lesser person or a bad person. My behavior can never define or stand for my total self. When I assert myself and the other person feels hurt, there is no logic in concluding that my human worth is diminished. It is unfortunate their feelings have been bruised but avoid jumping to the illogical conclusion you are a lesser person or a bad person because they experienced hurt feelings. Your behavior never determines your self-worth.
The zeitgeist may very well reinforce the attribution that others hurt our feelings. In my view, this creates a victimhood mindset that does not help us to interact with one another in a healthy way. If you are dealing with neurotically sensitive people, weigh the practical consequences of what may happen if they disturb themselves when you appropriately assert yourself with them. For example, assume you have a neurotic, overly sensitive supervisor at work. It may be in your long-term best interest not to assert yourself at every opportunity. However, pick your spots and do not use their rank and predicted neurotic response as an excuse for allowing them to always have their way with you. REBT acknowledges that life is messy and is an art. Exercising good practical judgement is in your long-term best interest. It is sometimes prudent to keep your thoughts to yourself. However, people often make excuses and rationalizations and back off of the awkward moment when they could stay something they would like to get off their chest when it is well worth doing. Under these circumstances, the above rational attitudes will free you to speak your mind respectfully and tactfully.
Your homework from this intermittent email message: Act upon an opportunity to risk social disapproval. When there is an awkward moment where it would be worth asserting yourself, go and do it. Push yourself to assert yourself when you objectively believe the practical gain will be sufficient to warrant any adverse reaction demonstrated by the other person when you do this. Tell yourself: “It is uncomfortable for me to assert myself here, not unbearable. I want to be my own person, and I can bear this discomfort. It is worth doing, and I am worth doing it for. Now go and do it, no excuses!”
Note: On Saturdays, I hold a free Zoom conversation hour where I take a volunteer and discuss one of their problems. If you have an emotional problem you would like to discuss with me, perhaps you will volunteer and I will show you how to think in a more effective way about your problem. I will show you the rigid and extreme attitudes that are leading to your self-defeating emotions and holding you back from achieving your goals.
This Zoom meeting place every Saturday at the following times:
Philadelphia (USA – Pennsylvania) Saturdays at 9:00:00 am EDT UTC-4 hours
London (United Kingdom – England) Saturdays at 2:00:00 pm BST UTC+1 hour
Paris (France – Île-de-France) Saturdays at 3:00:00 pm CEST UTC+2 hours
Bucharest (Romania) Saturdays at 4:00:00 pm EEST UTC+3 hours
Moscow (Russia – Moscow) Saturdays at 4:00:00 pm MSK UTC+3 hours
Kabul (Afghanistan) Saturdays at 5:30:00 pm AFT UTC+4:30 hours
Karachi (Pakistan – Sindh) Saturdays at 6:00:00 pm PKT UTC+5 hours
New Delhi (India – Delhi) Saturdays at 6:30:00 pm IST UTC+5:30 hours
Tokyo (Japan) Saturdays at 10:00:00 pm JST UTC+9 hours
Sydney (Australia – New South Wales) Sundays at 12:00:00 midnight AEDT UTC+11 hours
Corresponding UTC (GMT) Saturdays at 13:00:00
To receive your invitation, join my Intermittent Reinforcement email list. The weekly conversation hour’s meeting link, ID, passcode and other access information will be distributed to attendees through my Intermittent Reinforcement email distribution list. To join this list, go to the upper right-hand corner of this page and submit your email address. Once you receive the meeting link, ID, and passcode once you will use the same link each week to access the Zoom conversation hour. There is no need to re-register to attend each week. The Zoom meeting at the present time is limited to 500 attendees. If you cannot attend via Zoom go to my Facebook page where I livestream the conversation. My Facebook page can be found at https://www.facebook.com/walter.matweychuk