Teach your child to laugh at himself. Human beings are a funny race. They are incredibly inconsistent; They almost routinely practice, almost the exact opposite of what they preach; they behave with enormous stupidity even when they are unusually bright; they make the most ludicrous boners from birth to death, from morning to night, from country to country. Since your child is more than likely to contribute his share, and perhaps a few extra dividends, to the fount of human inanity, why not let him know that it often is funny when he puts his foot in his mouth and unsteadily hops around on his other leg until he bumps his nose into something.
This does not mean, of course, that you should laugh at your child’s silly antics and ridicule him for being a human boob. It means, rather, that you should laugh good naturedly at yourself, and man in general, and at– or with– your youngster, too; for he like the rest of us, is not to be taken too seriously, and is certainly not expected to be a saint. – Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
In Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), we teach people to unconditionally accept themselves and others while remaining responsible for their actions. We teach that people have aliveness and are complex, error-prone, and in a state of flux and, therefore, cannot be rated as people. In other words, we cannot objectively weigh the intrinsic value of ourselves and others. We can arbitrarily define a person’s inherent worth at our emotional peril by thinking of ourselves as unworthy failures, losers, etc. REBT philosophy teaches that while we cannot rate a human’s essence, we can rate a person’s actions as good or bad, effective or ineffective, and the person and others can learn from the ratings of a person’s doings. We can rate an individual’s extrinsic value and rank the order of that extrinsic value. Some people do extraordinary things that benefit many people as a result. Always bear in mind that we bury in the cemeteries men and women of significant extrinsic value alongside those who lead less impactful lives, a humbling thought. Death is the great equalizer. For this reason, REBT philosophy teaches that there are no great women or men, even though some people accomplish outstanding achievements.
The Philosophy of Equal Human Worth
A core tenet of REBT is the philosophy of equal intrinsic worth. REBT argues that human essence is too complex to evaluate and rank order. With this premise, the individual can non-defensively acknowledge the varying degrees of extrinsic value different people provide to society while unconditionally accepting themselves. This philosophy frees individuals from unhealthy emotions that lead to harmful, self-defeating behavior. Shame and essential inadequacy are not a problem for those with unconditional self-acceptance. They are free to take calculated risks to maximize their human enjoyment. They can face their failures and rejections while experiencing only healthy disappointment that they did not achieve their goal. They do not suffer from shame and inhibition. These unconditionally self-accepting individuals stand in contrast to those who strut puffed up, overtly or covertly, due to their high regard for their intrinsic value. This prideful vulnerability comes from arbitrarily defining their inherent value based on their assessment of their extrinsic value and achievements. Vulnerability to insults is not a problem for individuals living the philosophy of equal human worth regardless of how talented, achieving, or impactful they are to society or who disrespects them and hurls an insult. Consistent with the philosophy of equal human worth and unconditional self-acceptance, we encourage people to live their only life according to their goals and values to enjoy themselves maximally rather than prove themselves (as worthy humans).
An Alternative Definition of Emotional Disturbance
Albert Ellis argued that one way of defining emotional disturbance was to take yourself, others, and life too seriously or not seriously enough. There was great fun and laughter when I was a psychologist training with him at the Institute. Ellis modeled the spirit of not taking things too seriously or not seriously enough. As a result of his philosophy of equal human worth, we could debate his ideas as we struggled to learn this alternative paradigm and think things through with one another, thereby deepening our learning of REBT.
The Bottomline
The message of today’s email is to strive not to take yourself, others, or life too seriously or not seriously enough. Both extremes lead to self-created, unhealthy, negative emotions and self-defeating behavior. Teach yourself, your children, and your loved ones this powerful philosophy of unconditional self-acceptance and personal responsibility for happiness.
Reference
Ellis, A., Moseley, S., & Wolfe, J. (1966). How to Raise An Emotionally Healthy, Happy Child. Melvin Powers Wilshire Book Company.