Humans are highly imperfect and fragile. We are social animals who thrive on relationships with other humans. Relationships with significant others are often frayed or ended by the experience of unhealthy hurt. It is sad when people become estranged from family and friends due to hurt feelings. People sometimes are uncomfortable acknowledging feelings of hurt. Instead of acknowledging hurt, the individual displays anger. Anger is a more empowering emotion while hurt communicates or suggests that one has been wounded in the interpersonal domain of life. Some people are prone to putting themselves down or seeing themselves as having a weakness for experiencing hurt. Some are more comfortable displaying anger instead. They, therefore, may deny their feelings of hurt.
A person can only feel hurt if they value the relationship and consider it a significant one in their life. One does not experience hurt because of an interpersonal transgression with an acquaintance or a stranger. With an acquaintance or stranger, they will feel unhealthy anger. To be at risk of feeling hurt, one has to consider the relationship with the other as personally meaningful. They have to value it.
What makes relationships challenging is that although we are interdependent social beings, we also are unique and see things from our frame of reference. When relating to a significant other, we may think that the other person is investing less in our relationship than we are. We see them reciprocating with less than what we believe is our due; interpersonal deservingness is crucial. It is not necessarily true that there is less investment in the relationship by the other party. It only must be inferred by the individual feeling hurt that this is the case. They feel, in a sense, wounded by the insufficient involvement in the relationship by the other person.
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is the only cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) that clearly distinguishes between healthy and unhealthy negative emotions. Thanks to the exceptional work of Dr. Windy Dryden, who has extended the REBT theory of Dr. Albert Ellis, REBT therapists are in a unique position to educate their clients about different healthy and unhealthy negative emotions. REBT therapists can significantly help their clients by educating them on their emotional choices relating to significant others. A person can react with unhealthy feelings of hurt when they perceive an imbalance in investment in one of their important relationships or feel healthy sorrow. Individuals who can respond to interpersonal problems with healthy feelings of sorrow are more likely to make constructive attempts to improve their relationships than those who characteristically react with self-defeating feelings of hurt. With their feelings of healthy sorrow, they stand a better chance of getting more out of the relationship or can enjoy what is available to them in a healthy way because they avoid a self-defeating response to the perceived emotional investment differential.
Unfortunately, most people do not get educated in healthy emotional reactions. It seems as if we expect each other to learn about emotions and display healthy emotional reactions without formal instruction. As an REBT psychotherapist, I encourage my clients to study the characteristics of the eight basic negative emotions as delineated by Dr. Dryden in his book Understanding Emotional Problems And Their Healthy Alternatives – The REBT Perspective. Effective self-help in REBT requires an awareness of the components of the ABC model. By doing such a study of the eight basic emotions, the individual can better use the ABC model of REBT in a maximally effective way. By knowing the unique characteristics of healthy and unhealthy negative emotions, the individual has a better chance of accurately identifying the element of the Adversity at (A) that they are most distressed about, known as the Critical (A). They also are better able to identify their specific unhealthy feeling, behaviors, and thinking consequences at (C). When the individual is aware of the components at (A) and at (C) of a particular unhealthy emotional reaction, they can more quickly and accurately identify the rigid and extreme attitudes they hold at (B). These clients are sophisticated users of REBT theory and help themselves more effectively with it.
Unhealthy Hurt and Healthy Sorrow have the Same Inferences at (A)
When people are disturbing themselves in relationships with significant others, they make an inference about what they think is going on in their “reality.” They make an inference that something is undermining their relationship happiness. They may infer something is missing in their relationship. In REBT, this is called the Adversity or (A). Both unhealthy hurt and healthy sorrow are emotional reactions that will include the same inferences. A comprehensive but not exhaustive list of inferences associated with unhealthy hurt or healthy sorrow include:
- Being insufficiently valued or appreciated by the significant other
- Being betrayed by the significant other
- Being shown insufficient attention or being neglected by the significant other
- Being unfairly excluded or rejected by the significant other
- Being deprived of what one thinks one deserves from the significant other
- Being disrespected by the significant other
- Being unfairly criticized or misunderstood by the significant other
- Being disapproved or insufficiently supported in some way by the significant other
REBT argues that it is not the Adversity at (A), nor your inference at (A), that determines your unhealthy emotional reactions. Instead, REBT theory argues it is your rigid and extreme attitudes at (B), your Basic Attitudes, about what you think is going on that more significantly determines whether you feel unhealthy hurt or healthy sorrow at (C). Below are examples of possible rigid and extreme attitudes giving rise to hurt or the likely flexible and non-extreme alternative attitudes at (B), which give rise to healthy sorrow. As you review the below list, keep in mind that rigid and extreme attitudes set the stage for you to feel unhealthy hurt while flexible and non-extreme attitudes allow you to feel healthy sorrow.
Examples of Unhealthy Hurt’s Rigid and Extreme Attitudes and Healthy Sorrow’s Flexible and Non-Extreme Alternatives at (B)
Note: An unhealthy rigid and a healthy flexible attitude exists for each inference listed above. Due to space limitations, I will limit my discussion to only two inferences listed above. The first inference is where the individual sees themself as insufficiently valued by the significant other. The second inference is where the individual concludes that they have been betrayed by the significant other.
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Rigid attitude: You must value our relationship as much as I value it.
(C) Unhealthy Consequence: Unhealthy hurt and self-defeating behavior
Or
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Flexible attitude: I wish you would value our relationship as much as I value it, but I acknowledge it is your right not to and do not have to invest in it as much as I do.
(C) Healthy Consequence: Healthy sorrow and assertive, self-helping behavior
____________
(A) Inference: You have betrayed me!
(B) Rigid attitude: You must not betray me!
(C) Unhealthy Consequence: Unhealthy hurt and self-defeating behavior
Or
(A) Inference: You have betrayed me!
(B) Flexible attitude: I would never want you to betray me, but sadly you can. Your act shows you do not have to stand by me despite the fact I have stood by you.
(C) Healthy Consequence: Healthy sorrow and assertive, self-helping behavior
_______________
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Extreme attitude: I cannot bear that you value our relationship less than I value it.
(C) Unhealthy Consequence: Unhealthy hurt and self-defeating behavior
Or
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Non-extreme attitude: It is hard to face that you value our relationship less than I value it, but it is not unbearable to acknowledge this. I can bear this, and I am willing to because the relationship still has value to me.
C) Healthy Consequence: Healthy sorrow and assertive, self-helping behavior
_____________
(A) Inference: You have betrayed me!
(B) Extreme attitude: I cannot bear that you have betrayed me!
(C) Unhealthy Consequence: Unhealthy hurt and self-defeating behavior
Or
(A) Inference: You have betrayed me!
(B) Non-extreme attitude: It is painful to acknowledge that you have betrayed me, but it is not intolerable to acknowledge your betrayal. I can bear it and may choose to remain in the relationship if I decide it remains worth it to do so.
C) Healthy Consequence: Healthy sorrow and assertive, self-helping behavior
______________
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Extreme attitude: It is awful that you do not value our relationship as much as I value it.
(C) Unhealthy Consequence: Unhealthy hurt and self-defeating behavior
Or
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Non-extreme attitude: It is very bad for me that you do not value our relationship as much as I value it but not awful. Worse things could happen to me in my relationship with you. I can choose to accept the relationship, ask for what I want, and accept what I get or not accept it. Not upsetting myself will enable me to make a healthy decision.
C) Healthy Consequence: Healthy sorrow and assertive, self-helping behavior
____________
(A) Inference: You have betrayed me!
(B) Extreme attitude: It is awful you have betrayed me.
(C) Unhealthy Consequence: Unhealthy hurt and self-defeating behavior
Or
(A) Inference: You have betrayed me!
(B) Non-extreme attitude: It is very painful for me to acknowledge that you have betrayed me, but it is not awful. Worse things could happen to me than your betrayal. I can accept what has happened, ask for it not to happen again, or terminate the relationship. A healthy emotional state will enable me to make the best decision.
(C) Healthy Consequence: Healthy sorrow and assertive, self-helping behavior
____________
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Extreme attitude: You are lesser as a person for not valuing our relationship as much as I value it.
(C) Unhealthy Consequence: Unhealthy hurt and self-defeating behavior
Or
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Non-extreme attitude: You are not lesser as a person for not valuing our relationship as much as I value it. Your worth as a person cannot be measured by how much less you value me and our relationship than I do. Regardless of how much or little you value our relationship, you remain a fallible person.
(C) Healthy Consequence: Healthy sorrow and assertive, self-helping behavior
____________
(A) Inference: You have betrayed me!
(B) Extreme attitude: You are a bad person for betraying me.
(C) Unhealthy Consequence: Unhealthy hurt and self-defeating behavior
Or
(A) Inference: You have betrayed me!
(B) Non-extreme attitude: You are never a bad person for betraying me. You have betrayed me and are responsible for your decision to do so but that does not make you into a mythical creature of a bad person. It is best for me to stick to the facts. You are a fallible person who betrayed me.
(C) Healthy Consequence: Healthy sorrow and assertive, self-helping behavior
____________
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Extreme attitude: The world is a totally bad for allowing people like me to be valued insufficiently by significant others.
(C) Unhealthy Consequence: Unhealthy hurt and self-defeating behavior
Or
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Non-extreme attitude: Even though you can value me insufficiently does not make the world totally bad. The world is a place where both good and bad things occur. To think of the world as a totally bad place does not help me live in it and cope with good and bad things that happen.
(C) Healthy Consequence: Healthy sorrow and assertive, self-helping behavior
_____________
(A) Inference: You have betrayed me!
(B) Extreme attitude: Life is completely bad when I am betrayed by a significant other.
(C) Unhealthy Consequence: Unhealthy hurt and self-defeating behavior
Or
(A) Inference: You have betrayed me!
(B) Non-extreme attitude: Life is not completely bad when I am betrayed by a significant other. Life is a mix of good, bad, and neutral, with betrayal by an important other a painful aspect of life. Despite this sad occurrence, life remains a mix of good, bad, and neutral parts and experiences.
(C) Healthy Consequence: Healthy sorrow and assertive, self-helping behavior
Thinking Consequences of Unhealthy Hurt and Healthy Sorrow at (C)
People have complex reactions. Our reactions include a feeling and urge to act or a behavioral expression. However, once under the influence of an emotion, our ability to evaluate and make new inferences can become impaired by the presence of our unhealthy hurt. Our subsequent evaluation of what is then going on in “reality” can be distorted or realistic. Below are the distorted thinking consequences associated with unhealthy hurt and the alternative realistic consequences of healthy sorrow. These new inferences are located at (C) in the ABC model.
(A) Inference: My significant other is treating me in an undeserved way.
(B) Rigid attitude: You must not treat me so undeservingly.
(C) Hurt-based, distorted thinking consequence: Overestimating the extent of undeserving behavior in the past and likelihood of occurrence in the future.
Or
(A) Inference: My significant other is treating me in an undeserved way.
(B) Flexible attitude: I want you to treat me as I deserve, but you do not have to do so.
(C) Sorrow-based, realistic thinking consequences: Fairly estimating the extent of undeserving behavior in the past and likelihood of occurrence in the future.
____________
(A) Inference: My significant other is treating me in an undeserved way and is neglecting me.
(B) Rigid attitude: My significant other must show they care for me in a clear and consistent fashion.
(C) Hurt-based, distorted thinking consequence: Focusing on and inflating the extent that the significant other is showing a lack of sufficient care or indifference.
Or
(A)Inference: My significant other is treating me in an undeserved way by neglecting me.
(B) Flexible attitude: I wish my significant other would not treat me in an undeserved way by neglecting me, but sadly that is my view. They do not have to show me attention to the extent I would prefer.
(C) Sorrow-based, realistic thinking consequences: Seeing the other person as showing a lack of care or indifference in a limited way rather than an overarching way. Acknowledging those time those times when due attention was shown by the significant other.
____________
(A) Inference: They have betrayed me!
(B) Rigid attitude: They must not betray me.
(C) Hurt-based, distorted thinking consequence: Seeing oneself alone, uncared for, or misunderstood by the significant other and other people in the world.
Or
(A) Inference: They have betrayed me!
(B) Rigid attitude: I wish I were not betrayed but sadly I have been. It is not true that I must always have loyalty from this person. They are a fallible human, and their betrayal reflects their fallibility.
(C) Sorrow-based, realistic thinking consequences: Seeing oneself as occasionally or somewhat alone, uncared for or misunderstood by others, especially by the significant other but not always or fully being alone or treated in his way.
____________
(A) Inference: They are not including me sufficiently into their life.
(B) Rigid attitude: I have to be sufficiently included in their life.
(C) Hurt-based, distorted thinking consequence: Thinking of past ‘hurts’ especially of those inflicted by the significant other.
Or
(A) Inference: They are not including me sufficiently into their life.
(B) Flexible attitude: I want to be more included in their life but do not have to be. They have a right to relate to me to the extent they do. I have a right to accept this, ask for more inclusion, and then decide if I satisfied by the response and the extent of inclusion.
(C) Sorrow-based, realistic thinking consequences: Thinking of past ‘hurts’ and failure to include them while not dwelling on these times. Also calling to mind instances where others, especially the significant other, have demonstrated an investment in the relationship and included them sufficiently.
_____________
Inference: My significant other is treating me in an undeserved way and is neglecting me.
Rigid attitude: My significant other must show they care for me in a clear and consistent fashion.
Hurt-based, distorted thinking consequence: Thinking that the other person has to put things right of their own accord.
Or
(A) Inference: My significant other is treating me in an undeserved way and is neglecting me.
(B) Flexible attitude: I would like my significant other to show they care for me in a clear and consistent fashion, but they do not have to do so. I can choose to accept their style of relating to me and decide if this works for me. We can talk about how they relate to me.
(C) Sorrow-based, realistic thinking consequences: Thinking that the other person may but does not necessarily have to be the one to initiate an effort to repair the relationship. Taking the initiative to discuss the relationship.
____________
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Rigid attitude: I have to get them to value me, and this relationship more than they do. I have to prove myself through this relationship.
(C) Hurt-based, distorted thinking consequence: Thinking that if they accept the ongoing, relative imbalance of emotional investment in the relationship that defines them as lesser of a person and there is no choice but to end the relationship despite its satisfying elements.
Or
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Flexible attitude: I would like to get them to value me, and this relationship more than they do but they do not have to do so. This is not about proving myself through this relationship but enjoying myself by having it.
(C) Sorrow-based, realistic thinking consequences: Accepting themselves unconditionally while acknowledging the relationship’s ongoing, relative imbalance of emotional investment. Acknowledging the pleasure derived from the “imperfect” relationship. Making the conscious choice without self-devaluation to accept what they can get in the relationship and enjoying it despite wanting more investment from the other party.
Behavioral Consequences of Unhealthy Hurt and Healthy Sorrow at (C)
As mentioned previously, our reactions at (C) are complex. Our reactions include a feeling and urge to act or a behavioral expression. However, once under the influence of an emotion, our ability to exhibit constructive behavioral responses may be impaired. Below are the self-defeating behavioral consequences associated with unhealthy hurt and the alternative self-helping behavioral consequences of healthy sorrow. These behavioral consequences are located at (C) in the ABC model.
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Rigid attitude: They have to show they care for me more than they typically show.
(C) Hurt-based behavioral consequences: Blaming the other person for making them feel hurt.
Or
(A) Inference: I am insufficiently valued in this relationship.
(B) Flexible attitude: I want them to show that they care for me more than they typically show but they do not have to do so. I may not like what they do but I do not have to blame for my feelings. They contribute but do not “cause” me to be disturbed.
Sorrow-based, behavioral consequences: Acknowledging the other person’s role in the sorrow one feels without abdicating responsibility for one’s expectations of the relationship and their responsibility for choosing a healthy emotional reaction to the other person’s actions or failures to act.
____________
(A) Inference: They don’t care enough about me.
(B) Rigid attitude: They have to prove to me they care.
(C) Hurt-based, behavioral consequences: Aggressively or passive-aggressively shutting down direct channels of communication with the other person or communicating indirectly that the other person has ‘hurt’ them.
Or
(A) Inference: They don’t care enough about me.
(B) Flexible attitude: I would like them to demonstrate they care for me more, but they do not have to do so. I will communicate to them what I desire and see what happens.
(C) Sorrow-based, behavioral consequences: Communicating directly in a mature way that they feel disappointed with what has been done or failed to be done by the significant other. Requesting to be treated differently in the future; not making a continued relationship contingent on such preferred treatment.
_____________
(A) Inference: They have not shown sufficient investment after I asserted myself.
(B) Rigid attitude: I have to get them to respond more favorably and show me greater investment or this relationship is not worth it.
(C) Hurt-based, behavioral consequences: Refusing to adjust how they invest in the relationship with the significant other and remaining in an all-in or all-out stance towards the significant other.
Or
(A) Inference: They have not shown sufficient investment after I asserted myself.
(B) Flexible attitude: I wish would respond more favorably and show me greater investment, but they do not have to do so. I do not have to make ultimatums and throw the baby out with the bath water. This relationship is still worth it.
(C) Sorrow-based, behavioral consequences: Adjusting in a healthy way how much they invest in the relationship with the significant other depending on how the other party responds to the request for better treatment
Summary
Human relationships can be improved when individuals have healthy reactions to the inevitable disappointments, disagreements, and conflicts encountered in our relationships with those who are important to us. REBT emphasizes that humans are unique and fallible. Therefore, it is realistic to expect that there will be disappointments, disagreements, disparities and even conflicts in our most important human relationships. People cannot achieve “perfect” relationships because both parties are highly fallible, had different personal histories, and therefore see things from different vantage points. Still, we can experience less suffering and even have some degree of happiness when we are not getting as much as we desire from another person who is important to us. Self-helping, healthy reactions will occur when we understand what constitutes a healthy emotional reaction. Then when we infer that a significant other is less invested in a relationship or we make one of the other inferences discussed above, we can use REBT to choose a healthy reaction to address our dilemma. Understanding the typical inferences at (A) involved in unhealthy feelings of hurt and understanding the difference between the thinking and behavioral consequences of unhealthy hurt and healthy sorrow will enable you to identify your self-defeating emotional response quickly. This more sophisticated understanding of the difference between unhealthy hurt and healthy sorrow will allow you to transform unhealthy hurt into healthy sorrow. Healthy sorrow will enable you to prudently change what you can change and live happily with what you cannot. In so doing, you stand the best chance of maintaining and improving your most important relationships.