Living Well and Dying Well with REBT

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. – Steve Jobs

Sadly, you will die. Although dying has a downside, as Steve Jobs recommends, you can use your limited time and death to your advantage. The fact that you will die offers the advantage of counteracting your human tendency to put off action. You can turn the fact that you will die on some unknown date into motivation to live a meaningful and pleasurable life now while you still can. Death can help you focus your mind.

You can learn to use the fact that you will not live forever to help you choose how to live optimally during the 80 years you are likely to have. You may avoid reflecting on your limited time out of fear of dying or cultivate a healthy and courageous attitude toward death to help you live life to the fullest. REBT can help you in this quest.

Step 1 – Accept You and Your Loved Ones Will Die at Some Unknown Date

REBT argues that you will adapt to life best when you accept reality instead of demanding it to be as you want it to be. Acknowledge your feelings toward the fact that you and your loved ones will cease to exist at some unknown date. Allow yourself to feel and think about this fact of life. In so doing, you will take the first step towards preparing for that sad, unavoidable day.

It would be best to use REBT to cultivate a healthy concern and sorrow for this fact of life instead of unhealthy anxiety and despair. Look for the rigid and extreme ideas that will give rise to unhealthy feelings of anxiety and despair. Here are just a few that might cause these feelings:

1. I must not die. I cannot accept my mortality. 
2. I must not have to bid farewell to my loved ones. I cannot bear to say goodbye forever.
3. I cannot face life without certain people and have some happiness without my loved ones.

Alternative Attitudes for Rational Living and Dying

1. I wish I would not die, but sadly death is part of life. It is hard to accept my mortality but not unbearable. I can accept this unfortunate fact of life and be grateful for having had a life to live with the loved ones I had. I can stand to acknowledge I will die and that my loved ones will die, and it is worth doing with philosophical acceptance. I will leverage that we all pass and then focus on what is most important now while they and I are alive and healthy.
2. I wish I did not have to bid farewell to my loved ones. It is tough to say goodbye forever, but not unbearable. I will bear it as I have no choice but to disturb myself or accept this existential challenge. I want to face this challenge with courage. I can do so.
3. It will be hard to face life and have some happiness without my loved ones, but it will not be impossible. Being miserable for the rest of my life is no way to honor the deceased. Mourn and move on. That is your right as a fallible human with limited time.

Step 2 – Cultivate Unconditional Self-Acceptance

Next, understand REBT’s idea of unconditional self-acceptance accurately and reflect on how it will help you live and die well. You probably have never been taught to accept yourself unconditionally. Once you understand the concept and the argument for adopting it, you can cultivate unconditional self-acceptance. I think unconditional self-acceptance is necessary for preparing for death because you will make mistakes in life as a fallible human. Regardless of how hard you work on yourself and your life, you will regret doing or not doing something. No one lives a perfect life because humans are fallible. Acknowledging that you will inevitably have some regrets at the end of your life is not to say you will not work damn hard to minimize those missteps while you can. Still, because you are a fallible human, you will unavoidably come to see that you could have done some things differently and presumably better. Regardless of how well or poorly you lived, you never have to rate yourself as bad or lesser. Rating your total self, your human value, will not help you live or die well. Your human value cannot be measured by how well you have lived, what you accomplished, or what bad things you have done. There are no good people or bad people, just fallible humans. What can be measured is how much satisfaction and meaning you derive from the life you are living. Rate what you do, have done, and might do in the future but do not rate yourself regardless of how well your decisions turn out.

Step 3 – Use Time Projection to Identify Death Bed Regrets

Even though I heavily emphasize cultivating the realistic point of view that because you are a fallible human, you will have some regrets in the end, try to anticipate what you may later regret and take steps to change the course of your life now while you can. Yes, you can unconditionally accept yourself with all your warts and regrets when you reach the final days and hours of your life, but it is still a good idea to try to do what you can to live the most fulfilling life now while you can do something to make that happen. To this end, take the theory of REBT and use it to identify the future “absolute shoulds” you will feel tempted to place on yourself when you are reviewing your life at the end. Here is an example list:

1. I should have spent more time with my family.
2. I should have accepted my parents and siblings as they were instead of demanding they be different than they were capable of being and arguing with them. I should have seen that you cannot change others, only yourself.
3. I should have quit smoking cigarettes sooner, exercised, and made other sensible, healthy changes to avoid the illness I now face.
4. I should have enjoyed and savored what I had instead of having envy for what others had.
5. I should not have let fear stop me and should have done what I wanted and avoided the window of opportunity closing on being able to do those things.

Healthy Attitudes to Adopt Now Before It is Too Late

1. I may very well regret not spending more time with my family. I wish I could work as much as I want and spend more time with my family, but something has to give. I do not have to have it both ways. I will accept that maximizing pleasure and minimizing future regrets requires acceptance that I cannot have everything I want. I will accept the tradeoffs of life.
2. It would be good to accept my parents and siblings as they are instead of demanding they be different than they are and arguing with them. They do not have to be as I would like them to be, and I do not have to anger myself over their dislikable characteristics. I will do better if I enjoy their good qualities and not disturb myself when they exhibit their negative attributes. It is better to change how I react to them than to try to change them.
3. I should preferably quit smoking cigarettes, exercise, and make other healthy changes, but I do not have to. I will work at cultivating the self-discipline that will allow me to make small changes while I still can. It will be uncomfortable to make these changes but not unbearable. They will be worth making because I want to preserve my health and have a higher quality of life while I exist.
4. I will work on counting my blessings instead of having unhealthy envy for what others have. My struggle with unhealthy envy proves I am a fallible human. Still, I will strive to have healthy envy, learn from others, and count my blessings for what I have.
5. I want to learn how not to stop myself and do what I want before the window of opportunity closes on being able to do those things, but I do not have to do so. I will not use flexible thinking in a wrongheaded way. Overcoming my self-defeating fear will enable me to take calculated risks, adding to the pleasure and meaning I derive in life. I want to live life to the fullest, and unhealthy fear will stop me.

Step 4 – Take Action on Those Future Regrets Now so You Have Fewer “Should Haves or Should Not Haves” Later

Once you have done the above inventory, it is time to use REBT ideas to take action before it is too late. This step might be the most challenging because humans seem biologically predisposed to remaining comfortable in the short run, even though they are aware that they are sacrificing long-term pleasure and meaning or may have future regrets for failing to take action. Here is where REBT ideas like calculated risk-taking, discomfort tolerance, uncertainty tolerance, and unconditional self-acceptance interact.

Discomfort anxiety leads to avoidance behavior or what is commonly known as procrastination. Taking responsibility for how others will feel or think about the changes you wish to make will also stop you from doing what you want. Do an ABC analysis of your delay in making the changes you think will reduce future regret. Here are some attitudes that will block you from action:

1. Making these course corrections in my life will be too hard or painful. It is easier to go along as I have been going along.
2. I should not put my happiness and meaning above my family’s.
3. I need the approval of others before I take action on doing what I want to do with my life.
4. I need certainty that I will not regret taking these calculated risks once I take action on these course corrections.
5. I must not come to realize that it was my attitude that needed changing and not the external circumstances of my life. 
6. I will not be able to bear the pain if I realize I made a great mistake in my course corrections.

Alternative Attitudes for Taking Action Now

1. Changing my life in significant ways will be challenging and painful but not unbearable. I will willingly bear this discomfort and pain because I have concluded these changes are likely worth making. Present pain for long-term gain is what I am doing. 
2. This insight is the difficult-to-accept way life sometimes works out. Life is hard, and it sometimes is impossible for everyone to get what they want. It is hard to put myself first when placing my happiness and meaning above my family’s, but not unbearable. Putting myself first and them a close second is moral because I am being true to myself and not intentionally aiming to harm them.
3. I want the approval of others before I take action on doing what I want to do with my life, but unfortunately, I will only sometimes get it for various reasons. I do not need their approval; I am in the best position to make the best decisions for my happiness because I am responsible for making it happen, not others.
4. I wish I could have certainty that I will not regret taking these calculated risks I am about to take, but sadly I cannot have such reassurance. I can tolerate uncertainty, and if things do not turn out as I hope they will, I will fall back on unconditional self-acceptance and unconditional life acceptance. There is a risk in not making changes in my life, and there is a risk in making these changes. Risk in life is inevitable, and the antidote for it is to think things through and, when the best laid plans go awry, unconditionally accept oneself and life.
5. I hope I do not later come to see that my attitude needed changing and not the external circumstances of my life. I believe I have adopted a healthy mindset, and the next step involves changing my life’s circumstances. Let us hope I am doing the right thing!
6. It will be hard to bear the pain if I realize I made a great mistake in making these significant changes in my life, but it will not be unbearable. I will accept that there is no way around possible pain down the road. I can tolerate the pain of making mistakes and have done so in the past. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and bearing the pain of making a wrong move is what makes life so damn hard. 

Step 5 – Periodically Re-Inventory Your Life and Take Action on That Analysis 

REBT teaches that life is in a constant state of flux. Things change, and it does not mean you might not make further changes once you have made changes. REBT teaches that rational thinking is scientific thinking. Scientists evaluate the results of their experiments and then do new experiments. Likewise, once you have made changes in your life, you need to assess how well they are working and then take new calculated risks based on life experience and learning. Life is not a one-and-done affair. Look for attitudes that will block you from evaluating the results of previous life changes and applying these to future decision-making. Here are a few examples that will undermine your evaluation and learning from experience:

1. It is too hard to evaluate whether I made a good decision in making this life change.
2. It is too hard to face the fact I made a decision that did not produce improved life satisfaction.
3. I am a loser for deconstructing my life and getting myself in a worse position than I already was.
4. It is too hard to make further changes at this point in the game.
5. I need a guarantee that this time I will do things right.

Healthy Alternative Attitudes for Reevaluating Changes

1. It is hard to evaluate whether I made a good decision in making this life change but not too hard to do this. Only by evaluation do I learn. I will evaluate what I did, and if I did poorly, I will not define myself and then devalue myself in terms of my misstep, even if the negative consequences are significant. I will accept myself and remember I did not set out to screw up my life.
2. It is hard to face the fact I made a decision that did not produce improved life satisfaction, but it is not unbearable. I can learn something from this experience and carry it forward in life. 
3. I may have deconstructed my life and put myself in a worse position than I already was, but that does not make me a loser. It proves that not all calculated risks work out. It proves none of us can predict the future. It also proves I am a fallible human. Now let me focus on unconditional self-acceptance and finding the good in the bad. That is the best way of coping with a wrong decision of one’s choosing.
4. It is hard to make further changes at this point in the game but not too hard. If I start playing life too safe because I made a wrong decision, I could keep myself in adverse circumstances. Life is a risk, and I will learn from life and keep going forward. 
5. I want a guarantee that this time I will do things right, but I cannot have one. I have been able to tolerate other wrong decisions. Where is it written that I have to have a guarantee this time I will get it right? Nowhere is this written.

Step 6 – Die Peacefully with Your Remaining Regrets

The art of living well and the art of dying well are one. – Epicurus

To die well, one needs to live well. Living well involves cultivating unconditional self-acceptance and unconditional life acceptance. We all will have our regrets. Ellis had his share of regrets, as shown in the below quote from The Road to Tolerance

And I have done many other things that I regret but I never upset myself about those things. They’re just regrets., sorrows, disappointments, frustrations. I made mistakes, I am a fallible human who has made mistakes. Too bad. But I never upset myself for making these errors. – Albert Ellis

Living well involves making mistakes through calculated risk-taking. Living well also requires accepting that life is complex, challenging, and unfair. Living well consists of accepting that others are fallible, not condemning them, and angering ourselves about how they have let us down. None of us will get it all, and therefore, unconditional life acceptance is something along with a healthy sense of humor we need to have at the ready when death comes knocking.

Now listen to Steve Jobs talk about life and death: ​