The secret to living well with others is not simply getting them to do what you wish—the secret lies in controlling your reaction to them when they disappoint you or treat you poorly so that you and the other person can resolve your impasse constructively. Disagreements between people are inevitable in life. Rather than end the relationship as many people opt to do, it is better to work through the problem or disagreement and try to maintain the relationship. This process takes a healthy emotional response on your part, enabling you to calmly state your point of view and be open to the point of view of the other. It is through respectful dialogue and listening that resolutions can be achieved. Ending relationships is the easier path in the short run, but it has its downside. There are no perfect humans, and rather than searching for an ideal spouse, friend, or supervisor, it is best to develop the skills for living in harmony with others while not being passive and always being the one to yield to the wishes of the other. When one person constantly capitulates, resentment builds, and the quality of the interpersonal experience corrodes, sometimes leading to an explosive dissolution of the relationship.
REBT can help you develop the emotional and behavioral skills necessary for living in harmony with others. When in disagreement with another person, an optimal response rests on creating a healthy attitude that will bring out your best as you respond to your spouse, friend, or supervisor. REBT’s theory of negative emotions encourages you to use emotion to guide you. Your emotions are a feedback mechanism, and your annoyance, disappointment, displeasure, sadness, or concern are all critical signals you should heed. They are healthy negative emotions and should not be eliminated or suppressed. Their presence indicates that you are not getting what you want and have something to lose. Denying these self-helping emotions, which, if recognized, would motivate you to work through your interpersonal disagreement respectfully, will only make you resentful in the future.
These healthy negative emotions are a function of having flexible attitudes toward interpersonal transactions between you and the other person. REBT theory says that people escalate their wishes for how they want to be treated into a rigid demand, thereby creating unhealthy negative emotions like anger, which will lead to interpersonal aggression and arguments.
Anxiety will hamper your ability to state your point of view calmly and also is underneath an angry response. Anger may make you feel powerful when you are frightened of conflict. You must take a deep breath and identify what you are anxious about. People often have an unstated need for approval, which leads them to believe that they cannot bear disapproval and the awkward moment when they inform the other party that they are unhappy about something. In REBT, we want you to challenge this need for approval and your attitude that you cannot bear the awkward moment when you inform the other party that you are unhappy with something. The best way to challenge your rigid need for approval is to ask:
- Does needing approval work in the real world, or does it have a significant downside?
- What is the functional impact of thinking I cannot bear the awkward moment when I inform the other party that I am displeased with something?
- Do I not have a right to express my point of view and respectfully inform the other party I am displeased about something?
- Who is in the best position to convey my point of view?
- Is there evidence to support the attitude you cannot bear the awkward moment when you make your views and displeasure known to the other party?
- Although it may be true that you dislike the awkward moment, is it best in the long run for you not to bear and work through the disagreement rather than yield and let resentment build?
- Why is it best to avoid demanding the other person agree with you?
- Is it best for you to seek a win\win solution or take the easy and comfortable path of accepting a lose\win position that is comfortable in the short run but will lead to resentment in the long run?
- Why not put yourself first and the other person a close second instead of automatically putting them first?
From an REBT perspective, you need flexible and non-extreme attitudes to help you have a healthy concern for your interests and maintain your relationship. The following attitudes will help you listen but also assert yourself:
- I wish this disagreement were not occurring, but sadly, it is. The solution is not to avoid the conflict but to deal with it and work through it to reach a good long-term solution.
- I want the other party’s approval, but I also want a better deal or treatment from them. I do not have to have their approval. I can accept myself unconditionally, with or without their approval.
- Discussing a disagreement can be very uncomfortable, but it is not unbearable. I can tolerate discussing my views, and it is worth doing so because resentment will build if I take the comfortable path and avoid the issue. I am worth making this effort for, and I am willing to make the effort. I commit to working through this disagreement.
- It is best for me to put myself first and the other person a close second. Who is in a better position to understand my point of view and is most motivated to represent it? I am the person in the best position to articulate it. I will not expect another person to read my mind and give me what I want. I am unlikely to get it if I don’t ask for what I want.
- I am not doing the other party a favor by being passive.
- The other person is not a bad person for not knowing what I want or not agreeing with me. They are complex, fallible, constantly changing, unique human beings who do not have to see things my way. We can always agree to disagree, even if we cannot agree on this matter now.
- I am not a bad person for wanting to be treated fairly. I will accept myself even if the other person disagrees with my point of view. Life involves seeing reality from one’s perspective, and disagreements are to be expected. I will open my mind to the other person’s perspective without mixing in my ego and see if we can solve our disagreement.
You can achieve unconditional other-acceptance through self-interest. Is it in your best interest to feel angry towards someone who has treated you poorly? See that annoyed, disappointed, or displeased are healthy, but anger is unhealthy. Anger sits atop a demand that people be as you want them to be. It motivates you to act in a shortsighted way. Is it best to dispose of relationships with people who let you down? Maybe or not. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater too quickly. Don’t allow people to take advantage of you, but see that you are dealing with imperfect humans like you. Set limits with people. Communicate with them and let them know what you want from the relationship. If they have treated you poorly, ask them to treat you better. Just avoid demanding that fallible humans treat you well. They do not have to do so. The world is fresh out of humans who will always treat you as you wish.