Keeping After Ourselves – Dr. Walter J. Matweychuk
Therapy clients are the way they are not only because they easily and naturally disturb themselves (as perhaps all human beings) but also because they indulge in their dysfunctional feelings, thoughts, and behaviors and refuse to persist in the hard work usually required to change them. If therapists are equally indulgent and permit their clients (and themselves) to get by with half-hearted attempts to change themselves, little will be accomplished. REBT practitioners, therefore, had better work hard and persistently to show their clients how they are disturbing themselves and to keep after them, with various behavioral as well as cognitive-emotive methods, to correct themselves again and again.
– Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
Albert Ellis makes an essential point that all people who use Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy would be well advised to bear in mind. Because we are fallible humans, it is in our nature to indulge in feelings, thoughts, and behaviors which result in backsliding into old self-defeating patterns of living. We easily yield to rigid self-defeating attitudes like:
1. I want to do well, AND I must do perfectly well!
2. I want you to treat me nicely, AND you must do so!
3. I wish for life to be a certain way AND life conditions must be as I want them to be!
Fallible humans also easily “jump” to extreme attitudes when our rigidly held mindset clashes with reality. We easily think:
1. It is awful if life is not as I want it to be!
2. Poor me, the conditions of my life are uncomfortable, and I cannot stand them! My life is such a burden!
3. Because I cannot make life be as I want it to be therefore I am a failure, loser, or incompetent person!
4. You are an evil person who should never have been born because you are obstructing me and treating me poorly!
5. Life is rotten to the core and not worth living when things are not as they must be!
Both therapy clients and psychotherapists had better learn how to consistently keep after ourselves to resist this natural inclination to indulge in rigid and extreme thinking. By keeping after ourselves, I explicitly mean monitoring how we are reacting moment to moment, to quickly spot self-defeating reactions and to immediately start disputing the self-defeating philosophical attitudes that underpin our counterproductive responses. Keeping after ourselves also means to vigorously and explicitly talk to ourselves and remind ourselves of rational alternative philosophies that are flexible and non-extreme like:
1. I want to do perfectly well but NEVER have to do perfectly well. Since perfection does not exist, I will rationally strive to do well enough given what is at stake in this particular situation.
2. I want and desire that you treat me as I want you to treat me, but I accept that you NEVER have to treat me as I want you to treat me and I can still have some degree of happiness.
3. I wish for the conditions of my life to be as I want them to be, but I accept that conditions NEVER have to be as I want for them to be and I still can have some degree of happiness despite unfavorable conditions.
4. It is unfortunate but NEVER awful when life is not as I want it to be. I never have to be miserable and whine. Whining will never help be tough-minded and cope with reality as it is.
5. Even when the conditions of life are uncomfortable, they are NOT unbearable, and they are worth tolerating because avoiding uncomfortable situations often has a definite downside in the long run. I can tolerate reality as it is and do what is best in the long term even when doing this is uncomfortable and requires considerable effort.
6. Even when I make errors and engage in indulgences leading to self-defeating consequences that are bad it never means I am a bad or worthless person, a failure, or a loser. I am responsible for my erroneous deeds, but I can still choose to accept myself with what I have done and attempt to do better in the future.
7. When you mistreat me that never makes you an evil person who did not deserve life, but I also have a right to keep after you to stop your mistreatment towards me. I never have to upset myself as I set limits with you, and in so doing I will do best in dealing with you if I NEVER condemn you as a person. You are a fallible person who is a curious mix of good and bad parts and who could very well treat me better in the future. Because you are imperfect, you have a right to misbehave, and I have a right to calmly keep after you to treat me better in the future.
8. Even when life is far from the way I want it to be it does not mean it is rotten to the core and that it is NOT worth living. It is good for me to bear in mind that life in the future could be better and is a complex mix of positive and negative experiences. Life is very unpredictable, and if I do not whine and upset myself about it, I will be in a better position to make the most of it and have some happiness even when it is rough.
Thinking and reacting well to life’s daily challenges is not easy. It is our nature to defeat ourselves and weak attempts and half-hearted effort to change and maintain our change will not work. To continue our gains, we need to commit to the lifelong practice of rational thinking, feeling and most importantly behaving. By engaging, recommitting, and pushing ourselves day in and day out to use REBT, we can grow as people and extend this growth throughout our lives. Ellis saw through the fog and recognized the capacity within us to both help and hurt ourselves. REBT is a sensible approach, but it takes daily work and practice. Repetition is the mother of learning. Keep at your REBT. Keep after yourself. Remind yourself to remain responsible for your emotions, behaviors, and your life. REBT is a tough-minded approach in a world that often encourages ideas opposite to REBT philosophy. If you do not give REBT a half-hearted attempt, if you keep reading about it, listening to audios on it, studying its teachings, thinking about it and most importantly LOOK for the opportunity to ACT on it in your daily life you will see changes occurring. If you do not give it a half-hearted attempt, you will find REBT really works when YOU work it!
Bottom-line: Remember to keep after yourself. It is your nature to indulge in rigid and extreme thinking and to transform your strong wishes into absolutistic rigid demands leading to your emotional disturbance and self-defeating behavior.