Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) gives couples who seek help for a problematic relationship some counterintuitive advice. In REBT couples counseling I ask a simple question – “If you could change two things about yourself that would help this relationship what would they be?” This question redirects the focus on fixing your partner to changing yourself. A few of many possible good answers to the question might be:
- Stop demanding my partner be perfect.
- Striving to do more for myself instead of expecting my partner to do things I very well could do for myself.
- Talking less and listening more.
- Being assertive instead of aggressive.
- Never calling my partner a name but only addressing their undesirable behavior.
- Striving to show my partner the same respect I would show someone I do not live with and see every day.
- Giving my partner the benefit of the doubt more often.
- Calmly suggesting that we agree to disagree, at least for the time being.
- Allowing my partner to be wrong without condemning them.
- Avoiding attempting to micromanagement things and telling them how to do every little thing or expecting my partner will do things the way I would do them.
- Calling to mind two good traits of my partner every time I think of criticizing one of their undesirable traits.
- Making a list of good traits my partner has which I was drawn to when I met my partner and referring to it often.
- Saying please and thank you more often.
- Examining my expectations for my partner and striving to be more realistic instead of idealistic.
- Communicating with my partner calmly and clearly instead of expecting them to read my mind.
- Working on my own level of unconditional self-acceptance and uncertainty tolerance instead of being easily threatened when my partner speaks to potential love rivals.
- Avoiding sulking and the silent treatment after disagreements.
- Initiating sex instead of always expecting my partner to make the first overture.
- Giving my partner more frequent breaks from childcare.
- Blaming less and problem solving more and sooner when a problem is identified.
- Following through on promises.
- Not nagging for change and not making empty threats.
- Not drinking too much other using unhealthy ways of coping with problems, disappointments, and uncertainty.
- Respecting your partner’s time and not keeping them waiting by being chronically late.
REBT challenges unhappy partners to first work on themselves. The only person we can truly “change” is ourselves. Yes we might influence our partner to some degree but our influence over another person is relatively weak compared to the degree of leverage we have over our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. However, too often people tend to focus on changing the other person instead of focusing on themselves because humans are often lazy and like to avoid work. Yes in REBT we believe low discomfort tolerance and the avoidance of hard work is often at the root of emotional disturbance. If I blame you for my emotional upset then you are the one that has to do the work to change. However, if I decide to embrace what we in REBT we call the Principle of Emotional Responsibility then I have some work to do to improve my relationship with you. I can take responsibility for reacting with very strong negative emotions when I encounter your undesirable actions or outright misdeeds. I can inventory how I contribute to your “bad” behavior. This involves removing my ego and rolling up my sleeves and too often fallible humans avoid doing both of these things.
This counterintuitive first step in improving relationships not only applies to problems with your partner but it can also be applied to your relationships with others like your child, a colleague, or your neighbor. First ask yourself this simple question: “What two things can I do or change about me that will make this relationship improve?” Try it and enjoy the good results it often yields.