In the fall of 1983, while in graduate school, I first heard Albert Ellis speak at the Philadelphia Ethical Society. The lecture’s title was “21 Ways to Meet Potential Friends and Lovers.” I was in the audience with my girlfriend then, and she and I had a fun-filled evening listening to Ellis outline all the ways people can make new friends and lovers. He outlined what kept people from, as he put it, “sticking their necks out” and trying to converse with someone to make a new friendship. Ellis closed that memorable evening by passing out a sheet of lyrics and leading the audience to sing Perfect Rationality (listen to the video below for a spectacular rendition of this fine tune). He wrote this song to poke fun at irrational ideas people hold about rejections. He often wrote humorous songs that poked fun at irrational attitudes. That evening, I became sold on studying REBT as a professional.
The application of REBT to overcoming social anxiety, fear of rejection, and liberating oneself from shame has always been close to my heart. I was painfully shy as a young child, intensely fearing going to kindergarten and first grade. (Thank heavens my parents forced me to go off to school rather than reinforce my avoidance behavior, as that would have only strengthened my innate tendency to fear strangers.) Then, in high school, despite being a successful multi-sport varsity athlete, I mainly kept to myself, preferring to study during lunch hour and then join others on the athletic field during structured team practice. At that stage of life, I could safely avoid dealing with my social awkwardness and save face by studying or training for competition rather than socializing with my peers. Studying was easy, but facing rejection was threatening. In college, I went from an all-boys high school to a competitive Ivy League university where I would rather face a firing squad than rejection and failure with young women I was interested in dating. Fortunately, the counseling psychologist I consulted at the university student clinic knew some REBT. I remember Dr. Free asking me,“What is the worst thing that can happen if you get rejected by someone you would like to date?” Dr. Free helped me face the worst-case scenario and force myself to get rejected multiple times. Through this uncomfortable process of repeated rejection and forcing myself to face my fears and do what was painful, I slowly overcame my shyness, shame, and fear of rejection. You may be disinclined to believe that I was shy as a young person when you witness my public shenanigans these days, but the history is accurate. I once feared rejection.
Fear of Rejection, Social Isolation, Shame, and Depression
REBT can be a wonderfully effective treatment for the individual who fears rejection and is shameful in public settings, often leading to social isolation and depression. Social anxiety is common and often may lead to substance use as people sometimes medicate themselves from the anxiety or depression associated with their social avoidance. Even though humans are social animals, social anxiety occurs and blocks people from making friendships and emotional connections with other humans upon which our species relies. We may notice someone we would like to approach and converse with but chicken out for fear of rejection. If we manage to get their phone number, we also fail to use the technology we have at our disposal to reach out and connect with them. We either fear bothering people or yield to inertia and merely think about calling or Zooming potential friends but hold ourselves back, leading to increasing degrees of social isolation and depression.
An observation of the fear of rejection that I have made occurs in the classroom setting before my lectures. I have witnessed graduate students studying to be counselors sit next to the same person week after week and never take the time to introduce themselves. This behavior can occur for the entire semester. It is not until I encourage communication that it generally takes place. Not chatting with fellow students is typically not simply indifference but, in part, a fear of speaking to a stranger sitting next to you. Think back to the last time you were with someone at a meeting, in the elevator, and had a few minutes to speak to them. Did you introduce yourself, or did you choose to look at your iPhone and read your email?
Target the Attitudes Underpinning Anxiety and Shame
REBT targets self-defeating emotions and helps people transform their self-inhibiting anxiety, shame, and depression into healthy and motivating concern, disappointment, and sadness. These latter healthy emotions stem from flexible and non-extreme attitudes directed at the possibility of rejection, the awkward moment when you convey interest in another, and conclude they have rejected you when you do not receive a reciprocated response from the other person.
Below are some rigid and extreme attitudes involved in your avoidance behavior, and the REBT suggested alternative attitudes that produce healthier functioning. These healthy attitudes are those that an adult would teach a child to hold who had anxiety and shame in response to possible social rejection:
Self-defeating Attitude: It is too hard to acknowledge my problem with social anxiety and fear of rejection. I will stay in my comfort zone and move further into social isolation. I will save face by pretending I do not have a problem.
Healthy Alternative Attitude: It is hard to acknowledge this problem, but it is not unbearable. It is prudent to think about it, acknowledge my difficulties making friends, and learn how to get out of my comfort zone and address this problem. It won’t go away on its own, and it will only lead to increasing social isolation and then depression if left unchecked. It is worth addressing because humans flourish when they maintain healthy social connections. My fear of rejection does not make me lesser of a person. It proves I am a fallible human who can accept themself with their problem and then work on cultivating the ability to do what I can to make new friends and emotional connections.
Self-Defeating Attitude: I must not be rejected. This person will think I am a weirdo for sticking my neck out and trying to be friendly.
Healthy Alternative Attitude: I do not want to be rejected, but it does not mean I must not be. I have no idea what the person will think of me when I try to start a conversation with them. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. They could be relieved I approached them, or they could be indifferent to me or reject me. If the latter is the case, their thoughts won’t harm me, and only my thoughts and self-rejection can do that. I will choose to accept myself even if they reject me. It happens in life, too bad. I can survive it and react constructively to it. I don’t have to reject myself when someone else rejects me. That would be unkind to do to me, and I will not do that.
Self-Defeating Attitude: The awkward moment I expose my interest in friendship with them is unbearable. I cannot bear that moment of vulnerability.
Healthy Alternative Attitude: The awkward moment when I expose my interest in friendship is hard to bear but not unbearable. I will survive the uncomfortable moment when I make myself and my intentions known. It is the price I must accept to kindle a friendship. Someone must go past the fifty-yard line, so to speak, and stick their neck (or heart) out and risk rejection. It might as well be me. If I wait for the other person to act, I may miss an opportunity to make a new friend. They may be as fearful of rejection as I am, and we would lose if they, like me, were interested in creating a new connection with a like-minded person.
Self-Defeating Attitude: If I get rejected, it will be unbearable.
Healthy Alternative Attitude: It will be hard to bear if I get rejected, but it will not be unbearable. It is worth bearing because wrongly thinking it is unbearable will lead me to shy away from making friendships and emotional connections with others. I commit to bearing the pain of rejection, which will help strengthen me if I have the proper attitude. That which does not kill me makes me stronger. Take the risk and converse, for it will not kill me to experience rejection.
Self-Defeating Attitude: Nothing can be worse than the other person does not reciprocate my interest in friendship.
Healthy Alternative Attitude: Much worse can happen to me than conveying to someone I want to be friends and not having my interest reciprocated. It is unfortunate but far from the end of the world if the other person is not interested in my friendship. The other person is allowed not to be interested in me, just as I have the right not to be interested in others who may find me appealing. Such is life. I can philosophically accept that this person is not interested in my friendship now and seek friendship with another person. Reality does not have to be as I want it to be. I can hold a realistic, tolerant view of rejection in human relations. It happens; it hurts; you survive, so get over it.
Self-Defeating Attitude: Not having my interest reciprocated proves I am a loser.
Healthy Alternative Attitude: Not having my interest reciprocated proves I am a fallible human, not a loser. Rejection of my overture proves that this other fallible human has no interest in further communication or friendship with me, but it does not prove that I am a lesser human. The evidence is I was rejected right now by this one person. I will not harm myself and subjectively define my human worth based on others accepting me as a friend. I am alive and will continue to do things, some of which will succeed and others will fail. No action or collection of actions, whether these succeed or not, will determine my human value. I will not subjectively define my human value on whether this person accepts me as that is self-harming. Self-acceptance is just as much a choice as self-rejection when others reject me. I will choose unconditional self-acceptance and keep looking for new friends.
Self-Defeating Attitude: I have been trying to make friends and should have succeeded by now.
Healthy Alternative Attitude: Even though I have been sticking my neck out trying to make friends, it does not mean I should have been successful. It would have been better if things had gone my way, but this did not have to occur; the conditions are not yet favorable for that to happen. Too bad. Life is hard; friendships do not have to be easy and work out on my schedule. The important thing is not to get bitter and upset myself and give up doing what I can to meet people. Cultivate unconditional acceptance and a healthy attitude to remain friendly and draw people to you.
Making Friends Rests on Unconditional Self-Acceptance
Humans are social animals and naturally live in groups and flourish when they experience friendships and emotional connections. Sadly, we easily disturb ourselves by holding attitudes that defeat us when rejected. Acknowledge that failed attempts at friendship are empirically verified failures, but you, as a person, can only become a “failure” by resorting to a subjective definition. You never have to define yourself as a failure for failing when another person does not reciprocate your overtures of friendship. Keep accepting yourself and forcing yourself to engage with different types of people. Learn the art of conversation by doing it, not shying away from it. You can do it, and human connections are worth it.
A Handy Tool for Kindling Friendships
If you do not have a business or do not wish to use your business cards for personal relationships, go and make a simple business card to ease the opportunity to make a friend. Put your name, mobile phone number, and email address on your card. When conversing with someone you might be interested in meeting up with for coffee or lunch, offer them your card and suggest meeting up in the future. You can ask them for their mobile number or email address, but having a card can allow you to make a positive impression with them that you are open to socializing, and offering them your card may make it easier for the two of you.
Making Friends Takes Controlling What is Up to You
In Stoicism, there is a principle called the Dichotomy of Control. You can never control how other people react to your overtures, but you can control how you respond to their indifference or rejection. Take a page from the Stoic playbook when coping with people you wish to befriend. Select a healthy attitude. You certainly want their friendship, but always remember you do not need their love and approval to accept yourself unconditionally. You want the opportunity to see them again in the future, but you do not (absolutely) need it. Do not empower another person to dictate how you think about yourself. Use REBT to cultivate unconditional self-acceptance (you never have to reject yourself even when others do), unconditional other acceptance (they are not bad people if they reject you and have a legitimate right to do so), and unconditional life acceptance (life does not have to yield easily achieved relationships and pleasures) – Keep at it!
Remember: Someone has to go past the 50-yard line—the other person may pull back. You can choose to be the one to take the risk. Friendships are well worth it!