In 1956 Albert Ellis gave an important address at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association. In this seminal address, he outlined twelve ideas that cause emotional disturbance and human misery. Until this time, Freud’s approach, and variants of orthodox Freudian theory, dominated psychotherapy. Ellis introduced a new paradigm that was to usher in what we now know as cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).
This email is the seventh of twelve successive Intermittent Reinforcement postings. In each of these, I will quote the twelve ideas identified by Ellis in his 1956 address, one at a time, and show how they are still relevant today and further discuss them. If these ideas are corrected, you are likely to experience a healthier emotional life.
Idea #7 – The idea that one needs something other or stronger or greater than oneself on which to rely – instead of the idea that it is usually far better to stand on one’s own feet and gain faith in oneself and one’s ability to meet difficult circumstances of living.
I embrace Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy as a philosophy of life. It aims to cultivate independent thinking, self-direction, and allows me to control my reaction to adversity. These characteristics underpin self-reliance and freedom. I believe that assisting others to think independently, live in a self-directed way, and to hold themselves responsible for their self-defeating emotions and behaviors will enable them to live a fuller, more satisfying life. In the above idea from 1956, Ellis advocates for self-reliance and faith in oneself and one’s ability to meet life’s challenges.
How does REBT go about helping you to become self-reliant? It directs your attention to how you, as a human, think, and the role your unspoken attitudes have in creating your disturbed emotional reactions and emotional dependency on others. REBT’s Principle of Emotional Responsibility is that we largely determine our emotional destiny. People often do not appreciate how they are responsible for their disturbed emotional reactions. They do not know and have usually not been taught how to choose healthier emotions when facing adversity. People who have difficulty standing on their own feet have problems with anxiety and shame. They are afraid to think for themselves and error for themselves. In REBT, we consider anxiety and shame to be self-defeating, self-limiting, and unhealthy negative emotions. REBT helps people rely on themselves by showing them how to think about challenges and experience self-helping negative feelings that free them to stand on their own two feet. Concern and disappointment are healthy alternatives that allow a person to rely on themselves.
People naturally look to avoid challenges due to anxiety and look to hide from public view when they experience shame. In contrast, concern allows you to approach problems, generate creative solutions, persist with an effort to change things that can be changed, and do your best to neutralize a threat. Your feeling of concern is motivating, and it frees you to work on a problem rather than seek someone else to solve the problem for you. You have the emotional strength to face the adversity that stands before you. You may be open to help, but you are working to help and rely on yourself while another person may be assisting you. You are not emotionally dependent on someone else to solve our problems. You are open to consultation, but you then decide how to proceed as you recognize it is your life. You accept you are the best person to make a difficult decision, not someone else. You realize you will be the one to face the consequences of those decisions. You accept that if you error you can live with yourself and your error.
As for the healthy negative emotion of disappointment, it is different from unhealthy shame. You are disappointed you fell short of your standards, but you do not hide from this and hide from others. When shameful, you condemn yourself for having fallen short of your standards and having others witness this. With the healthy negative emotion of disappointment, you acknowledge that you have fallen short of a standard you hold dear. However, you do not go further and depreciate yourself for having done so. You accept yourself with your “shameful” performance. You learn from the experience hoping not to repeat this undesirable performance in the future. You even can feel disappointed if you have difficulty improving your behavior in the future and you continue to fall short of your standards. Without being prone to shame, you choose your standards of conduct rather than blindly going along with popular opinion or the opinion of authority. You shamelessly live the life you want, set your own standards rather than blindly think and do what others want. You live life to enjoy yourself in ways you find meaningful.
Hopefully, by now, I have convinced you of the advantages of striving for concern and disappointment over the unhealthy feelings of anxiety and shame. The next question is, how do you achieve these healthy feelings when attempting to stand on your own two feet? It is the unspoken attitudes you hold as you go through life, which allows you to function independently motivated by the healthy negative feelings of concern and disappointment. Below you will find sets of rigid and extreme attitudes that lie at the core of your anxiety and shame and prevents you from relying on yourself. Underneath each is the independent, rational attitude that will allow you to function in a self-reliant way and address your problems mainly through your own efforts. Read each set of attitudes carefully. Examine how they differ from each other. Reflect on the healthy alternative attitudes that REBT philosophy encourages you to consider embracing.
1. Dependent mindset: I must not fail when I address this problem. Therefore, I will look for someone else to remedy this situation for me.
Self-reliant, rational alternative attitude: I certainly do not want to fail when I address this problem. However, I do not have to address the situation well and succeed. If I fail, I fail, too damn bad. I will learn something in the process. There will be practical consequences of failing. Nevertheless, I commit to attempting to solve my problem on my own to enhance my problem-solving skills unless the consequences of failure would be especially grave. Even then I will seek consultation but, in the end, make my own decision. I will take responsibility for addressing my problem and finding solutions on my own.
2. Dependent mindset: I must perform competently in front of others when I attempt to address this difficult problem. I will let someone else risk performing incompetently in front of others for me.
Self-reliant, rational alternative attitude: No one likes to perform incompetently in front of others, but I do not have to perform competently in front of others. I can and will choose to accept myself even when I perform incompetently in front of others. I accept that I am a fallible human. I do not absolutely need the approval of others. Let them think whatever they wish to think of me.
3. Dependent mindset: If I perform incompetently when dealing with the problem on my own, that would be awful. I will let someone else address this problem for me.
Self-reliant, rational alternative attitude: If I perform incompetently when dealing with the problem on my own, there will be negative consequences, which will be bad, but this outcome will not be awful, terrible, or the end of the world. Unless there are very serious negative consequences if I go it alone, I will benefit greatly from relying on myself and developing expertise by addressing the problem on my own. If I do not cultivate such expertise, I will always be at the mercy of others to solve my problems, which has a clear downside.
4. Dependent mindset: It is too hard to address this problem through my own problem-solving efforts. I will look to others to solve this uncomfortable problem for me.
Self-reliant, rational alternative attitude: When addressing a problem on my own, it requires effort, and it is often uncomfortable to make this effort but not unbearable. I can stand the discomfort of making an effort on my own. When the outcome is worth it to do so, I will bear the discomfort and commit myself to stand on my own two feet because of its advantages. Choosing the mindset that leads to the tolerance of discomfort for problem-solving frees me to persist at problem-solving, which is often a necessary ingredient for success with life’s most challenging problems.
5. Dependent mindset: If I handle the problem poorly in trying to address my problem independently, it will mean I am lesser of a person.
Self-reliant, rational alternative attitude: If I do poorly in addressing my problem, it does not prove I am lesser of a person unless I arbitrarily choose to define myself in this invalid and self-defeating way. When I handle a problem poorly, it shows I lack skills for the problem, but that deficiency does not prove I am deficient as a person. It is never valid reasoning to rate a person even when they possess an apparent weakness. I cannot validly weigh my worth as a person because I cannot possibly know how I will evolve and do in the future. I can evaluate what I have done and learned from this evaluation. I will choose to accept myself with my present deficiency and see what I can do about it. Whether I overcome my deficiency I still remain an unratable person who can choose to accept himself warts and all.
6. Dependent mindset: I know what I like, but others have to agree with what I like and the life I want to live.
Self-reliant, rational alternative attitude: I know what I like. Others may or may not agree with what I like and the life I want to live, but I do not need them to agree with my choices. They are my choices, not theirs to make. I do not need their permission to think, choose, and act as I think best. Suppose my family or society disapproves of my choices. In that case, there will be practical consequences from their disapproval for me to tolerate. However, as long as I choose to bear that burden, I am emotionally free to choose my path. Any path will have its tradeoffs and burdens. There are no ideal solutions and paths. I will pick the consequences I would rather face. I will then bear the tradeoffs with a healthy attitude. All actions and even inaction have consequences. There is no escaping responsibility for my life.
7. Dependent mindset: It would be awful if I am criticized by others when I make my own decisions.
Self-reliant, rational alternative attitude: It will be bad and undesirable if I am criticized by others when I make my own decisions, but not awful, terrible, or the end of the world. I can withstand criticism as it has occurred before. There are no perfect solutions here. If I let someone else make my decisions for me, I am assuming that they know what I like and that they can make a better decision for me. Both of these assumptions are not necessarily true. By making my own decisions, I have a better chance of getting what I like and getting better at making future decisions through experience.
8. Dependent mindset: I could not bear the uncomfortable feeling when I became aware that others do not agree with what I say and do.
Self-reliant, rational alternative attitude: I will feel uncomfortable feelings at the awkward moment when I become aware others do not agree with what I am saying and doing, but it will not be unbearable. I can bear the awkward moment. I will withstand it because I do not see a real advantage of not saying and doing what I believe in and want to do because of the awkward feelings I might feel. I want the freedom to speak my mind and do as I see best.
9. Dependent mindset: When others disagree with my decisions and preferences and covey their disapproval, I am lesser of a person.
Self-reliant, rational alternative attitude: When others disagree with my decisions and preferences and covey their disapproval, it does not mean I am lesser of a person unless I wrongly choose to define myself in this arbitrary way. Doing so would be invalid as other people’s approval or disapproval does not measure my human worth. The total worth of a human cannot be validly estimated. Polls can measure my popularity and the popularity of my decisions, but my worth as a human is not linked to poll results unless I arbitrarily choose to do so. I will unconditionally accept myself rather than rate myself on the condition of winning the approval of others.
Conclusion
You can grow as a person and learn to stand on your own two feet. Cultivating this emotional independence takes disciplining your mind. There are great advantages to emotional independence, and REBT philosophy can help you achieve this liberation. If you see the advantages of self-reliance and thinking for yourself, you can achieve this through the study of the philosophy of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. REBT is both a philosophy and psychotherapy. It is a sensible approach that can help you live a fuller, more meaningful life. Standing on your own two feet can be fun, exciting, and very rewarding. Give it a try!
Saturday Rational Emotive Behavioral Zoom Conversation hour 9 AM Eastern, 2 PM GMT, 2 PM UTC:
If you enjoyed and profited from this piece, you may also wish to attend my Saturday Zoom Conversation hour. This Zoom meeting is an opportunity to observe me discuss implementing these philosophical ideas with a volunteer who elects to share a real problem. These Saturday Zoom Conversation hours are free of charge to attend. You can select to volunteer to discuss a problem with me, or you may choose to merely witness the conversation I have with someone else and then submit any questions you have about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Go here to learn how to receive the Zoom Invitation:
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