In 1956 Albert Ellis gave an important address at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association. In this seminal address, he outlined twelve ideas that cause emotional disturbance and human misery. Until this time, Freud’s approach, and variants of orthodox Freudian theory, dominated psychotherapy. Ellis introduced a new paradigm that was to usher in what we now know as cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). This lecture was a game-changing address.
This email is the last of twelve successive Intermittent Reinforcement email messages corresponding to his address. In each of these messages, I have quoted the twelve ideas identified by Ellis in his 1956 speech, one at a time, and show how they are still relevant today and further discuss them. If these ideas are corrected, you are likely to experience a healthier emotional life.
Idea #12 – The idea that one has virtually no control over one’s emotions and one cannot help feeling certain things—instead of the idea that one has enormous control over one’s emotions if one chooses to work at controlling them and to practice saying the right kinds of sentences to oneself.
In my view, this idea from Ellis’s 1956 address is profoundly liberating and hopeful. It is the idea we now refer to in REBT as the Principle of Emotional Responsibility. In REBT, we teach you that you largely disturb yourself by holding rigid and extreme unspoken attitudes towards the frustrating or grim circumstances you encounter in life.
Before exposure to REBT philosophy, people will often report that other people make them angry. They depict themselves as a victim of circumstances. I show them that adverse events are opportunities to disturb ourselves and use these circumstances to drive ourselves unsane. When people stop attributing their emotional disturbance to circumstances and other people, they set themselves on the path of controlling their emotional destiny. Let’s examine the Principle of Emotional Responsibility from the standpoint of the ABC model of emotion:
Adversity: The adverse circumstance you encounter.
Basic Attitude: The three unspoken rigid attitudes towards yourself, others, and life that lie at the core of your emotional disturbance: “I must do well, you must treat me nicely, life must be easy, comfortable, and predictable.”
Consequence: Emotional, behavioral, and subsequent biased thinking, created and maintained mainly by your unspoken rigid and extreme implicit attitudes.
When you accept responsibility for your emotional reactions, you can control them to a large extent. I am not suggesting positive thinking. In REBT, we acknowledge that when you encounter adversity and do not get what you want, you will feel a negative emotion. Feeling neutral about the misfortune would be self-defeating. Such a neutral emotional response would not motivate you to change what you can change about the adversity you have encountered. It would also mean you are indifferent to the reality you are facing, which is not true. However, we want you to see that you can choose between healthy negative responses and unhealthy negative responses when you do not get what you want. Your acknowledgment that your goals and purposes have been thwarted and threatened will produce healthy negative feelings. This healthy negative emotion will motivate you to change what you can change to achieve what you desire. The unhealthy negative emotions do just the opposite. Although they acknowledge the negative state of affairs, they are likely to produce self-defeating behavioral responses and distorted subsequent thinking. They can lead to impulsive behavior in the case of anger or lead you to inertia or unhealthy avoidance of problems in the case of depression and anxiety. Instead, rational thinking will lead to healthy, self-helping emotions. See the below list:
Healthy, Self-Helping Negative Emotions are:
Concern
Sadness
Remorse
Disappointment
Sorrow
Healthy (self-helping) anger
Healthy (self-helping) jealousy
Healthy (self-helping) envy
Unhealthy, Self-Defeating Negative Emotions are:
Anxiety
Depression
Guilt
Shame
Hurt
Unhealthy (self-defeating) anger
Unhealthy (self-defeating) jealousy
Unhealthy (self-defeating) envy
In REBT, we teach you to see that your unhealthy emotional reactions are the result of three implicit rigid attitudes:
1. I absolutely must perform well.
2. You absolutely must treat me nicely.
3. The world absolutely must be comfortable, easy, and predictable.
To control your emotional reactions and have healthy negative emotions, you need to see that these three ideas are false to the facts and lead to self-defeating behavior. At first, you may think these three rigid ideas are correct. However, closer examination will reveal that things never have to be as we want them to be. No matter how badly we want what we want, the fact remains, we never absolutely have to have what we desire. Life is hard in this way.
In REBT, we refer to this as the elegant philosophical position. Once you accept this philosophical attitude, you will have achieved a profound philosophical change that allows you to have unconditional acceptance for yourself, others, and life. You will still have your wants and wishes that are true to the facts and will help you acknowledge reality and change what you can change about it to get what you desire. The corresponding three flexible attitudes which are both true and will help you get more of what you want in life are:
1. I want to perform well, but I never absolutely have to do so.
2. I want you to treat me nicely, but you never absolutely have to do so.
3. I want the world to be comfortable, easy, and predictable, but it never absolutely has to be so.
Controlling our emotions is difficult to do. It is our nature as humans to go from “This is important, and I want this” to “and therefore, things absolutely must be as I want them to be.” We jump from our wants and wishes to rigid musts. We quickly transform what we desire into an absolute necessity. When reality does not conform to our preferences, we disturb ourselves by creating a rigid attitude towards the desired outcome. All humans tend to do this. This illogical way of thinking is our nature as humans. We can discipline ourselves to avoid this jump from a wish to a rigid demand, but it takes regular effort.
REBT will help you to control your emotional destiny. REBT makes you aware of the critical role your unspoken attitudes play in creating your emotional disturbance. It also enables you to zero in on the specific rigid attitudes you hold. You think rigidly either about yourself, others, or life itself. It would be best to use REBT to challenge your rigid attitudes and transform them into rational, self-helping, flexible attitudes. Keep challenging your absolutistic musts until you see they are false to the facts.
Most importantly, you have to rehearse flexible, realistic attitudes. It would be best if you keep reminding yourself of your wishes without transforming them into demands at the most tempting moments. Then it would help if you searched for an opportunity to act upon these flexible ideas. It would be best if you used them, think about them, reiterate them when things go wrong for you. It is then that you likely will think rigidly. Do what is difficult. Remember, if you work at this way of thinking, if you do what is hard, you will eventually succeed at disciplining your mind and controlling your emotional reactions. You will achieve a state of rational conviction. With regular practice, you will believe in your capabilities to never disturb yourself regardless of the adversity you face. At that point, you will have liberated yourself from emotional suffering.
Bottom line:
- Take responsibility for your anger, depression, anxiety, and other unhealthy emotions.
- Challenge your “musts” and keep your wishes for things. Choose to feel healthy negative emotions.
- Discipline your mind. You can achieve conviction in the power of unconditional acceptance of self, others, and life and thereby achieve a profound philosophical change.
- You can liberate yourself from needless emotional misery.
Saturday Rational Emotive Behavioral Zoom Conversation hour 9 AM Eastern, 2 PM GMT, 2 PM UTC:
If you enjoyed and profited from this piece, you may also wish to attend my Saturday Zoom Conversation hour. This Zoom meeting is an opportunity to observe me discuss implementing these philosophical ideas with a volunteer who elects to share a real problem. These Saturday Zoom Conversation hours are free of charge to attend. You can select to volunteer to discuss a problem with me, or you may choose to merely witness the conversation I have with someone else and then submit any questions you have about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Go here to learn how to receive the Zoom Invitation:
https://rebtdoctor.com/rational-emotive-behavioral-weekly-zoom-conversation-hour.html
Please feel free to pass this email and invitation to attend my Saturday Rational Emotive Behavioral Zoom Conversation hour to a friend.