In 1956 Albert Ellis gave an important address at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association. In this seminal address, he outlined twelve ideas that cause emotional disturbance and human misery. Until this time, Freud’s approach, and variants of orthodox Freudian theory, dominated psychotherapy. Ellis introduced a new paradigm that was to usher in what we now know as cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). This lecture was a game-changing address.
This email is the tenth of twelve successive Intermittent Reinforcement email messages. In each of these messages, I will quote the twelve ideas identified by Ellis in his 1956 address, one at a time, and show how they are still relevant today and further discuss them. If these ideas are corrected, you are likely to experience a healthier emotional life.
Idea #10 – That it is vitally important to our existence what other people do, and that we should make great efforts to change them in the direction we would like them to be – instead of the idea that other people’s deficiencies are largely their problems and that putting pressure on them to change is usually least likely to help them do so.
Years ago, as part of my training with Ellis, we ran a weekly therapy group together. On countless occasions, he would say to members of the group, “People will do what they want, not what you want.” I came to see this as wise advice to someone complaining about a family member, coworker, a romantic partner, or someone else in the person’s life. I strive to implement it in my life every day.
As a practicing psychologist, I estimate that most of the conversations I have with people aim to help them cope with their disturbed emotional responses to other people’s actions. Yes, people have problems with themselves, rate themselves, and down themselves, and we work on that pernicious habit a good deal of the time. Yes, people whine and complain about the injustice of life and the unfair burdens the hand of fate has given them to bear. However, it seems as if they most often speak about their problems of living and working with other fallible humans. Throughout the day, I listen to people describe how they anger themselves and depress themselves over what another person does or fails to do instead of unconditionally accepting the other person and not trying to change them. In the above idea, we see Ellis cautioning people to avoid making another person’s problem their own and upsetting themselves about that problem. He also advises us not to push people into changing something we define as a problem, which in fact, they may or may not see as a problem. Forcing people to change typically has dismal results.
People give me all kinds of reasons justifying the pressure they put on another person to change. In REBT couples therapy, it is not uncommon for each spouse to attribute their emotional disturbance to the other spouse. I challenge the couple by encouraging each spouse to identify and work on changing something about themselves, which will improve the relationship. I counter we have minimal influence over others, and it is far better to make the most of controlling our reaction to the other person than trying to change them. When we try to change others or pressure them into changing, people often dig their heels in and resist our well-meaning efforts. If they do not oppose us overtly, they will do so covertly.
In REBT, I offer people attitudes and behaviors as options and explain the reasoning, which shows why one philosophy is self-helping and the other self-defeating. I offer rational perspectives that they can choose to hold and use in their relationships to help them get more of what they want and less self-created aggravation. For example, when someone complains about their sibling angrily, I point out that they may choose between holding preferences for what they want and making demands for what they want. People will anger themselves when they have an illogical attitude “Because I show respect to my sister, therefore she absolutely should show respect to me.” I point out that their reasoning is deeply flawed. All people have free will and will exercise that will in ways that they want to exercise it regardless of how well we treat them. As a solution, I try to offer a rational option to choose if it suits them. For example, I would provide the angry sibling the attitude, “Even though I show respect to my sister, it does not mean she must or is compelled to return that respect to me. She has free will and will do what suits her and not what necessarily suits me.” I like to point out that the universe compels us to abide by the law of gravity, but it does not force us to treat each other nicely. Since there is no natural law of reciprocity or civility between people, it is sometimes a free-for-all down here on earth when relating to others.
Ellis wrote many self-help books and once wrote that his favorite was one of his earliest written in 1957 titled How to Live with a Neurotic. In that book, he speaks of the importance of unconditionally accepting the other person to help the neurotic. There are consequences when you hold a rigid attitude towards another person. You will be emotionally disturbed and less likely to help them or persuade them in part because your demanding stance is an expression of conditional acceptance of the other person. If you hold the attitude “My sibling must change,” you are implying that they are unacceptable because they do not currently exist as they must exist. This attitude is one leading to conditional other-acceptance. When we accept others on conditional terms, we will unwittingly anger ourselves because others will often not meet our conditions due to their exercise of free will. Once we anger ourselves, our ability to effectively relate and influence the other person degrades due to this off-putting emotion. Even if the other individual is motivated to meet our conditions, they may fail because they are imperfect creatures of nature and fall short of their goals. Conditional other-acceptance often leads to strained relationships.
As a psychologist, I care very much about helping my patients. However, I try never to care so much as to cross the line and insist they follow REBT’s useful teaching. I think REBT is a very liberating philosophy of life. I strive to disseminate it widely and help others free themselves by learning how to use it properly. I fail, and some people do not “get it.” Even when they deeply understand the value of acceptance and REBT’s Principle of Emotional Responsibility, some do not work at using it. Some people continue to blame others for their emotional upset. They fail to see the liberating power of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance. In response to their resistance, I attempt to model the REBT philosophy and choose to feel satisfied with my efforts even when my efforts fail miserably. I believe that as fallible humans, people have a perfect right to disturb themselves and act in a self-defeating way.
In your dealings with others, realize that people are responsible for themselves and their lives. Their problems are their problems. The best individual for a person to rely on to solve a problem is themselves. Do not make their problems yours by demanding that they do what you want even when you think you know better and have their best interest at heart. You can rationally feel concerned and disappointed, but do not anger or depress yourself. More often than not, people will do what they want and not what you want. Also, they will do things in their timeframe, not yours. You have a far better chance of controlling your reaction to other people than managing them and getting them to change. Managing your emotional response to another person is difficult enough without trying to do the impossible, which is to control another person’s emotions and behavior. Keep loving others and unconditionally accept them, but work hard to avoid demanding that they change. You are well-advised not to accept their behavior and let them take advantage of you. Set limits on their behavior so that they do not harm you. However, pressuring them to change will undermine your relationship with them. In pressuring them to change, you will anger yourself or them and further reduce your well-being and strain your relationship with them. It is their life, and they have the right to live it or waste it as they want. Remember the wise words of Benjamin Franklin, “A good example is the best sermon.”
Bottom Line: People will do what they want and not what you want.
Saturday Rational Emotive Behavioral Zoom Conversation hour 9 AM Eastern, 2 PM GMT, 2 PM UTC:
If you enjoyed and profited from this piece, you may also wish to attend my Saturday Zoom Conversation hour. This Zoom meeting is an opportunity to observe me discuss implementing these philosophical ideas with a volunteer who elects to share a real problem. These Saturday Zoom Conversation hours are free of charge to attend. You can select to volunteer to discuss a problem with me, or you may choose to merely witness the conversation I have with someone else and then submit any questions you have about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Go here to learn how to receive the Zoom Invitation:
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