Do not pray for an easy life,
pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. – Bruce Lee
REBT is a tough-minded approach to life’s challenges. When patients discuss their greatest fears and disappointments with me, some of these may seem unlikely to occur. As an REBT psychotherapist, I will initially not point out how the patient’s view of reality may be distorted or exaggerated. It is tempting to reassure patients that they may not be correct in their “distorted” view of reality. Many other cognitive behavior therapists would attempt to show the patient that there is insufficient evidence that they can be sure that reality will be as grim as they expect it to be in the future. Nevertheless, as a REBT\cbt psychotherapist, I resist the temptation to offer such reassurance.
Instead of initially reassuring patients that their worst-case scenario will not occur, I will temporarily assume it will happen as they too are thinking it will. This approach will enable me to identify their underlying rigid and extreme attitudes responsible for their unhealthy emotional upset. Collaboratively, we will look for one of the three fundamental rigid attitudes REBT theory hypothesizes lies at the core of their emotional disturbance, such as:
1. I must do perfectly well and possess all the desirable characteristics I believe I absolutely should possess.
2. You must treat me nicely, and in all the ways I believe you absolutely should.
3. The conditions of life must be easy, comfortable, predictable, and safe.
Once we have zeroed in on one of the above three rigid attitudes and customized it to language that best represents the content of your thinking towards the matter, we will look for one of the three derivative attitudes REBT hypothesizes adds fuel to the emotional fire. These three derivatives, in general, are known as:
1. Attitudes of Unbearability towards adversity.
2. Awfulizing attitudes about the badness of adversity.
3. Depreciation attitudes towards the self, other people, or the whole of life focusing on one or more bad parts of oneself, another person, or life.
The tough-minded approach of REBT is to help people come to give up their absolutistic demands about how things must be and to accept what cannot be changed. However, this is not a philosophy of giving it because this philosophical acceptance allows us to make every effort to change what is changeable in any undesirable set of circumstances. In the end, we want the individual to adopt an attitude more along the lines:
Flexible Attitude towards Oneself
1. I would like to do perfectly well and possess all the desirable characteristics I believe I wish to possess, but I acknowledge this does not have to be the case. I see and accept that the universe allows me to error and to be a fallible human.
Flexible Attitude towards Others
2. I would like you to treat me nicely, and in all the ways I believe you preferably could treat me, but I acknowledge that you do not have to do so. I see and accept that the universe does not compel humans to treat each other nicely and fairly. Humans have free will and sadly sometimes choose to treat each other in an unkind manner. Such mistreatment is unfortunate but an observable fact of life that I had better learn to survive.
Flexible Attitude towards the Conditions of Life
3. I would love if conditions of life were always easy, comfortable, predictable, and safe, but I see that they do not have to be so. I acknowledge that life is often very challenging and sometimes downright tragic, and unfortunately, this is the nature of life. I also recognize that I can adapt and have some happiness in life with the proper attitude even under the most challenging conditions life has to offer.
When a person adopts the flexible and realistic attitudes specified above, they normally tend to avoid the extreme derivative attitudes specified above. Instead, they are more likely to hold these types of secondary non-extreme attitudes:
An attitude of Bearability
1. It is a struggle to face this adversity, but it is not unbearable. I can struggle with this adversity. I am willing and commit to the struggle because it is worth doing and\or I do not have a choice in the matter as the adversity exists in my life.
An Anti-awfulizing Attitude
2. This adversity is bad but not awful because things could be worse, and good can come from bad.
An Attitude of Unconditional Self-Acceptance
3. Unfortunately, it is apparent that I possess certain undesirable qualities, but it does not prove I am lesser of a human. These undesirable qualities prove I am a fallible human. I can work on minimizing or replacing these qualities, but whether I do or are unable to do this successfully, I can accept myself warts and all.
Note that the healthy attitudes specified above aim to face the adversity or misfortune that the patient is discussing, not minimizing the possibility of its existence or the struggle it is to cope with it. After we develop this attitude of acceptance of adversity in session, I direct the patient’s attention to the negatively distorting effects of their rigid and extreme attitudes on what they infer is happening or may happen in the future. Take note that the REBT\cbt psychotherapist addresses these cognitive distortions after discussing a healthy attitude toward adversity. The theory of REBT posits that we come to situations with rigid and extreme attitudes and that these unhealthy attitudes distort how we may perceive reality. REBT theory hypothesizes that there may be some relief if we straightaway chose to address these distorted thoughts. Still, this relief will be temporary since the underlying rigid and extreme attitudes remain active and not addressed.
This strategy enables the therapist to address a more fundamental problem in the person’s philosophy towards life. For this reason, we in REBT first help the patient come to terms with the worst-case scenario. Once doing this, we can objectively examine whether or not the individual will likely face the adversity or is exaggerating how difficult it will be to contend with the hardship if it occurs.
For example, suppose a patient holds the attitude that the weather during their vacation must be spectacular. In that case, they will be prone to distorted thoughts before the holiday when they look at the advanced weather prediction. Their rigid attitude of demanding spectacular weather during their vacation will likely contribute to distorted thoughts that it is impossible to have a fantastic holiday if the weather is not as it must be, known as the fortune teller error. The rigid attitude will make them prone to minimizing or dismissing the possibility of having a great time even if the weather is not ideal.
Once I have helped the patient avoid rigidly adhering to the idea that they must have spectacular weather, they will be better able to see that it is possible to have a fantastic vacation even if the weather is not spectacular. Their rigid demand does not taint their prediction of pleasure. They are open to the possibility.
I indeed work to practice what I preach in this regard. Whenever I plan a vacation, I strive to hold a flexible attitude towards having spectacular weather. I want such weather, but I know that there will not be a second chance to have the vacation experience if the weather is not ideal. Therefore, I prepare myself to do different activities if the weather does not cooperate. I have a fair and balanced view of how I might have a great vacation because I am not holding a rigid attitude towards the adversity of bad weather during a planned break. For example, I strive to preserve a healthy mindset:
I would love to have spectacular weather during my vacation, but I acknowledge that the weather may not be so and does not have to be spectacular. I recognize that the weather will sometimes not cooperate when on vacation, which is the nature of life. I also acknowledge that I can adapt and have a great holiday with the proper attitude, even if the weather is less than ideal. The vacation might not be as good as it would be if the weather were spectacular, but it will not be completely bad unless I spoil it with a rigid attitude. There are no “do-overs” in life, and I will make the best of my time on vacation with whatever weather I encounter. I will not be biased and see that it is always possible that the weather report may be inaccurate or that I could enjoy doing things that inclement weather would force me to do.
In the above stance towards the weather, you do not see evidence of a negative bias towards the possibility of an inaccurate advanced weather report or a biased dismissal that it is conceivable of having great fun despite inclement weather. There is less chance of distorting reality when we hold a flexible and non-extreme attitude towards life.
Summary: You come to situations with rigid and extreme attitudes. These unhealthy attitudes negatively affect your inferences as you anticipate and face a possible problem and your subsequent thinking once your misfortune has occurred. Resist the temptation to reassure yourself that particular adversity must not happen. First, assume it may occur and prepare a tough-minded attitude for handling it. Once you have done so, you will be in a more objective frame of mind to go back and examine your inferences and assumptions. You will likely be in a better frame of mind to perceive the many possibilities of how things more accurately might evolve in your life. By following REBT’s method of temporarily assuming the worst-case scenario, you prepare yourself to have the strength to face it if it occurs, and you also profit from seeing that none of us can predict the future. You may be needlessly worrying about an event that never eventually occurs. In the end, REBT will help you prepare for the worst and hope for the best with a fair and unbiased view that the best outcome is possible!