In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I encourage you to learn to help yourself. To do so, you must reflect upon your emotional and behavioral reactions. I want you to know how to identify and replace your rigid and\or extreme attitudes, leading to your unhealthy, self-defeating emotions and behaviors.
Over the years, REBT psychotherapists have designed different REBT self-help worksheets. Ellis pushed his patients to use them as he appreciated how useful they could be in cultivating a new and healthier way of thinking. I know of four different versions, and unfortunately, I know too few people who use them. Failing to use these worksheets is unfortunate, as a self-help worksheet is an effective tool in learning to use REBT. Call me old school, but I think there is still a place for pen and paper in our digital world. Occasionally, I even use a self-help worksheet to reflect upon and disrupt my own self-defeating emotional and behavioral reactions. I recently angered myself when my credit card had to be canceled, an inconvenience to me due to a small fraudulent charge that was made with it when I was ordering office supplies. Since I had recently created an EASY self-help worksheet, I used it to help me unanger myself and get back on track.
You can download this Easy self-help worksheet by clicking here.
People tend not to do self-help worksheets because they wrongly believe these worksheets are too hard to do correctly. People may also think that these worksheets must be done perfectly to help disrupt their self-defeating reactions. I want to emphasize the importance of using my EASY worksheet the next time you are upset. Do allow yourself to use it imperfectly. If you do, you will find that in short order, you will get better at identifying your self-defeating rigid and\or extreme attitudes and get better at changing them to alleviate your unhealthy, self-defeating reactions.
To use the downloadable sheet, keep these pointers in mind:
1. Start with identifying the adversity you face (A) or the self-defeating feelings and behaviors you are exhibiting and wish to change (C).
2. In identifying the adversity try to identify the critical element within the adversity. This is the element of the adversity that you are having an emotional reaction to and are disturbing yourself about. The critical element is the aspect of the situation you find most disturbing or distressful. If you do not know for sure what that element is, take a guess and move on.
3. In identifying the unhealthy feelings and behaviors you are putting at point (C), pick one of the eight basic emotions: anxiety, dysfunctional anger, depression, shame, guilt, hurt, dysfunctional envy, dysfunctional jealousy. If you are not sure, then guess at one.
4. Remember to three basic Musts and pick one that might be causing you to upset yourself. Don’t be afraid to guess:
- I must do ideally well.
- You must treat me precisely as I want you to treat me.
- Life must be comfortable, easy, and precisely as I want it to be.
5. You may also have a secondary derivative attitude. Guess at one:
- This is unbearable, too hard to tolerate, etc.
- This is more than bad. It is awful, terrible, or the end of the world!
- Rating the whole of a person or life:
- I am a failure, a bad person, lesser, or worthless.
- You are a failure, a bad person, lesser, or worthless.
- Life is totally bad.
6. Try your best at questioning your rigid and\or extreme attitudes. Use the questions on the ABCDEF self-help worksheet.
7. Create flexible and non-extreme attitudes that will be your new effective philosophy. These attitudes do not have to be perfectly stated but try to create attitudes that will help you change what you can change about the adversity while accepting what you cannot change. Below are a few examples:
Flexible attitudes:
- I want to do ideally well but do not have to do so. (My preference towards my own self)
- I prefer that you treat me precisely as I want you to treat me, but you do not have to do so. It is easier for me to change than it is to change you. (My preference towards you and others)
- I want life to be comfortable, easy, and precisely as I want it to be, but life does not have to be so. (My preference towards life)
Non-extreme attitudes:
- This is challenging to bear but not unbearable. I can bear it and will commit to bearing it because it is worth bearing. (Bearability)
- This may be a bad thing to face, but it is not awful because it could be worse than it is, and good can come from bad. (Non-awfulizing)
- If I fail, lose, or do a bad deed it only goes to prove I am a fallible human. I can still validly choose not to define my total self by my failures, losses, and bad deeds. Instead, it is valid always for me to choose to unconditionally accept myself. (A bad part of me does not stand for the whole of me)
- If you fail, lose or do a bad thing, it only proves you to are a fallible human just like everyone else. You are not lesser or worthless despite your negative behavior. I can choose to accept you as a person unconditionally, and it is in my best interest to do so. (A bad part of you does not represent the whole of you)
- When there are bad times and events in life, it never means life is totally bad. Life is always a mix of good, neutral, and bad. I can unconditionally accept life with its bad aspects, and it is in my best interest to do so. (A dark chapter in life does not mean the whole book of life is bad.)
8. Remember your goal is to get to a healthy negative emotion using your new effective philosophy. The healthy bad feeling is an acknowledgment of the adversity you face and will motivate you to change what you can change about the adversity you face. It will also allow you to have some degree of happiness despite the trouble in your life. The eight healthy negative emotions are concern, functional anger, sadness, disappointment, remorse, sorrow, functional envy, functional jealousy. Don’t be afraid to guess at one that will apply and help you react in a healthy way to your particular adversity.
9. Push yourself to act upon your effective new philosophy. By proceeding through life consistently with the new flexible and non-extreme attitudes of this philosophy, you will develop conviction in its usefulness. As you see how these new attitudes help you change what you can change and accept what you cannot change, you will come to sincerely believe in the truth of the flexible and non-extreme philosophical attitudes you have created. The more you do these self-help worksheets, you will liberate yourself from self-defeating emotional upset and have some degree of happiness even when adversity exists in your life. I know you can use my worksheet to help yourself. I dare you to try!
Note: On Saturdays, I hold a free Zoom conversation hour where I take a volunteer and discuss one of their problems. If you have an emotional problem you would like to discuss with me, perhaps you will volunteer and I will show you how to think in a more effective way about your problem. I will show you the rigid and extreme attitudes that are leading to your self-defeating emotions and holding you back from achieving your goals.
This Zoom meeting place every Saturday at the following times:
Philadelphia (USA – Pennsylvania) Saturdays at 9:00:00 am EDT UTC-4 hours
London (United Kingdom – England) Saturdays at 2:00:00 pm BST UTC+1 hour
Paris (France – Île-de-France) Saturdays at 3:00:00 pm CEST UTC+2 hours
Bucharest (Romania) Saturdays at 4:00:00 pm EEST UTC+3 hours
Moscow (Russia – Moscow) Saturdays at 4:00:00 pm MSK UTC+3 hours
Kabul (Afghanistan) Saturdays at 5:30:00 pm AFT UTC+4:30 hours
Karachi (Pakistan – Sindh) Saturdays at 6:00:00 pm PKT UTC+5 hours
New Delhi (India – Delhi) Saturdays at 6:30:00 pm IST UTC+5:30 hours
Tokyo (Japan) Saturdays at 10:00:00 pm JST UTC+9 hours
Sydney (Australia – New South Wales) Sundays at 12:00:00 midnight AEDT UTC+11 hours
Corresponding UTC (GMT) Saturdays at 13:00:00
Go here to learn how to receive your Zoom Invitation:
Please feel free to pass this email and invitation to attend my Saturday Rational Emotive Behavioral Zoom Conversation hour to a friend.