How to Survive When Your Adult Child Cuts You Out of Their Life

My weekly therapy discussions with patients inspire some of my Intermittent Reinforcement emails. One particularly challenging problem parents request help with is when an adult child rejects them and refuses to have anything to do with them. Parents suffer tremendously when this occurs and often experience powerlessness, bitterness, anger, and hurt. Sadly, a parent cannot make an adult child accept them into their life, give them the benefit of the doubt, forgive them, and resume a relationship with them. As a result of estrangement from their adult child, parents do not participate in milestones in their adult children’s lives, including their grandchildren’s milestones. When this occurs, it is not uncommon for the parent to make repeated overtures of reconciliation only to meet with stubborn rejection. Hurt, bitterness, and depression set in and are particularly intense on the date of birthdays, general holidays, and annual days in honor of one’s mother and father.

Coping with Heartwrenching Rejection with Philosophy

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is a philosophy of life and a system of ideas that lends itself to helping people cope with heartwrenching rejection in its many forms. Humans have difficulty managing their emotional reactions to one another, and estrangement from family results. Although children learn how to apply reason, logic, and critical thinking skills to all sorts of academic problems as they go through years of schooling en route to adulthood, sadly, using these skills to resolve emotional difficulties resulting from interpersonal conflict is not part of most academic curricula. Teaching people how to manage their emotions is left to “therapists,” who appear to be failing to do an adequate job of helping people to live tolerantly with each other. Sometimes therapists are part of the problem, sanctioning estrangement as a solution to conflict with a parent. This failure in our educational system and by those practicing “therpay” contributes to people experiencing interpersonal strife, resulting in self-defeating emotional reactions that sometimes get resolved by cutting people out of their lives. Therapeutic catchphrases found on the internet, the repository of “accurate” information, like “toxic relationships,” “toxic people,” and “triggering,” are commonly used to rationalize the idea that cutting people out of one’s life is a sensible thing to do. After all, if you were unfortunate enough to have a “toxic parent” who “triggers” you, then the logical thing to do is refuse to have a relationship with them. Problem solved.

Parenting is Extremely Difficult

I am not a parent and have never raised a child. However, from my vantage point, a parent’s job is incredibly demanding, and many children do not appreciate this fact. Given the many freedoms I enjoy due to not being a parent, I can only imagine the depth of commitment and love it takes to embrace such a great responsibility as raising one or more children. Parents, being human, continue to experience all the same emotional, physical, and economic vulnerabilities they had as childless individuals. Parents still sometimes let life get to them, and they struggle with depression, become tired or physically ill, face job pressures, and sometimes lose their jobs. Despite these challenges, a parent must be on call twenty-four hours, seven days a week, to supervise the care of a child or children. A parent returns home from work exhausted from meeting the demands of being out in the world attempting to make a decent living, only to go home to children who require their attention and assistance in many different ways. Often, there is no rest for the weary parent!

Parents Make Mistakes and Are Fallible Humans

On the other hand, I am not attempting to make excuses for parental misbehavior. Prospective parents should carefully consider in advance the tremendously demanding job they take on when they choose to have a child or children. As I see it, having a child is a choice to enrich one’s life. All options have a price, and responsibility and tremendous sacrifice are the price of the joys of being a parent. There are no guarantees that your children will appreciate your sacrifices and develop healthily. Let the buyer beware. When considering starting a family, I guess that people are less likely to fully consider what it would be like to have a child who does poorly in school, gets arrested or addicted, and fails to make it in the world to the stage of self-sufficiency. As in the justice system, ignorance of the law is not a defense; many parents may not think through what they are getting themselves into before they choose to have a child. However, this ignorance of the future possibilities and obligations is not a defense that absolves them of those responsibilities.

Children are Fallible, Too

Like children, parents misbehave and can exhibit negligence. I am not taking sides in the parent-child conflict I am writing about. Sometimes, it is sensible not to have a relationship with a parent. Two such situations that come to mind are instances of sexual abuse and substance abuse. Past sexual abuse is likely to be a reason not to relate to a parent, and active substance abuse would likely qualify as well. I am attempting to set the stage for a fair and balanced analysis of some of the elements of the solution to painful conflicts between adult children and their parents, which do not have to end in estrangement. Parents have a difficult job because they are fallible humans and make all sorts of mistakes as parents. Parents do not receive an instruction manual when they leave the hospital with a newborn. They have to learn on the job. Likewise, children also have a challenging experience in their relationship with their parents because they, too, are fallible humans and are relatively inexperienced in the facts of life. This combination of flawed, limited, inexperienced parents raising a fallible, immature, idealistic child is a recipe for emotional challenges on both sides of the relationship.

Enough of the preliminaries. How can a parent cope with the rejection of an adult child who wishes to have little or nothing to do with them? According to the REBT theory, the rejected parent needs to identify the healthy emotional reaction they can experience in the face of such painful rejection. There is an existential choice a parent has. When estranged from their child, the parent can be hurt, bitter, and depressed or strive to feel great sorrow and disappointment.

Strive for Healthy Attitudes Leading to Healthy Negative Emotions

REBT argues that healthy negative emotions are qualitatively different than unhealthy negative emotions. Healthy negative emotions are painful, but they allow the jilted parent to make realistic attempts to modify what is within their domain of influence and to accept and move on when spurned. Healthy negative emotions enable a parent to experience some happiness despite living with a painful rejection by their son or daughter. REBT argues this is possible and prudent because humans likely only get one life. When something highly negative occurs, chronic self-defeating emotional upset only undermines an individual’s ability to make the most of a sad situation and live life to the fullest despite it.

Let’s examine a few (of many possible) self-defeating attitudes a parent may hold that interfere with their ability to successfully respond to an adult child’s decision to reject them:

Self-harming parental attitude: I tried my best in this relationship, even if I failed miserably. Given all my sacrifices over the years, my child (absolutely) must give me the benefit of the doubt.

Self-compassionate parental attitude: I tried my best in my relationship with my child and failed miserably. I wish I had succeeded in this relationship and done things far better than I did. I want my child to acknowledge that I have tried my best and made enormous sacrifices for them over the years. However, sadly, they do not (absolutely) have to recognize that I tried my best and made all those sacrifices. Adult children do not have to be fair-minded and give me the benefit of the doubt. It is also true I did not have to play the role of a parent more effectively than I did. The universe does not compel fallible humans to do things ideally well. Parents and their children can play their roles badly and see things differently. I will unconditionally accept myself whether or not my child extends the benefit of the doubt to me or not. I will show them unconditional other-acceptance even if I think their decision not to relate to me is unjust. They, too, are fallible and do not have to accept me in their life even though I know I tried my best over the years. Showing them unconditional other-acceptance while unconditionally accepting myself is in my emotional best interest. It also leaves the door open if they have a change of heart.

Self-harming parental attitude: Because I am imperfect and did not set out to hurt or injure them, my child must be willing to forgive and forget how I have hurt them.

Self-compassionate parental attitude: Because I am imperfect and did not set out to hurt or injure them, it would be very nice if my child were willing to forgive and forget how I have hurt them. The unfortunate fact remains that my child does not have to take into account that my aim was not to hurt or injure them but to raise them well. My child does not have to be forgiving and let go of their feelings in response to my hurtful statements and actions over the years. I cannot change them nor unsay what I said, but I can change myself, acknowledge what I could have done differently, and refuse to condemn myself for my hurtful statements and actions over the years. I also did many good things; my actions and statements do not make me a bad person. I will not define myself as good or bad, but I will see that some acts were good while others were bad.

Self-harming parental attitude: I do not deserve such disrespect. How dare my son think he has a right to disregard me and my feelings as they do.

Self-compassionate parental attitude: I do not deserve such disrespect, but children do not (absolutely) have to respect their parents. No force of the universe compels a child to respect their parents and have due regard for the feelings of their parents. I wish such a force existed, but we live in an unfair world, and children can and will disrespect their parents and not have regard for their feelings. People see things from their viewpoints and then do what they want, not what I want. It is unfortunate, but I had better accept the reality of life. I will cultivate unconditional acceptance of life and how things stand with my child.

Self-harming parental attitude: I cannot bear the pain of not hearing from my daughter and being denied access to my grandchildren.

Self-compassionate parental attitude: It is painful not to hear from my daughter and to be denied access to my grandchildren, but I can withstand this great pain. Unfortunately, I can not change her mind, make her relate to me, or allow me to be a part of my grandchildren’s lives. Her decision not to have a relationship with me is a significant loss, but I will work to be happy despite bearing this tremendous burden. I will refuse to make myself miserable about the losses I am experiencing and work hard to have some meaning and happiness despite these losses.

Self-harming parental attitude: It is awful that I am not part of my children’s and grandchildren’s lives.

Self-compassionate parental attitude: It is very bad not to be part of my children’s and grandchildren’s lives, but holding a self-defeating, extreme, and illogical attitude toward my loss will not help me cope with it. It can help me to rate this loss carefully and recognize that worse things could happen to me and my wife. For example, my wife and I still have each other. Although it may not be easy for me to see that this exclusion from my children’s and grandchildren’s lives is very bad, not awful, it does not make it sensible to think about things in an unhealthy way. I will benefit from the hard work of adopting a healthy philosophical attitude to this challenging family problem.

Self-harming parental attitude: My kid is an ungrateful jerk for excluding me from their lives and rejecting my apologies.

Self-compassionate parental attitude: Thinking of my kid as an ungrateful jerk for excluding me from their lives and rejecting my apologies will not help me. Devaluing them will not bring out my best in this painful situation. Categorizing and condemning them in this way for their decision to exclude me will only make me bitter and angry. Showing them unconditional other-acceptance while judging their decision to exclude me from their lives and rejecting my apologies will help me have a healthy sorrow for the conditions as they currently exist. My child may condemn me for my shortcomings and past behavior, but I do not have to have the same attitude toward them. Defining them based on their poor decisions and behavior toward me is invalid and self-defeating. I can rightly judge what they do and not do, but I can not validly judge them as people. If I do, I will only anger myself and deepen the pain I feel over this sad state of affairs.

Self-harming parental attitude: Being a parent is not as easy as it looks. My young adult daughter must recognize how hard it is and forgive me for disappointing her over the years.

Self-compassionate parental attitude: Even though being a parent is not as easy as it looks, it does not follow that my young adult daughter must have empathy, give me the benefit of the doubt, and forgive me for disappointing her over the years. She may someday appreciate how difficult it is to be a parent and meet a child’s expectations, but sadly, that day has not yet arrived. I will accept reality as it currently exists and not demand that she have the insight I wish she would have.

Self-harming parental attitude: My son must realize their contribution to our conflict. It was not all me.

Self-compassionate parental attitude: I wish my son would realize their contribution to our conflict. Sadly, they do not and do not have to do so. I know it takes two to tango, but I have more life experience than they have, along with the benefit of REBT’s unconditional self-acceptance. He does not know about REBT’s view that we can accept ourselves even when we have acted poorly and contributed to a conflict. Without unconditional self-acceptance, my son is likely to be defensive and unable to appreciate that he, too, was partly responsible for how we butted heads over the years.

Self-harming parental attitude: Not having a relationship with my son and daughter tears my heart in two, and my life is totally bad, given that I have no relationship with my adult children and their families. I cannot have any happiness given this set of circumstances I face.

Self-compassionate parental attitude: Not having a relationship with my son and daughter tears my heart in two, but my life is not totally bad, even though I have no relationship with my adult children and their families. Although finding meaning and happiness without involvement with them may be more challenging, I can have some degree of happiness if I assume it is possible. I will not let this loss rob me of a meaningful and enjoyable life. I can look forward, not backward, with the help of REBT and throw myself into life. I commit to happiness despite their unfair rejection.

Bottom line: The antidote for this sad situation is cultivating flexible and non-extreme attitudes that lay the foundation for unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance. It is unfortunate when children reject their parents. However, with a healthy, empowering attitude, a parent can absorb the loss and move forward with a meaningful and fulfilling life.

1 thought on “How to Survive When Your Adult Child Cuts You Out of Their Life”

David

December 9, 2024 at 2:32 am

This is just what I needed to read at just the right time. Thank you! I have some work to do to live out the helpful advice given here, and I won’t pretend it will be easy. Heck, none of this has been easy, nor will it ever be, but I pray I can find a way to do it.