Keep Going – Be Impervious to Failure – Dr. Walter J. Matweychuk
It is obvious to say sustained effort matters when pursuing goals. Winston Churchill famously said, “Keep Going.” He who keeps going is considerably more likely to get his prize in the end. REBT helps people continue to maintain an effort towards their goals in the face of an inadequate return on effort in the short run. When people work towards a given goal, the hand of fate does not always cooperate with them. Whether the person is looking for someone to love, a new job, regaining their functioning following surgery, or waiting on a kidney transplant I often find a unique kind of low discomfort tolerance irrational attitude that leads to despair and reduces effort towards the goal. Some people seem to have an unspoken rigid idea of how much effort and patience “must” produce the desired result. Examine the following four self-defeating attitudes:
1. I have been using dating apps for three months and have gone on 15 dates, therefore by now I absolutely should have found a person I can love and who loves me.
2. I have been looking for a new job for six months and have gone on 17 interviews, therefore by now I absolutely should have found the position I am seeking.
3. Since my back surgery, I have been going to physical therapy for three hours per day for eight weeks therefore by now I should be able to walk a greater distance than I can.
4. I have been waiting for a kidney transplant for three years by now I should have received the transplant.
Each person is disturbing themselves over the poor return on investment the universe is yielding them for the effort and patience they have displayed. Each is engaged in erroneous and self-defeating thinking known as a non-sequitur. A non-sequitur is an error in logic where the conclusion does not logically follow from the premise. Albert Ellis taught that it is a design flaw of the human mind whereby fallible humans tend to disturb themselves with non-sequiturs. In each example, the person is upsetting themselves by demanding and commanding that the amount of effort that they have made towards a given goal absolutely should be sufficient to achieve their goal. In working with people, I point out how the universe has a different plan, a different requirement for success. Where the young person thinks 15 dates is enough effort to find love, the hand of fate requires more effort to find love. Love takes more searching, sorry about that fact of your reality. As for the unemployed job seeker who commands and demands that 17 interviews should be the required amount of interviewing to find the job they are looking for, again the universe says not so fast, more work and effort is needed. The hand of fate is not yet done testing your frustration tolerance. With regards to the senior attempting to rehabilitate his ability to walk after back surgery and depresses himself by demanding that he be able to walk further than he can after three hours per day of physical therapy over eight weeks, sadly the universe again wins and denies his rigid demand. For the unfortunate person on dialysis waiting for a kidney transplant they too have a perfect right to feel sorry, sad, and disappointed over their wait but once again fate demands more waiting.
Each person sees their burden as an undeserved plight, an unjust and heavy weight that by now they absolutely should have been relieved of and should have been granted the reward they believe they have earned. This self-defeating reasoning leads to feelings of unhealthy depression, anger, and self-pity. These feelings in the face of serious frustrations are understandable, but they nevertheless remain counterproductive emotional responses because these emotions tend to impair constructive behavior towards the cherished goal. Each person defines themselves as a victim of an uncaring universe which has unfairly denied them of a cherished goal. Furthermore, they are less likely to experience any degree of happiness that remains possible with a healthier attitude, while they struggle for their goal or bear their heavy cross.
REBT to the rescue! REBT targets the enemy which lies within each of us. Despair is a choice that is not a fait accompli for each of these fallible and fragile humans. REBT shows us how to continue to, in the famous words of Winston Churchill, “Keep going.” REBT’s prescription is to cultivate philosophical life acceptance and philosophically accept that the required effort to accomplish the goal has not been reached. REBT shows you how to develop and maintain a wishful, preferential mindset towards what it takes to achieve a challenging goal. REBT also encourages acceptance that the universe sets the bar, that is the amount of effort for attaining a goal. The individual has no choice. Accept the terms or give up on the goal in despair and self-pity. Life drives a hard bargain. There is no room for negotiation over the amount of effort required. Life does not have to be more comfortable. The difficulty is your reality. You do not have to like it, but if you want to achieve your goal, then you need to accept the price of the goal. It is that simple.
Compare and contrast the flexible attitudes, I would teach as an REBT psychotherapist, to each of these three despairing individuals which will enable them to keep going until they either accomplish their goal or cease to exist:
1. I have been using dating apps for three months and have gone on 15 dates, and I wish by now I had found a person I can love and who loves me, but this does not have to be the amount of effort love requires. It is uncomfortable to continue to go on dates and get to know potential lovers but NOT unbearable. I can tolerate continued dating. It is worth making this effort because I want to love and be loved. I can choose to accept the discomfort and frustration inherent in the process and keep at it!
2. I have been looking for a new job for six months and have gone on 17 interviews, and I wish by now I had found the job I am looking for, but this does not have to be the number of interviews required to find the position I am seeking. It is quite trying to have to continue this search over this length of time, and this is what makes it difficult to keep going on interviews, but it is NOT too difficult, or impossibly trying to maintain my effort and go on many more job interviews. I can tolerate the length of time and the number of meetings required to find the job I desire. It is worth doing, and my career is worth this effort. As Churchill said, “Keep going!”
3. I have been going to physical therapy for three hours per day for eight weeks, and very much wish this great effort had produced the desired strength and endurance which would make me capable of walking a greater distance than I presently can, but sadly this does not have to be so. It is hard to continue to put in this amount of time and effort into my physical rehabilitation for such meager yield on investment, but it is not too hard or unbearable for me to continue to exert effort at my physical therapy. I can tolerate this ratio of effort to return on investment until hopefully, I reach a critical point of strength and endurance that yields a significantly higher return in the form of the capability of walking a considerably greater distance than I can now walk. This goal is worth working hard to achieve, and I am worthy of this effort as I want to get more out of life and be capable of walking a greater distance. As Churchill wisely advised, “Keep going!”
4. I have been waiting for a kidney transplant for three years, and it has been a long and tough wait which I wish was over. It is arduous to wait so long for a kidney, but it is not unbearable. I can tolerate the delay and will do so because I want to survive well, and live as happily as possible until I finally receive the transplant I have been waiting on. I realize that while I wait for a kidney transplant, I do not get this time back once I receive a kidney transplant, if I ever do receive one, therefore it is prudent to bear this time more or less happily. The kidney is worth waiting on, and I am worth the effort of maintaining an undisturbed state of mind.
In working with my patients, I fully acknowledge it is not at all easy to implement the healthy attitudes I am teaching with REBT philosophy. REBT is strong philosophical medicine for very challenging and cherished goals. REBT builds grit. The therapeutic medicine can be very distasteful at times. However, life requires what it requires. There is no negotiating with life. Either we accept the amount of effort needed and push on OR quit on our goals. Humans are highly fallible and will give into the internal struggle and yield to irrational thinking and the subsequent feeling of despair and self-pity. If you wish to evolve into the person, who implements Winston Churchill’s famous words to “Keep going” then learn REBT and use it. Challenge yourself to apply the philosophy of REBT. With it, YOU can make yourself impervious to short-term failure until you reap the rewards of your sustained effort. REBT works if you work it!