People often acknowledge their friends and family’s self-defeating emotional and behavioral reactions, such as excessive worry, anger outbursts, or social withdrawal. As a friend or family member, you may be in a position to encourage these people to consider working on their self-defeating reactions and suggest how best to do it. Let me offer a few suggestions on how to help others who display these emotional or behavioral disturbances.
The First Step in Helping a Person to Change
Start with unconditional other-acceptance and firm kindness. People with emotional and behavioral disturbance are probably sensitive to others’ criticism and criticize themselves. Convey to this person that you accept them unconditionally as a fallible human and that they have a human right to accept themselves unconditionally as a failable human despite their problematic behavior. This idea of unconditional self and other acceptance will be foreign to them. It will require careful explanation. This stance does not mean you allow them to exploit you. Show them that despite your unconditional acceptance, they remain responsible for the consequences of their behavior, and there are limits to the behavior you will tolerate in your relationship with them. Firm kindness means you are both kind and firm in your messaging and behavior toward them. Acknowledge their problematic behavior but show them that their behavior does not define them as a worthless human. Teach them that such evaluations are definitional, cannot be proven true, and are invalid ways of thinking. Go on and show them that if they devalue themselves, they tend to jump to the distorted conclusion that they cannot change their emotional responses and behavior. Convey to them that they can do better and make changes with the proper instruction and a good deal of effort and practice. Remind them they can improve their behavior if they keep at the change process. Still, they may need to learn better strategies like those taught in REBT for doing so or may choose not to make such changes mainly because of the sacrifice and effort they will need to make to improve their behavior successfully. Show them how this is a message of hope and optimism. For humans, change is possible, but all humans need to accept the price it will take to change aspects themselves. Encourage them to have realistic expectations in terms of time and effort. Humans tend to get well-practiced at self-defeating behavior, and change requires going against their well-practiced habits many times to make small changes.
Introduce Healthy and Unhealthy Emotional Choices
Next, reveal to them that we all have emotional choices when we face adversity. Show them that humans may not realize this, and it may even help to label what you are speaking of as the Principle of Emotional Responsibility. Discuss the difference between healthy negative emotions like concern, disappointment, sadness, and annoyance and unhealthy negative emotions like anger, anxiety, depression, and shame. When we reveal to our friends and loved ones that healthy negative emotions are helpful, we show empathy and help them see that appropriate negative emotions can motivate them to change what they can. Emphasize that healthy negative emotions in the face of adversity are good to experience. With proper REBT instruction, they can choose to feel and leverage these healthy negative feelings.
The Role of Rigid Thinking or Demandingness
- I must perform perfectly well. I will think of myself as lesser or worthless if I do not.
- You must treat me nicely. If you fail to do so, you are a worthless, bad person.
- Life must be easy. If it is not as easy as I would like, I will consider it awful, unbearable, or totally bad.
Discuss Flexible, Realistic Thinking and Its Advantages
Empathize with them, reveal how you have thought along these lines, and see that these ideas only compound our problems. Acknowledge that you must guard against these ideas at tempting moments because all humans naturally insist and demand when they do not receive what they want. When yielding to temptation and thinking in these rigid ways, we inevitably experience self-defeating emotional and behavioral disturbances. Discuss how flexible attitudes towards our mistakes, flaws, and obstacles will help us respond in a healthy, self-helping way. Reveal to them the three alternative ideas that are healthy and will help them change what they can change and accept what they cannot:
- I want to perform perfectly but, sadly, will not and cannot perfect myself. I will strive to improve my performance, and when I perform poorly, I will think of myself as a fallible human, not a lesser or worthless human. I will strive to learn from these poor performances and move on with unconditional self-acceptance.
- I want others to treat me nicely. However, the universe does not compel civil behavior between humans. When humans do not treat me well, I will unconditionally accept them and assert myself but acknowledge that fallible humans will not necessarily heed my requests. If they fail to do so, I will consider their behavior wrong but not condemn them as people. I will see their misbehavior as evidence that they, like me, are fallible and then work to protect myself from being exploited if they refuse to heed my requests for better treatment.
- Life does not have to be easy. If life is more challenging than I would like, I will consider it unfortunate, not awful, uncomfortable, not unbearable, or undesirable in some respects, not totally bad. I will unconditionally accept life as a mix of good, bad, and neutral moments and circumstances.
The Power of Acceptance
Teach them the power of acceptance. Show them that acceptance will give them leverage to have some happiness despite being fallible, living with fallible humans, and existing in a challenging, unfair world. Define acceptance for them. Talk to them about how acceptance does not mean resignation and empowers them. Explain to them that it means we acknowledge a negative state of affairs exists, that all the conditions are in place for this state of affairs to exist, and that it is unfortunate that this is the reality they face, but it is not the end of the word. Go on to encourage them to see that acceptance means being determined to change the adversity if possible or committing to find an alternate road to happiness when the one you most want is not open. Discuss with them the three forms of unconditional acceptance that are the foundation of REBT:
- Unconditional Self-Acceptance
- Unconditional Other-Acceptance
- Unconditional Life-Acceptance
Practice What You Preach
Be sure to model the very ideas you are introducing to them. Model and mention that it is far easier for a person to change themselves than to change another person, and be sure you do not cross the line and attempt to force them to adopt the ideas of REBT. Encourage them to watch my Saturday REBT Demonstrations and explain that they can learn valuable ideas from observing these demonstrations. You might suggest they also read a book by Dr. Ellis, like:
- How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything, Yes Anything!
- How to Make Yourself Happy and Remarkably Less Disturbable
- Anger: How to Live with or Without it
Finally, please encourage them to use the many free video and audio resources found on REBTDoctor.com or to consider finding a qualified REBT Therapist and participating in individual therapy. They can find a list of trained REBT Therapists here: https://albertellis.org/find-
The Bottom-line:
Benjamin Franklin said, “A good example is the best sermon.” Be sure to be a good model of REBT’s core ideas and values. Strive to refrain from demanding that your neurotic friends, family, and business associates open their minds to and learn more about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. We may influence but cannot change others.
Further reading: How to Live with a “Neurotic” at Home and at Work