Building Conviction – Dr. Walter J. Matweychuk
In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, REBT, I show you how to identify self-defeating attitudes that are at the core of your emotional disturbance. Patients will often say that the new rational idea makes perfect sense, but they do not feel on an emotional level the full impact of the new attitude. This response is understandable because you have held the irrational position for many years. It is unrealistic to think after a twenty-minute discussion with me, or after disputing your attitude on your own, you will have full conviction in the new rational attitude. Your irrational attitude has deep roots in your mind. It is well-practiced and uprooting and replacing it will take sustained effort over time before you feel differently on an emotional level. The question which requires answering is how do I build conviction in the new attitude to feel differently on an emotional level?
The answer to this question is rather simple. There are two parts to the solution. The first part of the solution requires the habitual application of this rational attitude through explicitly saying it to yourself. You need to explicitly say the new attitude to yourself many, many times over the coming days, months, and years. The second part of the solution is to act in harmony with the new rational attitude. Take action on it. “Emotional knowing” of the rational attitude and a profound neutralization of your former self-defeating attitude requires both of these steps. Habitual, explicit rehearsal and application through action are what lead to deep emotional belief and conviction in the new rational attitude. Let me explain this process in greater detail.
Think back to when you were learning to drive an automobile. You had to learn the sequence of steps for starting a car and then drive it down the road. This procedure involved many steps. These steps at that time were not well-practiced and automatic in your mind. At first, the steps needed to be explicitly thought of because they were unfamiliar steps of a motor sequence. Making the sequence of steps automatic required memorization and practice. However, the memorization process occurred through action. To cope with your confusion, you most likely broke the process of starting the car down into concrete steps and then explicitly instructed yourself to enact each one. You probably consciously said to yourself:
1. Put the key in the ignition.
2. Put your foot on the break.
3. Turn the ignition.
4. Look in the rearview mirror before moving.
5. If there are no oncoming cars, turn the wheel gently.
6. Take your foot off the brake.
7. Put your foot on the gas pedal.
8. Apply pressure to the gas pedal.
9. Go.
As you learned to drive and explicitly instructed yourself to go through this sequence thousands of times over the years, the process became automatic, and you no longer needed to explicitly repeat the sequence to start the car and drive away. After years of driving, you now just seat yourself behind the wheel, and without explicit instructions to yourself, you go through the above sequence with ease and drive off down the road.
As a person who uses REBT on himself, I learned that to develop conviction, I need to say the new attitude explicitly to myself many times. It is only after the explicit rehearsal of the attitude do I start to feel the impact of it on an emotional level. Note that I also then act on it. These therapeutic steps are understandably required because I have practiced and internalized the irrational attitude. My new rational attitude is an attempt to neutralize the emotional impact of the irrational, well-established attitude. It is not necessary to say the attitude aloud, but it is essential to say it explicitly to yourself. Merely thinking the thought won’t produce conviction. It is good to reflect on the validity and functional utility of the new attitude, but you need to go beyond this and explicitly say it to yourself many times.
Below you will find a few typical examples of REBT rational ideas. Let’s assume one of them applies to you and you wish to develop conviction in the idea and feel a healthy negative emotion towards the adversity associated with this idea. I will assume you are also willing to act in harmony with the concept. Review the list below and pick the one rational attitude you wish to adopt, which will improve the quality of your life.
List of Rational Attitudes
1. I want to perform very well when I make my presentation, but I do not have to function perfectly well. I will make my best effort and accept whatever happens.
2. I want to get the promotion at work, but I do not have to get the promotion. Many people fail to obtain the things they want. What makes me so special that the promotion I want must not be denied to me?
3. I want his love, but I never have to have his love to have some degree of happiness and meaning in life. If I do not have his love, I will accept this and strive to enjoy life as best as possible without his love. Many people experience unrequited love in this world. Why should I not be one of them? What makes me so special that I should be exempt from this painful deprivation?
4. My failure to become pregnant is very, very, very disappointing, but not insurmountable. Infertility is very challenging, but I must distinguish between very, very, very disappointing, and unendurable. Not every woman has the good fortune to get pregnant, and that is very unfortunate but not intolerable. To those who want children, infertility is very unfair, but life is unfair. I can still have a happy life, even if I never get pregnant. After coming to accept this regrettable outcome, I can then examine my options. Infertility has happened to other women what makes me so special it should not happen to me?
5. It is uncomfortable to ask for a date, not unbearable. I can bear the awkward moment when I make myself vulnerable and open myself to rejection. Making myself vulnerable and risking rejection is worth doing because unless I ask for a date and face possible rejection, I will never know if I might be able to get a date with her. If rejected, I can choose to refuse to reject myself.
Once you find the idea you wish to develop conviction in, I suggest you begin to explicitly say it to yourself a few times throughout the day. However, for this to work, you need to continue this short EXPLICIT self-talk day after day until you feel the conviction you seek. It will come, but you need to do your explicit practice to achieve emotional conviction.
The second part of developing conviction is to push yourself to act in a way that is in harmony with the rational idea you have chosen. By BOTH explicitly telling yourself the idea many times over many days AND then ACTING in a way that is consistent with the idea, you will soon experience pleasant surprise as you notice a new emotional and behavioral reaction come over you.
List of Rational Attitudes and Actions to Take to Build Conviction
Below are examples of acting in a way that is in harmony with the five rational ideas stated above. Examine what it means to act in a way consistent with the corresponding idea.
1. I want to perform very well when I make my presentation, but I do not have to function perfectly well. I will make my best effort and accept whatever happens.
To act in a way consistent with the new attitude would be to rehearse your presentation rather than find ways to get out of making the presentation. You would also then make the presentation regardless of how difficult it is to stand before your audience.
2. I want to get the promotion at work, but I do not have to get the promotion. Many people fail to obtain the things they want. What makes me so special that the promotion I want must not be denied to me?
The action which you would take to build conviction with this idea would be to continue to go to work after you did not receive the promotion and make the same effort and display a professional demeanor as you did before the promotion was awarded to someone else. You may choose to move to another company since you were not promoted, but until you had that option and up to the moment you depart you would display a professional demeanor.
3. I want his love, but I never have to have his love to have some degree of happiness and meaning in life. If I do not have his love, I will accept this and strive to enjoy life as best as possible without his love. Many people experience unrequited love in this world. Why should I not be one of them? What makes me so special that I should be exempt from this painful deprivation?
The action required to deepen conviction in this attitude would be to feel very sad and disappointed that the person you loved did not feel that way toward you. The action includes dating other people with the understanding that there are other people in the world whom you can find to love. The action would also involve choosing to have some degree of happiness while dating and searching to find someone else to love who also returns your love equally.
4. My failure to become pregnant is very, very, very disappointing, but not insurmountable. Infertility is very challenging, but I must distinguish between very, very, very disappointing, and unendurable. Not every woman has the good fortune to get pregnant, and that is very unfortunate but not intolerable. To those who want children, infertility is very unfair, but life is unfair. I can still have a happy life, even if I never get pregnant. After coming to accept this regrettable outcome, I can then examine my options. Infertility has happened to other women what makes me so special it should not happen to me?
The action that would build conviction in this adaptive attitude would be to feel very sorrowful and disappointed that you are infertile and to strive towards emotional recovery and acceptance. The goal would be to acknowledge that life is not wholly bad, and you could, with effort, experience some happiness in your life despite not having the good fortune to give birth to your child. This recognition would also include examining the other paths to motherhood, such as a surrogate or adoption. The action would also involve finding other vitally absorbing activities that are available to you to give your life meaning and happiness.
5. It is uncomfortable to ask for a date, not unbearable. I can bear the awkward moment when I make myself vulnerable and open myself to rejection. Making myself vulnerable and risking rejection is worth doing because unless I ask for a date and face possible rejection, I will never know if I might be able to get a date with her. If rejected, I can choose to refuse to reject myself.
The action which will build conviction would be to make yourself vulnerable and express interest in someone in a socially appropriate way and ask them for a date.
Summary and Conclusion
It is essential to know that agreeing with a rational philosophy is of little good unless it is a bridge to developing conviction in the philosophy. The point of today’s intermittent reinforcement email is that ongoing explicit covert rehearsal of the rational philosophy and action upon it are the two necessary steps required to achieve emotional change. When you are facing a serious matter, the path to emotional change is not an easy one to take. REBT prescribes a path to acceptance and emotional change, but that path requires work and effort in the form of explicit, covert reiteration of the rational philosophy as well as action upon it. REBT works when you work it!